If I were President

| On
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
(I added a mustache because let's be honest -- a woman won't get elected anytime soon. 
At least as long as I'm alive. Hey, don't hate the player, hate the game.)

Let's get started.

If I were President...

* Michael Moore would be banished to Croatia. (Apologies to any of my croatian readers. Nothing against you personally, I would just want him to get as far the hell out of here as possible. Don't know who he is? See here.)

* There would be a flat tax. Period. No ifs, ands or liberals butts about it.

* Bike riders in spandex would only be allowed to ride on designated biking lanes. No more of this sharing the road with actual cars with motors in turn forcing me to slam on my breaks/slow down to 30 under the speed limit/swerve so I don't hit you nonsense. (This also goes for non-spandex bike riders.)

* You abuse a child ONCE, that's it. That child will then be placed with a loving, caring, nurturing couple who have been desperately wanting a child of their own to love. Kids are defenseless and never, ever deserve to be abused in any way. One strike, you're out. President Smith don't mess around.

* On that same note, if you abuse a child in the worst way possible (we all know what I am talking about) you go to prison for life. Hopefully get the death penalty, but life in prison, nonetheless. None of this "out in five years for good behavior" bullshit. How hard is it to be on your best behavior in prison anyway? It's not like they offer up helpless defenseless kids to these bastards.

* Spongebob Squarepants would be banned from television. I swear that's the reason so many kids grow up and commit murder. (I kid people, I kid. Kind of...)

* On that same note, if you murder an innocent person, you go to prison for life. Hopefully get the death penalty, but life in prison, nonetheless. None of this "out in five years for good behavior bullshit. How hard is it to be on your best behavior in prison anyway? It's not like they hand out glock 22's to these mongrels.

* The states would use more of their tax money to build bigger prisons to hold these people, instead of using it for a new Starbucks half a block down from that other Starbucks.

* If you decide to stay at home and raise your child, you get an actual salary from the state. W2 forms and all.

* Hollywood people would not be allowed to give their political opinions.

* Organic, healthy food would cost much less than say, McDonalds. I wouldn't outlaw fast food (this is a free country, people get to make choices) but it would definitely not be the cheapest option.

* If I were the President, in this state of our economy, my "wife" would not be allowed to go on luxurious leisure vacations to Spain, spending hundreds of thousands (millions) of tax-payers dollars just to "sight-see" and have her 5 bodyguards in tow. In fact, I would put her ass to work and make her earn that vacation.

* And finally, everyone would be forced to memorize the words to Britney Spears' "Oops I did it again" and the whole United States of America would bust out in a flash mob and sing it loud and proud.

And that is what I would do if I were President.

What would you do if YOU were President? Go link up with the awesome Erin at Living in Yellow!

ps. I know some of these were serious and some silly, but I truly believe in everything I said. For your most pleasurable experience here, feel free to take everything I say with a grain of salt.
pps. and please, no "well thank GOD you aren't our President" comments. Try to be a little more original than that, k? Thanks anon peeps.

83 comments on "If I were President"
  1. I despise spongebob. I am down for the britney spears flash mob thingy. You would kick as as pres.

  2. President Smith is my idol! =)

  3. Can we elect you tomorrow please??
    The flash mob is what got me.

  4. Can we swear you in today??

  5. My vote goes to candidate Smith. So sick of "getting out on good behavior and overcrowding." And...these extravagent trips off tax-payer money. H no!

  6. One flat tax and no Spongebob?

    I'm in.

  7. I DIE.
    Agree 100% on everything!!!!

  8. my God I love you. I want to be in office with you. Could you imagine?

  9. I'd totally vote for you! And Michael Moore is the king of fucktards. (excuse my cuss:)

  10. I couldn't agree more! Esp the children part. I know too personlay how pathetic some of these laws are. People who do that to children are seriously messed up in the head and desearve to never see the sunlight again!

  11. Power to the PRESIDENT!!!


  12. LOVE!

    I totally agree with everything you said!

    I am totally down for the ban of Sponge Bob :)

  13. would people have to sing "Happy BIIIIIIRTHDAY MRS PRESIDENTTTT...." too?? because id vote just for that... :)

  14. You would get my vote!
    Happy Tuesday.

  15. Sign me up Raven!!! Flat rate tax all the way!! xoxo

  16. Haha! I'd vote for you!

  17. as soon as you said michael moore banished to croatia i knew i would vote for you haha

    abusing child thing. AMEN AMEN AMEN. seriously i dont understand how people dont goto prison for life for that. Breaks MY HEART

    stay at home mom thing..AGREED!!! though im not a mom yet, i fully believe being a parent is one of the most IMPORTANT jobs in the entire world!! i love you raven!!

    this was fabulous. Can i be your campaign manager? ill make really sweet posters for you


  18. Amen. You have my vote!

    Can we add sterilization of the child abusers? No point in taking one kid away when they'll just pop another out.

  19. You've got my vote!:)

  20. I would vote for you. Not even kidding. :) Haha. I agree 7000% on every single point! :) You're AWESOME.

  21. Um, what's with the Sponge Bob hate?

    Am I the only one in the blogosphere that likes me some Sponge Bob??

    As for the other items on your platform...I agree with most of them. There are some I vehemently disagree with, including the aforementioned Bob Ban.

  22. ok so where do i get my "vote for raven" button? i would totally vote for ya.
    although you might need to add with high school diploma with the stay at home with your child business..i already know some deadbeats..i mean moms that would milk that..don't even get me started on government housing assistance lol

    and i gotta admit i probably know the words to oops i did it again better than i know the star spangled banner.

  23. If Spongebob were a person, I *might* seriously contemplate murder. Would it be a crime to murder Spongebob if you were President? I feel like maybe he would go on the terrorist or Most-Wanted list, so maybe some government sniper would get him and I'd be okay with that too.

    Everyone's posts are so much fun to read, I love it!

  24. Well i certainly don't believe a woman couldn't be president, but you are right, this wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be.

    I'll leave it at that. :)

  25. Yes, to getting rid of Spongebob!!!

  26. umm can I work for you?
    I would sing and dance to my bish BritneyJeanSpears for you!

    :) haha

  27. Where's my Elect Raven button?

  28. You got my vote. Totally agree

  29. I would definitely vote for ya! Brilliant!

  30. You had me at Britney Spears Flash Mob. Love these!

  31. Hahaha flash mob? I would so vote for you!!!!! :-)

  32. Amen to a Britney flash mob! It's on my bucket list!!

  33. While I don't agree with some these points, your awesome stance against crimes against children (lock 'em the ef up for life!!!) and brit brit flash mobs gets you a friendly nod from Canada :)

  34. When can I vote for you?!

  35. Umm we live in the same state, I can and will totally write your name on my ballet. You can thank me later, maybe with a sweet house to live in with a view, and an expense account!


  36. Can we add that if you get sentenced to the death that said punishment is carried out within say 30 days!?! No more of this appeal upon appeal 10 years later and in still paying for you (death sentence inmate) in jail. Also no last meal, you do not get a reward for being sentenced to death!

  37. If you ran for President I would vote for you; and that's saying a lot because I would never ever ever vote for a woman President. I love this!!

  38. Totally agree with your one strike and you're out policy for child abusers. Nothing makes me madder than when people screw up so badly and then get their children back!

    Also, the world would definitely be a better place if everyone knew and danced to Britney Spears

  39. lol i love this!!! how do i vote for you?!

  40. I would SO vote for you! I too hate the Squarepants, and I would LOVE to get a salary from the state because I have chosen to stay at home with my daughter! If you ever run, you can count on my vote, girlfran! :)

  41. haha this is great!!
    I agree with child abuser...but most of them prob don't last a lifetime in there- all the other inmates hate people who hurt kids so they are the scum of prison and prob get attacked/murdered in prison- I watch a lot of jail/prison shows (i.e. Lock Up!)
    totally agree about celebs and their political views- I swear people don't think for themselves but will automatically vote for who their 'celeb crush' endorses...real smart haha
    every time I think about voting for the president and people really understanding who they are voting for I think of this video- it cracks me up http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mm1KOBMg1Y8

  42. I agree 3000% about the fast food deal. I try really hard to eat healthy, but when making a healthy meal costs 5 times as much as stopping and grabbing something on the way home.

  43. You had me at sending Michael Moore to Croatia! :)

  44. Michael Moore is an idiot! Send him to Croatia!! You have my vote. :)


  45. Amen, girlfriend. Drinking a glass of wine or four in celebration of your announcement of candidicy.

  46. I forgot to add the republican logo to my post! Dag nabit! lol Thanks for your comments on mine girl!

  47. Oh Raven....somehow you manage to make me love you more and more. :)

  48. Raven for President...fa sho! ;)

  49. Awesome. I love this whole post! Too cute, and very honest. It is the way to get things moving and shaking on capital hill.

  50. i think we all know i would vote for you. can i be your intern, too?


  51. I hate Spongebob and even hated it when I was younger! When I would babysit in high school I would never the kids watch it!


  53. Id vote for you for sure!

  54. This is GREAT> I so agree with the children thing. AMEN SISTA. I wanna kill some of the people I work with after reading that shit. Holy fuck.

    Sponge bob is seriously the worst thing ever.

  55. can we take it further by making all children stand up and pledge allegiance to Britney Spears every morning in school? YES!

  56. I agree with over half of the items on your platform. Which might be more than I can say for anyone who is actually running.

    I'll write you in.

  57. The only two I would have had to read before casting my vote would be the mommy salary and health food. Yes m'am!

  58. as a law student I do agree that punishment for those kinds of crimes against children should be more severe...especially sexual abuse. However, "executing them after 30 days" as someone suggested (although I'm sure it was more tongue in cheek), would violate due process. Especially for all those people who were wrongfully convicted (and it DOES happen)-- probs too serious for this post, but I agree with the Sponge Bob bit. I don't even have a kid and he makes me nervous and edgy. I think it's the eyes.

  59. I work in a prison (I'm a nurse) & let me just say... have you checked out stats on offenders re-entry? I believe over 1/3 of offenders who are released are back in prison within 3 months. [Well, I'm in Indiana so it may be different all over.] &&& they're talking about going to 1 for 3 for good behavior days instead of how it is now, every 1 day of good behavior is 1 day off your sentence. Every 1 day of good behavior is 3 days off your sentence?! Are you kidding me? They only serve half their sentences now as it is!! These guys don't rehab. They just don't. They grew up in this lifestyle, they've made a lifelong list of bad decisions, & that's all they know.

    Sorry. Stepping off my soap box.

  60. this just made me love you so much...you have NO idea! :)

  61. I completely agree with all of this. Especially the Britney one. Because that's obviously the most important of all of them. :)

  62. Haha! I love you! Everything you said is perfect. Although I would try to sway you on the flat rate tax. I totally think that wealthy people should be taxed higher, and I come from a reasonably wealthy family. In my opinion there is no reason a single mom making $25k a year should be taxed the same as some silver spoon millionaire... If we tax everyone the same, we will totally eliminate the middle class. There will only be rich people and poor people... Just "keepin it real". ;) xoxo

    p.s. Michael Moore is a huge idiot!

  63. oooops she did it again..., lol love it!

  64. I'd vote for ya!! Even if there was no "stache" :)!

  65. I do agree with some of your statements; stay at home moms get paid in Switzerland I think. McDonalds should be more expensive-its just too damn convenient. And MOST of all, I totally agree about the bikes in my lane!!!

    I wouldn't vote for you, but you already knew that. ;) I'm more of a Christina fan than a Britney.

  66. I've ALWAYS said SAHM's should get a salary, even before being married and becoming a mom myself! DEF the hardest job in the world!!

    100% agree with you about all the sickos and murderers!! Banish them to Croatia too, let them see what prisons are like in other countries!!

    LOVE your list!! :)

  67. Raven, this is perfect. I definitely laughed out loud at Moore being banished to Croatia (poor Croatians) and Hollywood no longer being able to open their stupid mouths. did I just say that? I did. But really, what do you know when all you do is pretend for a living?! I say it with a smile.

    Thanks for making me crack up per usual!!

  68. i have read lots of these posts Rav and I have to say I agree with yours completely - we have very much the SAME views politically. Raven for 2012 :)

  69. Oh my gracious... My husband and I definitely laughed SO hard at your Presidential platform!! LOVE IT!! Oh, and I love the little elephant in your mustache photo too! Well done, Raven! :)

  70. Oh my gosh, this post makes me love you even more. Seriously, AMEN to all of it! Especially to the biker one...I despise them!!!

  71. I think locking Michael Moore up in an igloo somewhere at the North Pole would be even better! That guy is just SO annoying!!

  72. yes, yes, yes and YES. abso-fucking-lutely.

  73. THIS!!!!

    * If you decide to stay at home and raise your child, you get an actual salary from the state. W2 forms and all.*


  74. GIRL, this is actually the dumbest thing I've ever read. Like another commenter said, a flat tax would completely elimnate the middle class. You REALLY think that a single mother making less than 20k a year should pay the same amount of taxes as a billionaire? You're going against your own interests there, and I say this as a person that pays a lot of taxes because I'm in a higher income bracket.

    Also do you REALLY think that state goverments are building Starbucks? Or spending any money that should be allocated elsewhere to build a private business? Because then you don't understand.... anything. Like basically at all. If Starbucks is building a new location then the private corporation of Starbucks pays for it - it doesn't come out of the prison budget.

    How are you going to make organic, healthy food cheaper than McDonalds? And pay SAHMs a salary? I think these are both AWESOME things but... .where does the money come from? Are you going to regulate McDonalds? Subsidize crops? That flat tax you're suggesting would mean less money for the government and both of these $$BIG$$ ideas are gonna need a lot of tax dollars to even work for one day.

    Good luck with your critical thinking skills!! I know it's easy to sit at home in front of your computer and feel like you've ~got it all figured out~ and why can't these dummy politicians fix the country but............... this is actually just so so so dumb. Harvard grad, you are not - so thank God for a president that is.


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