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3.04.2014

Part II.

- you don't like practical jokes. That includes watching them, participating in them and or being the target of them. Like this. That right there is some funny shit. And if you don't watch that and laugh tears? We will never be friends.

- you can't take a butt slap. Sorry not sorry but I do 'em.

- a dry sense of humor is foreign to you. I can't spend our entire friendship saying over and over again "that was totally meant as a joke." If you didn't get it the first time, we can't be friends.

- you don't watch reality tv. I mean, I need someone to talk to about current events.

- you can't swim. I spend all summer on the water so if you can't swim, you're outie. Besides, I've always been a tad…perplexed about the notion that an adult can't swim. It's just…weird.

- you think yoga pants should only be worn to yoga class. No. No no no no no no.

- you sing in front of me. Well, let me take that back. Singing karaoke to Joan Jett's I Love Rock N Roll? Besties for life. It's when you are being serious, like, you're auditioning for American Idol singing. Talk about totally uncomfortable. Shudder.

- you cry. 

- you aren't aware of your eye crust.

- you're a virgin. Sorry but at this stage in life, you should have hit a home run by now. Just as adult non-swimmers are weird, thirty something virgins are even weirder.

- you are an above average parent. Like, if your kids never watch tv, never cuss, talk back or throw things at you, if they never try to swim in the fountain at the mall or randomly strip down naked in Barnes & Noble, then we most definitely cannot be friends! (I mean, f*#k that sh*t!)

**********

So with such a detailed list of what you can't do to be my friend (considering you even want to, it's ok boo my feelings don't hurt easy, but let's be honest, I'm a f*cking good time) there is only one criteria one must abide by in order to make the cut.

Say it with me now:

It's 5 o'clock somehwere!

cheers bestie.

27 comments:

  1. Amazeballs... This is great! Thanks Raven!

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  2. I definitely cry-laughed over those videos! There is just something about seeing grown men scream like little girls that just puts me in a significantly better mood!

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  3. Hahaha!! Ok...this was a pretty good list. Except you TOTALLY cry, only at dumb unsubstantial things. And you left one off...I think you know which one I am talking about. The awkward thing though...I just can't do it! It is far too uncomfortable to me!! But again, that's why God made us sisters so we could still be friends. ;)

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  4. People falling down gets to me. I laugh every single time...as long as they're not seriously hurt.

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  5. Check, double check, and cross check. We can totes be friends. As if we didn't already know this. Ps I def wanna try to come to the boat races this year!

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  6. haha this is great. there is nothing more boring than a friend that doesn't watch reality TV...I mean what are you supposed to talk about all week!?!?

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  7. I know who to go to when I want to party..until you get to 'that' point. ;) I finally can say I like impractical jokers..i think there was this other thing you tried to get me to watch that was stupid but I think it was youtube videos. and your dry sense of humor can make some people cry...

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  8. I can't be friends with anyone who says totes, def, or worst of all amazeballs.

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  9. oh my god. i f*cking love everything about this and after reading it, I'm trying to figure out why we aren't besties!

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  10. It should have said "if you are a super left wing liberal who can't see beyond your own beliefs". Just sayin'. :)

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  11. I am with you on the swimming thing. It boggles my mind.. my Grandma didn't know how to swim.. and she had a swimming pool in her backyard!

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  12. Love this!! I am all about a good ass slap!

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  13. Pretty sure we were meant to be friends!

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  14. this post screams perfection!

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  15. I think "sly notifier of stray eye crusties" should go on my resume. What's worse, when a chick has the leftover eye makeup BLACK goober ones instead all stuck up in there. Bleck!

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  16. Loving the current events and reality TV bit!

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  17. I think considering I only have one no on the list {reality tv}, we can still be friends ;) You know you love me in spite of my deficiencies!

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  18. "It's 5 o'clock somewhere" is a motto to live by!

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  19. welp, that settles it then. we could be friends. weird, i was going to write this same post on my blog, almost word for word, but you beat me to the punch. thanks for the time saver. -Misty @ www.momistabeginnings.com

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  20. The video had me in tears!!! I loved your list! As I read each one I was like yup, uh ha, sure, Totes! lol

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  21. HAHA! This is hilarious! The only one I'm iffy on is reality TV... We can talk RuPaul's Drag Race if ya want though? LOL! Love these... And totally agree on like almost all of them.

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  23. Ooops, I commented under my daughter's gmail account...OMG! You are AWESOME! I too have never understood adults that can't swim as I learned to be water safe before I could walk as did my kids. Being friends with you would be a blast, plus I am from Napa the ultimate wine country destination. :)
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  24. lolz! Girl you are too funny!! I LOVE the new blog look too btw!
    & ps I'm not a virgin & I definitely know how to swim, its 5o'clock here...wanna go for a drink?

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  25. So I totally watched that video a few times because it was so funny the first time I decided that I had to watch it again. Seriously too funny! And love the 'It's 5 o'clock" somewhere mantra... cause I mean it is definitely 5 o'clock somewhere when I am spiking my coffee with bailey's and vanilla vodka at like 9am, right??

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  26. Wait people actually think the only place you wear yoga pants is to yoga class?!?!?! What is wrong with them????

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