DON'T QUOTE THE RAVEN: Just A Basic Girl Living In A Basic World

Just A Basic Girl Living In A Basic World

10.15.2015

Alright, so the trendy thing now is to either proudly parade the fact that you are - or unscrupulously label someone else - "basic." I mean, you would think by reading Facebook articles or Tuesday's Popsugar that PSL's are the devil incarnate.

*For my 45+ readers (you know you're out there...ahem Rob...) "PSL" stands for Pumpkin Spice Latte. Also known as the worst thing any white person can ever order at Starbucks. Because ... ??? No reason really, other than some non-basic (but most likely the most basic-ist of basic people around) working at Buzzfeed labeled it as something "basic" people drink.

Is this sounding ridiculous and impossibly goofy to you?

Anyway. I was getting sick and tired of reading article after article, blog post after blog post, instagram after instagram - you get the point - of women proclaiming how basic they were. It's like if you tell the social world how basic you are, no one will rail you or make fun of you for being so basic, since you said it first. Except, that's like the most basic thing you can do. Or nobodies declaring how basic someone else is because of some benevolent stupid basic reason.

Side note: If a basic person is super basic in the most basic of ways, are they more or less basic than the basicness of the basic crime they are committing? End basic side note.

There is a pretty popular article out there (at least it was one of the first ones that popped up when I googled "signs you are basic") titled "21 Signs You're A Basic B*tch" on Thought Catalog. It's a whore and has gotten around quite rapidly in the social scene so I'm going to use this article as my baseline for deciding once and for all how basic I really am.

'Cause I'm literally dying to know.

Literally.

Like, so literally it's literally impossible for it to get any more literal than it is at this point.

(I will be bulletpointing Thought Catalogs basic b*tch points first, in bold, and then directly underneath explaining if said basic bitch quote applies to me.)

You know you're a basic b*tch if...

1. You own any Adam Sandler movie. Specifically 50 First Dates.
Not sure I've ever seen it. But Billy Madison? "Stop looking at me swan! Where's my snack pack? You ain't cool unless you pee your pants." A 27 year old who goes back to Kindergarten and sleeps with the teacher? Now there is a movie that is definitely for the most non-basic of us all.

2. You drink pumpkins spice lattes.
Look. Let's just nail it down right here, k? Drinking a pumpkin spice latte doesn't automatically make one "basic." I know it's the popular and catchy go-to phrase, but it's a drink with some pumpkin flavoring thrown in. I get just as much as you that the whole "omg it's fall omg" thing is annoying as hell. But pick something else than just a stupid liberal Starbucks drink to brand someone "basic." And no, to answer the question, pumpkin spice lattes make me want to vomit.

3. You post inspirational quotes on your facebook/twitter.
Would you rather I post gory stories of puppies dying a miserable death or like, Hillary Clinton photos? Criminy, what are your standards?

4. You tweet: "It's 11:11! Make a wish!"
As if. Most mornings I'm not even up and out of bed by then and if we're talking night time, then chances are I'm probably pretty toasted and don't give a shit about world peace at that point.

5. You instagram photos of pretty sunsets with the caption, "i believe in rainbows, do you?"
Eh, you kinda got me on this one. Although, I think believing in rainbows makes you more of a sane person rather than a basic one (since rainbows actually exist).

6. You have a dog and gave it a regular person name like "Britney" or "Tom."
Dude, my dogs name is Dude. And I actually think that's so incredibly basic that it almost ventures into non-basic territory. See how I roll? Always thinking one step ahead...totally not-basic of me.

7. You watch King of Queens.
Pssshh never seen it. No, rather I watch the more edgy shows like Dr. Phil and Judge Judy and all The Real Housewives on Bravo. So edgy, so cool, so totally not basic.

8. You're a Republican, even though you love gay guys!!!
Oh oh oh, I'm taking this one loud and proud! I am, in fact, very republican and if I do say so myself, I've been told a time or two that I'm a gay guys dream girl. It's true, see?

9. You honestly wonder whether or not you're a Carrie or a Charlotte.
Never in my life have I ever watched a single episode of SITC, so I have no idea what that even means. I do, however, spend a large portion of my life wondering whether I am Britney Spears circa head-shaving-days-with-umbrella-and-pink-wigs or Lindsay Lohan when she was banging that one chick. Seriously, the conundrum keeps me up at night.

10. You order prosecco at bars. Anything you drink is basically a giant vagina.
So I seriously had to ask Rob just now, "isn't prosecco that fancy cheese I sometimes like to order at our totally basic country club?" I totally thought prosecco was a cheese. I still kinda do. And look, I'm so hardcore and so totally not basic when it comes to my alcoholic beverages, mkay? I don't have time for flirty pink little sparkly champs wines or whatnot, no instead I down the stuff that will get me as buzzed as possible as quick as possible. Your little frilly pussy drinks just ain't gonna cut it. Moving on...

11. You only sleep with bankers and financial analysts.
Well considering my man is a plumber who fixes toilets...check! So not basic! I win!

12. You think the characters on Girls are "weird" and "depressing."
BECAUSE THEY ARE.

13. You occasionally believe in Jesus Christ, but only when your love life is in shambles and you need a higher power to make it through.
Step. Back. First of all, I accepted Jesus Christ into my heart when I was just a wee one, so go to hell. And I've given up hope long ago that my love life with ever be anything but shambles so God, you're off the hook on that one.

14. You're the reason Nickelback has a career.
I've come to the conclusion that everyone who hates Nickelback is just jealous. I mean, what else could it possible be? They are extraordinary! Their music speaks to the soul! That one guy flips his hair all around! So yes, if loving an amazing band who plays amazing music makes me basic, then I'll take it. More like basically amazing...

15. You have a tattoo that means something poetic in a foreign language.
I have my husbands name tattooed on my ass. And ok fine, I may also have a very poetic saying etched on my forearm in Italian. What are you gonna do about it?

16. You LOVE Las Vegas AKA "Basic Bitch Capitol Of The World."
I freaking love the big LV. It's my motherland. The place where I can go and be wild and free - and apparently so incredibly basic - and nothing and no one will ever change my mind about that. And I'd like to invite any one of you basic finger pointers along with me and I'll show you a totally basic time...if basic means to you getting thrown out of Margaritaville by a big 'ol bouncer named CoCo and almost getting tasered by a police officer in the backseat of a cab driven by a guy who didn't have his license and came straight from the Congo (not being racist, he literally just stepped off the plane from the Congo, he told me so). If that's all basic, let's go to Vegas and basic it so hard right now!

17. OMG, goat cheese!
OMG, did someone say goat cheese?!

18. You are STILL quoting Mean Girls.
I've actually NEVER quoted that nasty ginger or any of her cohorts so calm it down sugarteets.

19. Eat, Pray, Love AKA The Basic Bitch Bible changed your life. One day, when you find yourself trapped in a loveless marriage to a rich man in Connecticut, you're going to leave him to go find yourself through extensive prayer and pizza.
I'm starting to feel very un-basic with every question I answer in the negative. Nope, never even seen the movie. However, leaving anything, at any time, ever, to go and eat pizza sounds like a pretty damn good idea to me.

20. You RT pleas for help from children with cancer.
Whoaaa. I would think you're a bitch either way, basic or not, if you somehow think this gesture is something to mock. See #13 above...maybe you need Jesus you basic bitch.

21. You tell people that you don't "do" drama.
I've always preached that those who say they hate drama are the ones that create it the most. Me? I love it and welcome it so bring it you basic bitches!

I guess there we have it.

I'm basic.

Which, let's be honest, I've been called worse.

Yet just like I do with everything that comes my way, I'll take it and thrive. Life, Netflix binging and Vodka. Basic Basic Basic...

God it feels good to be basic.