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12.19.2012
no this did not happen on the plane. because this only happens to other mothers. 

I turned 32 sitting on an airplane in 12E next to my four year old who didn't sleep the entire six hour flight. Rob was twenty rows back with the two year old and my sister who came along to help with the kids got her own damn seat somewhere in between. Yes, I had originally chosen all our seats together, but by some sick twist of a joke, when we checked in, our seating arrangements got all jumbled and they had every one of us sitting in a different seat, in a different aisle. Including my two toddler children.

Which made me laugh extra hard, and I was so super tempted to just say the hell with it and plop my kids down where they were assigned and go sit myself down where I was assigned. I can just imagine the people sitting next to them. As in, "oh haaaayyylll naw! I'm not sitting next to some little kid. Where is this child's mother?" and I would just smile, put my seat back and say, "take it up with the geniuses who changed our confirmed seating arrangement. They're your problem now. Oh, and make sure they get water not chocolate milk from the beverage cart because if they spill it, and they will, probably all over your iPad, water is easier to clean up. Have fun!"

Would serve 'em right in my opinion. 

Did you also know that you can't take a baby on the plane with just a diaper? Well, you can't. See, the reason my child didn't have any pants on was because he had peed all over them five minutes prior to boarding our plane. I did pack an extra pair of pants (because what idiot mother wouldn't?) but oh yeah, he had already soiled those when the pooped smushed out from his diaper on the first flight. So when I got cornered at the front of the plane, by both the pilot and a flight attendant, and they told me with a little snarky attitude that he could under no circumstances fly with just a tee shirt and diaper, and all this happened right after the huge fiasco with the seating arrangements, I about pulled a JetBlue flight attendant move and freaked the youknowwhat out. 

But you know what I did instead? I laughed. Because sometimes laughing is all you can do. Granted, it was that crazy-everyone-knows-you-are-only-laughing-to-fight-the-tears-and-not-go-batshit-crazy laugh, but still.

After this trip, my sister has promised that if she ever travels with kids (and right now she swears she never will) that she will drug them. Legally drug them, of course, but drug them nonetheless. 

And it's now 12:15 in the morning and I can hear both my kids awake in the monitors. 

Happy Birthday to me.

ps. Hawaii posts to resume tomorrow. I know. You are so excited.

pps. I know I have been horrible with responding to comments, emails, etc. lately. But I'm back home and getting settled in so I should not suck as bad now. Forgive?

30 comments:

  1. I feel for you. I flew from St. Louis to Okinawa, Japan by myself with a 5 year old, a 19 month old, and a dog. There was 2 stops in there, one being in Tokyo. I had to collect all luggage and the dog, get the dog checked in and then get all of us back on the plane to Okinawa. I told my husband I am never doing that again. Ever. He was there to pick us up, but seriously, never again. The kids are 3 and 7 now. I have not flown with them since and I'm not going to until I absolutely have to.

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  2. Um, I'm gonna go out on a limb here and suggest that Mr. Hot Shot pilot and Mrs. Fancy Pants flight attendant don't have kids. I would have done the same thing as you, except I don't know if I would have been able to laugh after dealing with two little kids at the airport. Flying with toddlers and reaching your destination always feels like a miracle straight from God by the time you get there.

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  3. I have had some pretty hellish flights as well. Did you know you can squeeze an 18 month old and a six month old in those teeny bathrooms and change them both on that freakishly small changing "table" they provide? Yikes.

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  4. I always feel for the people travelling with kids. I just know that if I'm an asshole then I'm going to get some bad karma from it when I have kids and need to travel, so I always try and help out when I can. It is a totally self-serving reason, but at least we all win, right? Can't wait to hear the recaps, the IG pics were AMAZING!!!

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  5. OK - this killed me i laughed so hard.
    because i would crack up if i were on the plane and you did that with your kids. like all "you show what's up girrrrrrrrrrl."

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  6. You can't leave us hanging?! How did you handle the pants situation? Did you put the wet pants back on? Please say you did...that's what I would have done, lol. This is why I refuse to travel with my 3 year old. I'm terrified. You're much braver than I.

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  7. First happy birthday!! Second this sounds awful. But like always I couldn't help to laugh a little bit!!

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  8. I'm assuming you put the first pair of pants back on him? You are good to laugh due to the fact that if you hadn't you probably wouldn't have gotten to Hawaii!! You are a very brave woman.

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  9. Happy Birthday, beautiful! I hope you had an amazing trip. I was following along via Instagram of course :)

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  10. I can't believe baby's can't just be in diapers on planes ?! but happy birthday. travelling with children is what scares me about having them.

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  11. Whaaaaaaaaaaat?!?!?! How can they have that "rule" ? More deets pls!! And seriously just thinking about taking M&M on a 6 hr plane ride makes me one tired and panic stricken momma!! Glad u made it home! Happy happy birthday lover!

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  12. I can't believe you DIDN'T drug them.

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  13. I am with Boobs! I still don't plan on flying with the girls until this new one is old enough to listen, reason, and enjoy it! I am still traumatized by your first horrific Gunner flight!! Happy birthday yesterday though! See you sometime this week when you wake up?

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  14. oh gosh, you are brave, I'm scared to take my 2 year, just 1 kid, to Chicago this spring...debating just leaving him at home!

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  15. Ugh, I'm such an asshole! I mean HAPPY BIRTHDAY too!

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  16. I will say they did pretty good on the flights-it was just chasing them around the airport that was exhausting! ;) and the times they couldn't sit still, but sitting on a plane is probably torture to them. and I am still exhauted and swear I will not travel with my (future) kids. hehe

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  17. I feel like in that situation I would have just stared at them wide eyed while my husband talked in a really angry low voice at them about how stupid they were...what an awful and awkward situation. :( I hope you don't feel older! xoxo

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  18. Oh gawd! I can't imagine a situation much less a birfday like that! You deserve a 24 hour spa day for being Mom of the year and not flipping the f out on the pilot.

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  19. Considering all the cleavage I've seen on flights from Mexico and Las Vegas, I hardly think a baby in a nappie would bother anyone. If anything they should be glad it is a clean one! :( Cheers to winning the lottery one day and flying private jets. Then you can all run around in your undies.

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  20. but your babies are beautiful!!!!

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  21. First, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! Second, how traumatic. That sucks. Flying with just one kid coming up, I'll pack three pairs of pants. ;-) Spokane here we come!

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  22. New reader! Love your take on the world, you're really hilarious. And your kiddos are adorable!

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  23. Brand new reader and this just made me laugh so much...I certainly hope that was what you were going for. I will say that I felt for you too, and I don't even have kids! Love your style of writing and I can tell you are going to be a daily read of mine!

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  24. Hahaha this is hilarious. You should have let your kids sit alone I think. Next year, next year. Now welcome back to reality. I'll make sure to pay you back for all of your paradise pics next week while I'm in the Bahamas :) And happy late bday!

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  25. See, we are supposed to fly from PA to Washington in May. By then my kids will be 3 and 1.5. You are not making me very excited about this plan. ;-)

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  26. Hahaha oh my goodness, I've done the Hawaii-Mainland flight several times with my baby, but a week ago we moved to AFRICA... that was TWENTY-EIGHT hours in the air with a 9-month old. She slept maybe 5 of those hours. It was brutal.

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  27. I can't believe they changed your seats! I don't know what it is with airplanes these days but they just keep doing that... it doesn't make sense. If people are on standby then they can just fit in where there are extra seats, don't move everyone around... not smart!

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

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  28. Okay, people. The pilot doesn't choose seating on a plane. It is done by a computer. Instead of being a c*nt just ask the light attendant and the people round you to please switch seats.

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  29. Gosh, the anonymous above me has a stick up her ass. I would have said she made a valid point before she threw "cunt" in there. Ps. If you can't spell the mean word out, you shouldn't be using it as an insult. Teehee

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  30. Oh, and Happy Belated Birthday, my love!

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