5.03.2012

Dear:

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Dear blogger police: Britney Spears in a hot pink bikini is not considered p0rn. You blocked my site for a few awesome readers the other day due to "p0rnography." Really? Who is back there deciding what is and what is not appropriate? I mean, I'm probably going to get tagged in this post for using the word "p0rn." What you should really be focusing on are those "fashion bloggers" who think stripes, florals and plaid go together in one outfit. That shit deserves to be tagged. Talk about offensive...

Dear Fashion Bloggers: Stripes, florals and plaid do not go together in one outfit!

Dear New Jersey Mom Who Allegedly Took Your 5-Year Old in the Tanning Bed With You: Don't listen to all the critics out there. You are beautiful just the way you are. Sure, most are calling your skin color "on the deep mahogany side" and comparing your face to "an old worn-out baseball glove that got left out in the rain....for a decade" but just brush that right off your shoulders, girlfriend. As for cancer? Well clearly you would have already gotten it so you must be immune. Oh, and taking your precious little innocent child in a tanning bed with you is a wonderful idea. I mean, I hear redheads tan pretty easily anyway.

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Dear Gunner: I'd like you to believe that your pouting on the front step, with your head in your lap and your fake sniffles don't sway me one bit, but since you can't read yet and you aren't allowed on mommy's computer, I'll admit that it makes me feel bad and I cave every time. Yes, you can have your sixth cookie of the day. You win.

Dear Colt: It doesn't work with you. Sorry, but that's called "second child syndrome."

Dear Husband: Want to have another baby cocktail?

Dear Nadya Suleman aka Octomom: You are declaring bankruptcy and on the list of people you owe is Directv. Because you "had to have cable to entertain your 60 kids." Ok, so let me get this straight. If you didn't have 70 kids in the first place, you wouldn't need cable to entertain them. Maybe you could actually interact with them like a mother should, however I totally understand it's pretty hard to do with 80 kids running around the house. It all boils down to the "chicken or egg" theory, I get it. But now you are planning to do "p0rn" in order to make some money. I hate to break it to ya sweetie but you aren't exactly in your prime ever anymore. People will pay for some whacked-out sh*t, but I'm afraid the money you will make from doing this will be minimal. Like, maybe enough to pay off your Directv bill.

Dear Obama: I "hope" you "change" jobs real soon. Like, come November.

Dear Husband: Ready for another round? It's been like, five minutes already.

Dear Real Housewives of the OC on Bravo: Are you f*cking kidding me? You cannot be furreal.

Dear Judge Judy: If only I swung the other way....rawr.

Dear Husband: Threesome?

Dear Readers: Sorry for that visual.

Dear Weekend: It's Cinco de Drinko. I'm going balls to the wall. We're talking tequila shots, table-top dancing and green wigs. Just kidding. I'm actually going to visit my sister who lives two hours away in a little college town, WITH my youngest AND we will be staying at her place which is a grand TOTAL of 300 SF. Like, only one person can fit in the kitchen at once. And you can pee, take a bath AND brush your teeth at the same time. THAT? Is sheer blogging material.

Happy weekend friends.


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link up with ashley here



55 comments:

  1. That is completely insane that your blog got blocked! I didn't know that wearing a bikini was the same as being completely naked.
    Holy tanning beds batman! She definitely has some color to her.
    The pouty face is the worst, its bad when they know that using it gets them their way. Darn smart kids!
    Some people, Octomom in particular, are ridiculous! Maybe if she didn't pop out a bajillion kids she could afford a tv bill. Or maybe if she didn't have tv she could afford to spend time with her bajillion kids! Geeze.
    Hope you have an awesome time with your sister!
    Holy cow, I got the first comment. What?! :D

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  2. Ugh that lady who took her kid tanning makes me absolutely sick! I have melanoma and it amazes me that people don't realize how dangerous tanning is. Really it's not worth your life to look like a piece of dried up leather!

    When my boys do the pouty face it gets me every time and the little stinkers know it :]

    Have fun at your sisters!!

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  3. You never cease to make me belly laugh! So well written, & absolutely hilarious!
    Love your blog! Love it!!

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  4. She lives in a college town? There's got to at least be a beer bong you can hit then. The weekend won't be totally lost. :]

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  5. That tanning pic is DISGUSTING! The blogging police is really gonna tail your ass with that one, haha! And OMG Judge Judy, hahahaha!! Have a great weekend lovely!!

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  6. LOVE LOVE LOVE the letter to Obama! Amen sister!

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  7. hahaha Ravey pants - your letters are hilarious! Seriously, when how do these girls become all awesome "fashion bloggers" by mixing their clothes up - isn't that what our moms taught us NOT to do?

    And tell Colty.....I can relate.

    Obama-Amen
    Nadya-Amen
    Real Housewvies-Amen

    And as for you and Rob - you tottallly need to have a third bambino....maybe some magic will happen in your sister's 300 SF apartment ;)

    Happy weekend!! Love you!

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  8. i literally laughed out loud to all of these hah. great letters girl. have a fabulous weekend!

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  9. In very few cases will this ever go together... 'Stripes, florals and plaid do not go together in one outfit!'... AND who takes a child, let a lone a red headed PERSON to a tanning bed? All crazy... xoxo

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  10. i don't pop by very often to comment. but do read your blog through blogger reader.

    a)
    totally love brit natural.
    not porn. oh google grow up.

    b)
    i'm not so up to date on current u.s. news (don't live there currently) this was my first look at that tanned woman mess.
    i thought it was a joke. a strange joke. sick. i hope she can get a good look at what she actually looks like and STOP THIS madness. for her sake, but for her family. there is a real problem there.

    c)
    i have 3 teen stepsons. the faces will never go away. it's how they roll and they go with what works. i am powerless. good luck.

    have a great day! keep doing what you do you really do a great job :)
    xo tracie

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  11. Bahahahhaha!!! I hope Obama finds a new job soon!!

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  12. Have fun this weekend! My husband and I used to live in around 200 sq ft and it was crazy. Just have lots of cocktails!

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  13. I am assuming the Britt pic got flagged because of the massive camel toe she had in the unedited version of her picture...

    Thanks for the laugh this morning... finished your blog post was more important than changing the t-shirt my 8 month old just soaked with puke.

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  14. I'm commenting from my phone because well, I don't want to get fired!

    Great letters, love the one to gunner! I'm the oldest daughter so Hahahahaha younger sibs ;)!

    100% with you on nobama eww!

    Happy Friday! Xoxo

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  15. I just seriously wish everytime you bashed fashion bloggers, I knew who you meant. Share?! :)

    Good luck to Obama with getting his new job started. I hear they're hard to come by these days....

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  16. Dear Raven,
    First of all, I love your blogging style and let me tell you, I just finished catching up with ALL your posts. yep, that was a lot of reading but good reading;). More than once I had to spit out my drink all over the screen because that is how much you got me cracking, lol!

    Just wanted to tell you that I look forward to reading your posts every day, probably as much as I look forward to seeing my children's and hubby's faces;)

    Please. . .DON'T.EVER.CHANGE.

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  17. Will you be my best friend and move to Texas!

    Dont worry Lindsey Im not trying to steal this B just share her! ;)

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  18. HOLD UP. You want another baby!? Ummmmmmm if y'all do can you send it my way!? PLEASE!? HAHAHA! All of these letters were hilarious. THREESOME!? 5 minutes!? BAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, and I promise I read more than just the sexual ones.

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  19. Oh.Em.Gee...I die...you made me belly laugh at every single one of these this morning, haha!!!
    Blogger police...really? they consider that p0rn...paleese!
    Tanning picture....almost puked in my mouth a little...that is sick and sad at the same time.
    Amen to all of them lady...for real A to the MEN!
    AND the pouty face works every time with my little but it works on her daddy even more, he is such a softy!
    Have a fabulous weekend! Drink up as I know I will be at some point and have fun peeing, taking a bath and brushing your teeth all at the same time...gross!

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  20. These all made me giggle!

    the tanning thing? I haven't even read about it...just the headlines. They gave me enough info...I can't stand to look at that ladies face. Vomit.

    ...I watch RHOC and I feel like I'm missing something?? Love that show...didn't love Gretchen's singing the other night...but I love that show!

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  21. You are a hoot! I love how octomoms number keeps multiplying! I totally agree about Obama! Threesome? Im down. Too far? Okay, block me. :)

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  22. Love Love Love it all.

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  23. Lol love your letters. And thanks for the news update on mom tanning her child. I haven't heard of that story. I can't believe she actually looks like that!!!

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  24. I found your blog through your linkup on Friday's Letters.

    That tan lady is sooo disgusting. People like that should not be allowed to procreate.

    Dana @ five30three.com

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  25. your letters are always the best. you have me laughing out loud for each one.

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  26. I am dying!!! I peed my pants yesterday from laughter and at it again today! O my Raven this was amazing and Amen to the Jersey Mom letter!

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  27. LOVE this! Especially the first two! lol

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  28. BAHAHAHAHA! I love this!! Your "p0rn" talk didn't get blocked! YAHOO!

    Strips, florals and plaid most certainly do NOT go together. NOT OK.

    The tanning mom... NO WORDS. Seriously. Actually I have a couple... I want to scrub her face with a loofah. Think it would help?

    I feel bad for the children of Octomom. What are they going to do without their Directv?

    OC are my fav housewives! HAHA love them.

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  29. There is only one way octomom doing porn can end... more children.

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  30. Happy Cinco de Drinko :)

    LOL at the fashion blogger comment...so true. Who really wears that?? Ugh.

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  31. Hahahah i posted that picture of BS on my blog too but since I'm not nearly as cool as you, no one cares. I hardly think Britney in a ONE PIECE is porn. Haters.

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  32. I laughed at so many of these...Especially the Obama one. :) And the one with the bigger kid pouting but the little kid getting crap...Totally happens with my kids the exact same way! But mostly it's because my 2nd kid is a total terd. Happy Cinco de Drinko Weekend!

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  33. yay! so excited for the weekend! colts 'room' is scrubbed clean and i've cleaned up and organzied the kitchen as best as possible for having guests over....still can only fit one person at a time, but at least there is room on the counter to prep cinco de mayo dinner. =)

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  34. LOL!!!!

    The Real Housewives of OC are boring now. I like the NJ one better =D

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  35. LMAO at all of these. I heart you. And totally ditto the letter to Obama... for realz!

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  36. Hahaha I love your letters! That ladys face is crazy!!
    And umm your blog was blocked? What the hell? She's in a swimsuit. People are stupid!

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  37. Loved your letters! I hope you don't get flagged or anything for gratuitous use of "p0rn" in this one lol

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  38. This was really well written and funny. Kudos, Kudos.


    ok now ... i'm back

    I love you even though you don't think I do.

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  39. Say what?! Obviously you are not fashionable. Everyone knows that the floral + plaid + super flowy/Grandmaish + hipster glasses and a pop of 80's neon + Amish farmer looking boots (all worn together)= the epitome of fashion forward. Especially when you pose with your head tilted and looking down at the ground with a forlorn look on your face.

    Jeez. Get with it.

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  40. Plaids, stripes, flowers, Hombre nails AND a top knot= fashion. LOL. I love it.

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  41. DirectTV? Really? (No, that's not ALL I got out of this post.)

    :)

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  42. bahahahahahahah this is awesome! im sure your hubby LOVED that little note to him! i cant believe they marked your blog as porn bc of britney how funny! and how did they even know that?!

    xo

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  43. I can't believe how dark that lady is. It's scary!

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  44. You crack me up!!! I never comment bc I feel like I will never shut up once I start commenting on your post. I will try to make it short...promise.

    COMPLETELY agree with the "fashion bloggers" hope you didn't get a degree in fashion if you think florals, stripes and plaid look good together. I guess the girl in college that wore plaid and polka dots together was ahead of the fashion world and all this time I thought she was just color/pattern blind.

    Jersey mom...wow! Piece. of. work. Same with Octomom.

    My stepdad has always said he wishes Judge Judy was his mom.

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  45. Dear Obama, please take your wife with you when you "change" jobs in November.

    Thank you.

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  46. Haha...so true about the fashion bloggers. I put an outfit on like that, looked in the mirror,and said...so this is what it looks like in person. This looks effin ridiculous and took it off lol. Seriously, if saw that in real life, I would assume they don't have a mirror or got dressed in the dark.

    When I saw the tanning bed mom, I couldnt get over ow ridiculous she looks. She looks comical.

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  47. Hahahaha. You always make me laugh!! I really cannot believe how "tan" that lady is! Ahhhhh!!

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  48. Hilarious! I can only hope to become the next tanning bed mom. She looks to be a beautiful shade of Nutella.

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  49. I totally agree with you on....EVERYTHING.Haha. Well...maybe not Judge Judy, and that visual. Happy Cinco De Drinko!!

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  50. loved your letters raven!! hahahah love the obama one, and judge judy! bahhaha! love you!!!!!!

    xo,
    ash

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  51. haahah, that tanning lady- oh lordy. I actually kind of believe that she didn't take the daughter into the bed with her but I still fear for her well being merely based off of that picture... omg.

    Octomom... ugh, that is sad. Kids should go to loving, adoptive parents who have the resources.

    The Judge Judy thing made me laugh out loud, gotta love a tough lady!

    And aw! As the 2nd child, I want to give Colt a big hug! I feel your pain, Brotha! ;)

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