love/hate elbow patch sweater found here
- So this one time, like last month, my husband dropped me off at a trailer park and I had to walk to the nearest McDonalds and call my dad on the pay phone to come and pick me up. One might think that situation is cause for divorce but for me, it's just another Thursday. And fine, to be fair, I admit I jumped out of the moving vehicle but the fact still remains that he drove off and left me. So rude.
- I am seriously obsessed with practical jokes. Obsessed. Some people don't like them because it makes them feel uncomfortable (pussies) but I relish in them. And even my kids aren't off limits. Life is short. We might as well laugh at other people.
- Sometimes, I fantasize about the director of the CDC. (Just google him.) Not really sure why, probs has something to do with the current Ebola situation and men in power. Plus, he totally reminds me of a less attractive version of Jim Caviezel.
- I've mentioned a time or six how I despise wearing bras. I only wear one if I'm meeting with my kids' Christian school teacher or my grandpa. Besides, when you pay five grand for the goodies, you really don't need the restriction. #fakeboobprobs
- I've been accused of being an alcoholic from time to time, and it used to really worry me, until one day I was jonesing for a drink and realized the only thing we had left in the house was Monarch vodka. In case you don't know, Monarch vodka is the equivalent of rubbing alcohol. And instead of opening it up and pouring myself one, I gave it the Mr. Yuck face and chucked it in the garbage. I may have my vices, but no way was I drinking that bunk. So see? A true drunk wouldn't discriminate and would chug away on whatever was available. But not me. I suffered through a dry night. So totally not an alcoholic.
- Speaking of alcohol, last night I instagrammed this photo...
and immediately I got the following text messages...
:: this one from my sister (she's in blue) ::
:: then this one from my cousin Lindsey (she's in blue) ::
and then when I sent those screenshots to my bestie Bre, saying how offended I was that my family thinks I'm completely off my rocker, she responded with the following...
:: Bre is in blue ::
What the hell?! I admit I like to party now and then, but come on. That much vodka would put even Charlie Sheen in the loony bin! I guess now I know what my family really thinks about me.
Guess who won't be getting any Jello shots next time they come and visit...