A fairytale*

9.19.2011

There once lived a family of four. My gawd were they gorgeous.

Kinda like Brad and Angelina.

Times ten.

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I take that back. Brad and Angelina times like a million.

Yeah, definitely more like a million.

The children always had smiles on their faces. Precious little angels.

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(notice the neatly folded hands? such a delight, those two)

The oldest offspring never complained. In fact, he was so compliant, his parents often referred to him as their "little marionette doll." Never gave even a peep of trouble.

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The baby of the family? Holy heavens, worth a King's ransom, that one.

He too never complained. Or cried. Or moped. Or whined. In fact, you would never know he was even there if it wasn't for the constant kisses he wanted to slop on you. The cutest little thing you ever did see.

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The baby had a head full of lush, primitive hair. Especially in the morning.

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 His parents refused to cut his hair, mainly because it pissed off anonymous commenters who wondered aloud why on earth someone would do that to their child.**

This family often took lavish vacations. Of course, the little cherubs were nothing short of perfection; never and I mean never crying on the airplane. And if they weren't jet-setting off somewhere far away and tropical, they made the quick jaunt by houseboat to the local beach.

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They were Regal, that's for sure.

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The little one would sit in silence while the older one practiced his swimming.

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Which gave their parents a lot of time to sit back, relax, pop a top off and even take a nap. Yes, they could take a nap while their children played on the beach. They were that well behaved.

Would you believe me if I told you the three year old even washed the family car?

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I mean, he was promised dinner, so I suppose it was a pretty easy decision to make.

Back to the strikingly gorgeous parents I talked about earlier. The husband was usually hounded by modeling agencies, begging him to come work with them. But he didn't want to wear a man-thong, so they sent him a fedora instead.

Even though he was so not the fedora-wearing type.

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(oh hey little one)

And the mother? They basically just paid her to breath.

That's how spectacular she was.

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THE END.

*This is a fictional story and does not depict any actual person or event.

In fact, it is complete bullshit.

**except this part.


59 comments:

  1. Hey!
    You forgot the castle! :P

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  2. I used to get annoying comments all the time before I cut my son's hair (he had curly hair). Do what you want and ignore the comments. Once you cut it, you have to get it done all the time and they don't look like a baby anymore.

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  3. bahaha you are so funny! Love that your son is washing the family car?!

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  4. love the neatly folded hands AND pink nail polish!

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  5. You always make me laugh. Love the sacrasm in this post and those pics of those precious babies. You all are such a good lookin group. Brad and Ang ain't got a thing on y'all

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  6. i don't know what was more hilarious.. your sarcasm throughout the entire post or the last and final sentence "in fact, it is complete bullshit."

    you are a goddess, woman.
    if you weren't (a) married and (b) already madly in love with a woman [britney], i'd ask you to marry me.

    xoxo

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  7. Haaaaaaaaaa...love this and your craziness.

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  8. "Lush, primitive hair." LOL! Oh, and we have those beach chairs, too. Costco, anyone?

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  9. You always crack me up (I know I say that everytime I comment but it's so true...) I think you have a gorgeous family- Brad and Angie are just EH in my book:-)

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  10. Ha! Nice. Oh the wonders a camera can do. ;) the kids are still stinkin cute though!

    - Rach

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  11. You are such a freak! Where do you come up with this stuff??? I love it!

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  12. best story I've read today! your family is adorable!!

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  13. omg i die, errrrytime over here on raven's page.

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  14. the neatly folded hands........... with pink nail polish bbbahahahahahhaha. so cute.

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  15. LOL! Love it. The primitive hair is awesome. I wish my girl child would grow hair like that.

    To answer your question- I had the twins a day past 37 weeks, full term! I'm super proud of that. :)

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  16. LOLOLOLOL! You are so funny :). Love this fairytale.

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  17. Your family is so adorable. :)

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  18. Haha your family is still so cute even if it is BS!! And what did Anonymous say!!! Do tell! People can be so annoying ...

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  19. ** except this part

    omg raven you are driving me nuts. i went all over this post like 10 million times trying to find "this part" and could not be found.

    i want to know the NON-BULLSHIT part of the story.

    like now.

    it's killing me.

    what a tricky little one you are.

    my favorite part? the neatly folded hands.

    p E R F E C T.

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  20. Your family is beyond adorable : )

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  21. bahahahah! I am laughing so hard at: "head full of lush, primitive hair."

    Darn those anonymous commenters! Don't they know true cuteness when they see it?!

    I think you guys are TRULY a fairy tale family...heck, you've got the good looks part down, for sure!

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  22. Please tell me that's nail polish on your older son in the first picture. :)

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  23. Hahaha I love you Raven!!!

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  24. OMG. the sun! hahah im sure your lovely anonymous commenter will have something to say about that!

    can i have your kids for a weekend to play with and do their hair?

    xoxox

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  25. Doncha love shaved heads? I put up pics of Rambo today too!

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  26. I leave the blog world for a couple weeks and come back to you still having me crack up every time. Thanks! :)

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  27. i think you have a big future as a children's novelist....that is if you ever decide to make more money besides what they pay you merely for breathing!

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  28. After reading all that I just want to run off and procreate. (not) lol

    PLEASE tell me your son's nails are painted hot pink in the photo with his hands crossed????!!!

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  29. You are a riot! Love this! You do have the most beautiful family! WAYYYYY MORE GORGEOUS than Brad & Angelina's! FOR REAL!!!

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  30. You crack me up. Don't you worry. My child has tons of hair and she recently decided putting it up is not cool. I've got a mini-Cousin It.

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  31. i love it;
    your oldest son looks just like you;
    adorable!!

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  32. I LOVE that I can swing by here on any given day and you can have me laughing by myself in front of the computer. You are hysterical---one of the many reasons to love you! :)

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  33. Haha great post...your fam is adorable. And yeah, I thought you may get your hopes up when you saw my blog title today...don't worry, the day when I name drop your blog is in the very near future :)

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  34. I just laughed out loud! :) LOVEEEE THIS POST! :) haha!

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  35. HAHAH! I love your story. Yes, definitely Brangelina times a million :)

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  36. Okay, true story: my heart dropped for a second when I saw the title with the * behind it. I was thinking, "OH MY GOSH I AM GOING TO CRY IF THEY ARE DIVORCING!!" Hahaha. I'm way too invested in your life, obviously.

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  37. This will be the story I will read to Emma Kate tomorrow night. Her little cryin' business that she's been doing lately is horse shit. Just because 4 teeth are growing in at the same time doesn't mean she can cry.

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  38. hahaahahahahah so funny loved it!

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  39. Love it! Your posts always make me smile :)

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  40. Bwahahahaha, that's some good stuff!!! :o) Our family is going to start reading this every night as a bedtime story in hopes of becoming even a quarter as awesome as ya'll. :o)

    Love the censored beach photo! That cracks me up!

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  41. i can't get enough of your boys...

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  42. The worst part about this post is....... There are many women who write blogs Wanting others to believe they have that perfect life.. Like they popped Ottawa pottery barn magazine. Wtf!!! Love ur blog!

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  43. I think I spotted a little pink nailpolish on those neatly folded hands... :)

    Hopefully I'm correct because if so, I'll love you even more!

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  44. Definitely a beautiful family! awesome story!

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  45. hahahaha, i just love you!

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  46. :) What a wonderful tale!

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  47. Flower over the baby no-no-parts is priceless. Just found out about your blog...you're pretty damn hilarious. Keep it up, woman. :)

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  48. Oh my my. So I decided to venture through your always entertaining blog while Google was not working and ran into this bad larry. HYSTERICAL. That is all!!

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