- you don't like practical jokes. That includes watching them, participating in them and or being the target of them. Like this. That right there is some funny shit. And if you don't watch that and laugh tears? We will never be friends.
- you can't take a butt slap. Sorry not sorry but I do 'em.
- a dry sense of humor is foreign to you. I can't spend our entire friendship saying over and over again "that was totally meant as a joke." If you didn't get it the first time, we can't be friends.
- you don't watch reality tv. I mean, I need someone to talk to about current events.
- you can't swim. I spend all summer on the water so if you can't swim, you're outie. Besides, I've always been a tad…perplexed about the notion that an adult can't swim. It's just…weird.
- you think yoga pants should only be worn to yoga class. No. No no no no no no.
- you sing in front of me. Well, let me take that back. Singing karaoke to Joan Jett's I Love Rock N Roll? Besties for life. It's when you are being serious, like, you're auditioning for American Idol singing. Talk about totally uncomfortable. Shudder.
- you cry.
- you aren't aware of your eye crust.
- you're a virgin. Sorry but at this stage in life, you should have hit a home run by now. Just as adult non-swimmers are weird, thirty something virgins are even weirder.
- you are an above average parent. Like, if your kids never watch tv, never cuss, talk back or throw things at you, if they never try to swim in the fountain at the mall or randomly strip down naked in Barnes & Noble, then we most definitely cannot be friends! (I mean, f*#k that sh*t!)
So with such a detailed list of what you can't do to be my friend (considering you even want to, it's ok boo my feelings don't hurt easy, but let's be honest, I'm a f*cking good time) there is only one criteria one must abide by in order to make the cut.
Say it with me now:
It's 5 o'clock somehwere!