You know how sometimes, if A wouldn't have happened, then B wouldn't have happened, then C wouldn't have happened and then the best thing that ever happened to you wouldn't have happened?
A sequence of events, if you will.
There are a few "sequence of events" that have transpired in my life that stand more important than others. Three of them, to be exact. And now, I am going to share them with you.
1. Remember the movie Edward Scissorhands? It came out in 1990, unless you aren't familiar. I was 10. I watched it downstairs at my grandparents house with my two sisters and cousins. At night. In the dark. And for a 10 year old? It. was. freaky. Like, I was feeling all sorts of uncomfortable.
Our grandparents were already fast asleep, and after the movie was over, we were hungry. So we all crept upstairs, making sure to be extra quiet and not turn on the lights lest we wake the grand-parentals. We all were trying to be so. quiet. So, so quiet. While still being a little on-edge after watching such a creepy movie. And as all us girls huddled in the kitchen, in the dark, trying in vain to be so quiet while filling our cereal bowls, it happened.
Someone accidentally hit the garbage disposal.
Think about that for a moment.
2. In the summer of 2006, I visited my sister in Nashville, Tennessee. I was scheduled to be there for six days. The night of day five came and I decided I kind of didn't want to go home quite yet. So I talked on end to my sister about "what if I accidentally missed my flight tomorrow morning, you know, on accident, and then I had to stay another day. Wouldn't that be fun?" I mean, I really didn't want to go back home, we were having that much fun.
But then I slept on it and the vodka wore off and I realized that I did, in fact, want to go back home. So we got the car all packed up and went on our way. The airport was about 45 minutes from my sisters home, so we made sure to leave with plenty of time to spare.
We were chatting away, minding our business, when my sister missed an exit. And it put us a good twenty minutes out of the way. I was already in the mind set of wanting to be back home, so I drilled into her to "hurry up! Speed! Speed bish! I can't miss my plane! I'm homesick gosh damnit!"
We got there in the very nick of time. No lie. Like, five minutes later and I would have been too late to board the plane. We hugged real quick and she drove off. I walked up to the ticket counter, told the lady my name and she couldn't find my reservation. Say what?? Look again.
Still, nothing.
After a few calls to here and there, ticket lady discovered that I had, in fact, booked a flight back home on this exact day.
Except it was scheduled for this day, of the next year.
Think about that for a moment.
Long story short, I got to spend the extra day I had wanted in Nashville with my sister. It only cost me $500 for a new plane ticket home.
My husband still doesn't let me forget about that one.
3. And finally, this one time my mom and I took a vacation together to San Diego. We checked into our hotel and were getting all settled. I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth when I heard my mom scream like a baby. I immediately thought she had found a dead body in our hotel room.
I rushed into the living area to see her with the tv remote in one hand, the other over her mouth and her eyes wide as Mars staring at the TV. I looked at what was playing and realized my mom had somehow bought a pay-per-view p0rno. Like, the hardcore kind. She was in so much shock that she kept watching and screaming until she threw the remote at me and yelled "turn it off! Turn it off!"
The best part? I couldn't gain my composure for a good two minutes as I was laughing every inch of my ass off. Tears were streaming down my face so hard I couldn't see the buttons on the remote to turn it off. Eventually, I changed the station and we watched The Price Is Right for the rest of the night.
But. The best best part? When they slipped the bill under our door the next morning, my mom just paid the $15.99 for the "movie" because she was too embarrassed to tell them she ordered it "on accident."
Because I'm sure hotels hear that all the time.
It was by far, one of the best moments of my life.
There are a few "sequence of events" that have transpired in my life that stand more important than others. Three of them, to be exact. And now, I am going to share them with you.
1. Remember the movie Edward Scissorhands? It came out in 1990, unless you aren't familiar. I was 10. I watched it downstairs at my grandparents house with my two sisters and cousins. At night. In the dark. And for a 10 year old? It. was. freaky. Like, I was feeling all sorts of uncomfortable.
Our grandparents were already fast asleep, and after the movie was over, we were hungry. So we all crept upstairs, making sure to be extra quiet and not turn on the lights lest we wake the grand-parentals. We all were trying to be so. quiet. So, so quiet. While still being a little on-edge after watching such a creepy movie. And as all us girls huddled in the kitchen, in the dark, trying in vain to be so quiet while filling our cereal bowls, it happened.
Someone accidentally hit the garbage disposal.
Think about that for a moment.
2. In the summer of 2006, I visited my sister in Nashville, Tennessee. I was scheduled to be there for six days. The night of day five came and I decided I kind of didn't want to go home quite yet. So I talked on end to my sister about "what if I accidentally missed my flight tomorrow morning, you know, on accident, and then I had to stay another day. Wouldn't that be fun?" I mean, I really didn't want to go back home, we were having that much fun.
But then I slept on it and the vodka wore off and I realized that I did, in fact, want to go back home. So we got the car all packed up and went on our way. The airport was about 45 minutes from my sisters home, so we made sure to leave with plenty of time to spare.
We were chatting away, minding our business, when my sister missed an exit. And it put us a good twenty minutes out of the way. I was already in the mind set of wanting to be back home, so I drilled into her to "hurry up! Speed! Speed bish! I can't miss my plane! I'm homesick gosh damnit!"
We got there in the very nick of time. No lie. Like, five minutes later and I would have been too late to board the plane. We hugged real quick and she drove off. I walked up to the ticket counter, told the lady my name and she couldn't find my reservation. Say what?? Look again.
Still, nothing.
After a few calls to here and there, ticket lady discovered that I had, in fact, booked a flight back home on this exact day.
Except it was scheduled for this day, of the next year.
Think about that for a moment.
Long story short, I got to spend the extra day I had wanted in Nashville with my sister. It only cost me $500 for a new plane ticket home.
My husband still doesn't let me forget about that one.
3. And finally, this one time my mom and I took a vacation together to San Diego. We checked into our hotel and were getting all settled. I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth when I heard my mom scream like a baby. I immediately thought she had found a dead body in our hotel room.
I rushed into the living area to see her with the tv remote in one hand, the other over her mouth and her eyes wide as Mars staring at the TV. I looked at what was playing and realized my mom had somehow bought a pay-per-view p0rno. Like, the hardcore kind. She was in so much shock that she kept watching and screaming until she threw the remote at me and yelled "turn it off! Turn it off!"
The best part? I couldn't gain my composure for a good two minutes as I was laughing every inch of my ass off. Tears were streaming down my face so hard I couldn't see the buttons on the remote to turn it off. Eventually, I changed the station and we watched The Price Is Right for the rest of the night.
But. The best best part? When they slipped the bill under our door the next morning, my mom just paid the $15.99 for the "movie" because she was too embarrassed to tell them she ordered it "on accident."
Because I'm sure hotels hear that all the time.
It was by far, one of the best moments of my life.
13 comments:
OMG! The porno story is epic! Seriously funny!
I love this. LOL. Of course you thought she found a dead baby in the hotel room.
Those are all stories that could totally happen, in one way or another, to me. I just have that luck, like you.
Hahaha!!! Too funny! Good way to start the day with a good laugh!! My Mom would've died and I would've too from laughing.
Hilarious!!
Hahaha. You are too funny!
Oh, MOM! I would die.
Hahahaaa...I remember watching Friday the 13th when I was, too young and girly to be watching it. A few friends, my sister and me were all in the basement on the couches and there's a moment at the end when you think it's the end, let down your guard, step off the couch to get up and turn the movie off, and then BAM! The boy jumps out of the water to attack the kids in the canoe. We all scream for our lives and jump back on the couch and grab on for dear life, as if the couch is the boat in the movie.
These...are priceless! I have to book a ticket to B'more soon, so I need to make sure that I get the dates right!!
now are we SURE your mom ordered the porno on accident?...or maybe she just wanted you to thnk that....bahahahahhaahah!
The first story makes me want to be 10 years old at a sleepover, giggling over something stupid and having the time of my life. Those were the days!
Only you could tell a story about garbage disposals, porn, and puking...and make them funny! Love ya!
If you get time today....can you read my post? I'm dying to know your take on my #2 and #3 thoughts...you know...since we seem to share similar thoughts on such things as politics and parentings. K. Thanks.
Post a Comment