1.18.2013

Dear Raven


As you know, the creator of Dear Abby passed away yesterday* (rest her soul) however, they still had an influx of unanswered questions from readers, and for some crazy ass reason, they reached out to me to answer them. Probably because I'm a wealth of knowledge on stupid celebrities and politics

Yeah. That.

Of course I accepted. I've been waiting my whole life to dish out advice. snort...

So without further adieu, bring on the questions...

Q) Dear Abby Raven: I am 8 months pregnant and finally decided on a name for my baby girl. Her name will be Princess Pretty Pretty Princess. My in-laws hate the name and have threatened to boycott my baby because of it. What should I do? Stick to my guns or change her name to Mary?

- Undecided On A Baby Name

A) Dear UOABN: Keep Pretty Pretty Pony or whatever it is you have chosen. She will most definitely be the most popular, un-bullied kid at school.

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Q) Dear Abby Raven: How long should I wait to sleep with a guy?

- Lonely in Love

A) Dear LIL: As soon as you see his bank account. If there are seven zeros involved, right away. If there are less then three, never.

********************

Q) Dear Abby Raven: I have a long term boyfriend who won't marry me unless I get a double D boob job. Should I do it?

- A Sad Miserable Double A

A) Dear ASMDA: Duh. How else do you ever expect to get married? I mean, come on...

********************

Q) Dear Abby Raven: So I work in the dancing business but am scared to tell my parents. But then again, I make bank. So I really don't care what anyone thinks.

- Not Really A Question But A Statement

A) Dear NRAQBAS: Bank is all that matters. You go pole spinster! And buy your parents an extra nice Christmas present.

********************

Q) Dear Abby Raven: I've fallen in love with a ginger. I didn't mean to, and I'm not happy about it. But she cooks a mean grilled cheese so I don't want to give her up. What should I do?

- On The Fence

A) Dear OTF: Run. Fast. Gingers are like a jalapeño, hot and spicy at first but you'll definitely regret it after the first bite. Stick with the fake bleached blondes. With Double D's. I hear they make the best wives.

********************

Q) Dear Abby Raven: I hear alcohol on the daily is bad. Is this true? Please tell me this isn't true.

- Someone Who Really Enjoys Their Moonshine

A) Dear SWRETM: No. No, it is not true. Whoever told you that blatant lie probably has their shit together and remembers the events of last night. Please do not believe them. They are fun-suckers.

********************

Have any questions for Dear Raven? Ask me anything and I'll answer all in the comments.

Happy Friday friends!

*I hope you don't think I'm making light of Dear Abby passing away. She was 94 years old and lived a long, healthy life. Now she is in heaven giving advice to Elvis and Moses, I am sure.

24 comments

  1. ahahaha. amazing!
    ...and rip dear abby.

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  2. I love love this post! Haha

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  3. It's really nice post just keep up the good work.

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  4. Definitely needed this post to start off my Friday. My favorite one is "after you see their bank account" hahahah

    I vote that Dear Raven should be a recurring post, once a month! Just for some added giggles :)

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  5. Dear Raven, will you please become the next Dear Abby?
    Signed, I would read every post.

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  6. OMG, you totally made my day!!!! AWESOME!!!!!!!

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  7. I can't believe you posted my question, you bish.
    I gotta go to work now. We'll settle this later.
    -NRAQBAS

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  8. Hahahahaha this is amaze balls. You should really consider starting an advice column. Pretty Pretty Pony would be so proud!

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  9. You are hysterical! I love this!

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  10. You are hilarious, I think I like Dear Raven even better!

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  11. This had me laughing out loud, I love this!

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  12. This produced a legitimate LOL! Thanks :)

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  13. LOL you are way too funny! Loved this!

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  14. Dear Raven needs to be a real column. Get on that, NY Times.

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  15. i feel like that ending should be the start of a really awful joke: " elvis and moses walk into a bar and see dear abby.."


    ...and all get laid. ?

    see.. awful.

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  16. Perfect tribute to Dear Abby! haha Loved this!

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  17. Im rolling right now and I totally think this would be a perfect job for you.

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  18. Pretty pretty princesses and ponies do this every week. The world would be in a much better state if we all followed your advice.

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  19. OMG! Gingers are like jalapenos... DYING. I just laughed so hard I snorted. And I am totally naming my first kid Pretty, Pretty Pony. Only because you said she'll be the coolest person in school.

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  20. I really needed the answers to these questions and didn't know what I was going to do since dear Abby passed. I am so glad I can come to your blog for advice. I already made the mistake of the less than 3 0's guy.. Oh well.

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  21. I think my next dog will be named Pretty Pretty Pony. Or Bentley. Stripper names deserve love too!

    This post definitely made my day.

    Dear Raven- I have to get my child to stop sleeping in my bed. Mainly because I'm tired of huffing it to the guest room to do the "dirty" with my husband. Any suggestion? Did you Co-sleep with your boys?

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  22. Seriously you amaze me. Thanks for the laughs!

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  23. I love how you always make me laugh my ass off. Hilarious! RIP Dear Abby... My Grama used to cut out all the articles of those she thought I needed to hear and give them to me as a gentle "hint" of how I need to change... Lol.

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  24. WTF? Haha. You should just take over the column.

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