Sh*t My Kid Says

12.11.2017


::Talking to Gunner about the movie Zootopia and the theme of not letting anyone ever tell you that you can't do something::

me: so whenever someone says you can't do something, don't listen to them.

gunner: ok, so when you tell me I can't do something, I just won't listen to you.

me: no, that's different. nice try smartass. 

*******

::After the boys got a haircut::

me: you boys look sharp!

gunner: what does that mean?

me: it means you look flyyyyyyy.

gunner: I don't understand anything you are saying.

me: I mean damn boy you be lookin' foine! 

gunner: what is wrong with you.

******* 

gunner: can I take my pocket knife to school?

me: no son, that is criminal.

gunner: what does criminal mean?

me: it means slow drivers, open mouth eaters, loud theater talkers, redheads. 

gunner: what are redheads?

me: criminals.

*******

::As Rob and I were sitting together at the dinner table::

gunner: can we go open that package the UPS guy brought earlier?

me: {gives him my evil wide eye look that says he's in trouble}

gunner: what? you told me not to tell dad how many times he comes during the week and I didn't.

me: thanks for doing me a solid there.

rob: your mom told you not to tell me what?

me: rob stop it. inappropriate.

*******

::we got chicks and are hoping for fresh eggs soon::

gunner: how do we know if the eggs they poop out are eating eggs or their babies?

me: um, I think we know by how many spots they have on them? like if a ladybug has odd number spots, it's a girl and if they have even number spots, it's a boy. or like how I once heard that you can tell if a bee is a boy or girl by how many stripes they have, or kinda like how you can tell if a llama is pregnant by how many lady lumps she has? That's how you can tell.

gunner: I'm asking dad.

*******

And a few past conversations that I'm including here in the "hall of fame" of sh*t my kids say because it's been a while, and I like halls of fame. And I like to think I live there. With my crown and endless supply of Tito's.

me: I'm a homebody.

gunner: what does that mean?

me: it means I would rather be at home most of the time rather than any place else.

gunner: I'm a homebody too. I'm definitely not a schoolbody.

*******

colt: mommy, I'm a kitty.

me: awww. I love kitties.

colt: mom, kitty wants a cookie.

me: son, mommy wants a Ferrari.

*******

::When I was in a pinch to get Gunner dressed and out the door as we were way late for school::

gunner: I hate this shirt! this is a girl shirt.

me: no it's not, it's a unisex shirt.

gunner: what is a unisex shirt?

me: it means it's appropriate for both girls and boys.

gunner: but it has a princess on it.

me: that's not a princess. it's just a really pretty boy who grew his hair out long.

gunner: he has boobs.

*******

colt: werkjdsf lfdv lzdfkgjubfdgh dkjebzx

me: what?

colt: oisdfb wiu fkjhsdbwe vkjzsd

me: what??

gunner: he said he wants some juice and a waffle.

me: oh. ok. thanks.


*******

side note: how do you know if the eggs they poop out are eggs you fry up and make into a bacon sandwich or if they are fluffy feathery babies? I legit am confused. I can make the best vodka soda from scratch but honestly don't know how to answer this question for my 9 year old.

Why I Don't Do Elf On The Shelf For My Kids

12.07.2017

creepy little cretin


Because I don't f*#king want to.

Next.

Being a mom is hard.

I feel like that statement I just wrote was the most sanctimonious, contemptuous thing I've ever written in the whole wide world.

And yet I refuse to take it back.

Or rather, let me clarify: people who create stupid ass shit like Elf on The Shelf make being a mom hard.

And I'm not even refraining from this elf business because it's just one.more.thing. moms get guilted into doing (which it is) but because I'm taking a stand and saying enough is enough! How is this still a thing anyway? Don't "the latest and greatest" eventually die and go away just to be replaced by something else just as late and great? Why hasn't this elf succumbed to the realities of show business like Lite Brite, Bop It and the pocket rocket? Why is he still here? Legit question, and I demand an answer.

But this post so isn't about Elf on a shelf. Like I said, I don't do it because I don't bloody want to. No explanation needed, and none will be given. (To my children at least.)

kid: mooooooom, why don't we get to do elf on a shelf? All my friends do.
me: all your friends also eat their vegetables.
kid: no they don't. my friend Jimmy from class only eats ding-dongs and pizza pockets, he told me.
me: Jimmy is dumb, and so are elves on shelves.

Case closed!

Look. My kids want everrryyyytthhiinnnggg. There is literally nothing they see on TV commercials that they don't "want." Obviously, they don't get everything they want, and why should they? I do enough godforsaken stuff around this house for them and it wasn't too long ago that I was wiping their butts. Do they get love, food, affection and a stringent bedtime? Of course. Do they get playStations, elves on shelves and iphones? Of course not. I know I've become a ceaseless, dead horse beater on the subject, but shucks people, us moms deserve a smidge of sanity also!

Which makes me beg the question...why do you who do elf on the shelf, do it? I'm not judging by any means (that's a lie, I totally am. I am, I can't help it. why why why??) but what payoff do you get? You have to get some kind of clincher to keep doing it. And to name it. And to position it in certain positions so your child won't wake up broken-hearted. And to not accidentally throw it away.

I feel like such a winner mother that I didn't fall into this faddish trap. I am so much better than ya'll.

My kid wanted a fidget spinner once. I wrote an entire post about why he would never, and I mean never, get one.

He now has five fidget spinners.

I basically know nothing and have no legitimate advice.

bye.


The Holiday Anti-Gift Guide

12.04.2017

This year, let's give Santa a break, shall we? I think he deserves it.

Because STUFF.

So.
Much.
Stuff.

Did you know that this year was the most successful Black Friday in the history of ever? Not sure the actual number, but it's in the multi-billions. Did you also know that this year, charitable giving was down from last years numbers?

Huh.

Funny how that works.

Look. I'm not against stuff in general. I have stuff, too much of it, and it's always a constant struggle with me to stop buying all the useless, meaningless stuff. And for the most part, 80% of it really, truly, honestly is useless, meaningless stuff. The older I get, the more aware I am about my consumption of stuff. And if we're being honest, it makes me sick.

I won't link to the photos of starving children in third world countries, but I'm sure you've seen the photos I'm talking about. The ones where emaciated, skeletal, literally starving children are reaching out for a clean glass of water. And here in America, obesity is one of the leading causes of death.

In other countries, starvation is a leading cause of death. And here in America, eating too much is a leading cause of death. Let that sink in.

And yet, people cuss at, run over, stampede past, shove, hit, kick and literally kill other humans for a discounted TV on Black Friday.

It's repulsive.

I've fallen prey to this scheme in the past. I remember many Christmases feeling anxious, stressed and financially strapped from all the gifts (stuff) I "had" to buy. I distinctly remember the weight I felt from thinking about everyone I had to buy for, making sure it was a good enough gift and like what if she is buying something for me and I don't buy something for her, how embarrassing would that be! But why? Why should Christmas be a time where things like stress and apprehension are incorporated? In true literally meaning, Christmas was created and was always intended to be anything but stress and apprehension.

Yet go online and google "Black Friday" and tell me how in the world you can look at those photos and not feel anything but stress and apprehension.

And total, utter disgust.

We changed up a rule in our family a few years back. No gift giving of any kind to adults. I have a large family, and in the past, I would buy gifts for my mom, dad, sister, other sister, cousins, friends, etc. I was buying something just to buy something. And I was buying it because I knew they were buying me something. When in all honestly, neither them, nor I, needed anything. I know here is where some might say, "but I love giving and getting for everyone I know, and if it makes me happy and I can afford it, why not?" Fair. I would just hope that if you can afford to buy your second aunt Susie a scarf with miniature dogs on it that she will wear maybe once, you are matching that with a gift for a child in need who will remember getting a present at Christmas for the rest of their lives.

And I'm not talking about the kids here. Like I said earlier, my family has decided to forgo adult gift giving, since all of us need absolutely nothing. But when it comes to kids, I understand the novelty of gifts. Although I will admit I have drastically and I mean drastically cut down on how many gifts my kids get for Christmas, I get that it is part of the magic of Christmas for children. The tree, the lights, the gifts underneath...I get it. I was a kid once, and I get it. I am being much more mindful of what they do get, however, because when I asked my kids the other day, "what was your favorite gift that you got last year?" neither one of them could remember. And that to me just isn't ok.

Speaking of  kids and gifts: this next part might offend quite a few, and frankly, I don't care. Because let me tell you what offends me.

Every Christmas season, I scroll through my social media feeds and see photo after photo of Christmas trees with copious (and I mean OVERFLOWING) amounts of presents underneath with various captions such as, "kid's gifts are ready for them! They will be so excited!" or "my kids are so spoiled!" or "I am so happy to give all this to my kids for Christmas!"

And I get it, you are excited and proud to show off that your precious offspring get ten! presents! each! I get it. You are showing off. You might not know it, and you might honestly not even realize that you are doing it...but it is in such poor taste and so crass that I have no idea how it isn't inherently obvious what you are portraying.

You know what I see when I come across those posts? I see the kid who scrolls down and sees your post. I see his face fall, because why doesn't he have that many presents under the tree? Why don't his parents love him enough to buy him so much stuff. I see the middle schooler who has always lived a down-and-out life, and I see her wondering why she doesn't have a single gift under the non-existent tree. I see the high schooler who has been bounced around home to home, never even owning a personal piece of property, yet he sees the lavishness your precious four year old gets just for being born.

I see the single mother who scrolls down and sees your post. A mother who works three jobs to take care of her children, who worked so many extra hours and lost precious time with her children just so they would have one single gift under the tree. I see that mother looking at your post, and feeling so discouraged that she isn't enough and can't provide enough.

I get that the people who post these kinds of posts probably aren't doing so with the intent to make poor children and exhausted single mothers feel bad. I obviously get that. But I then have to chalk it up to ignorance, because it's so flamboyant and braggadocious and yes, offensive. Buy your children everything under the sun that they want, if you must, but please be mindful of posting such opulence and how it comes across to others less fortunate.

Ok. That said! Let's progress on to the main part of this post...The Holiday Anti-Gift Guide!

Looking for ideas of what to give/do this holiday season that helps others and will make your heart full? You have come to the right place!

• Give. Obviously, this is a given. Just give. To local homeless shelters, food banks, Angel Trees, pregnancy centers, toy drives, your down-and-out neighbor next door, anyone or any charity that needs help. Giving without expecting anything in return is an incredible feeling.

• Be considerate. We all know the rush of the holidays can make people a bit frazzled. Hold open doors for others, leave a generous tip for your waiter, don't honk angrily when you get cut off in traffic, be patient if someone in line in front of you is taking a bit too long for your liking. The holidays have a way of bringing out the worst in people, and by relaxing and being mindful of our own attitude, maybe we can help someone else see that the true meaning of Christmas is love and kindness. A random act of kindness will never be in vain.

• Buy books for strangers. Books can change lives. (ain't that the truth. via this post)

• Get your kids involved. Take your kids with you to pick up trash and litter. Take them with you to a soup kitchen and have them participate in helping out. Take them to an animal shelter and let them snuggle on and hug on the animals there. Have them send holiday cards to soldiers. It is our job as parents to make sure our children know full well that this world does not owe them anything, and they will get what they put in.

• Love. Yeah, it may seem sweeping and all-encompassing, but...isn't it though? Shouldn't it be?

Merry Christmas friends.

My, How Blogging Has Changed Since I've Been Gone

11.30.2017

my dog. she da best.


(I've legit been gone for like, two minutes.)

Like, do people even read blogs anymore?

My friend Liz, whom I met through blogging back in the good ol' days, was taking a poll on her Facebook page, asking her followers if she should get back into blogging or start a Youtube channel. She wanted somewhere to go to write/talk about her interests, share her opinion, review products, etc...basically what I've always loved about blogging. I love to write — it's my passion — and I have an opinion dammit and some may love it, some may hate it, but hey, C'est la vie.

However, most of her feedback was to forgo blogging and to have a platform on Youtube. Comments ranged from "I never go to blog pages anymore" to "people today definitely prefer watching videos to reading a blog post." Which really sucks for me because I will not be staring on my own Youtube channel. Sorry to disappoint, but it just isn't my thing. I'm much better on paper than in real life.

Writing is my thing. Blogging is...or was...still is?...my thing. I still kinda want it to be my thing, but is it even a "thing" anymore?

Oh and also? My earlier blog photos totally got jacked.

Apparently, Photobucket, the blog hosting site I had been using for my blog for the past 78 years, suddenly decided to hijack all my photos — and I mean all of them — unless I pay them 400 dollars! A YEAR! Then, and only then, can I have my photos back so some of my most popular blog posts won't look like this.

what.in.the.ever.loving.hell.

seriously!
the hell?!?

Is that even legal? Should I sue? Troll them on twitter? Send hate mail? Stage a march in defense of blog photo rights? Imagine my contempt when I realized all of my best work is now only words accompanied by generic images stating "please update your account to enable 3rd party hosting." Well Photobucket (said with spiteful venom), you can keep my photos and I hope a virus comes along and eats you, you filthy indian giver.

Gone are the days of big group blogger #giveaways. Or link-ups. Or guest posts. Or online Holiday ornament exchanges. (I still remember when The Bargain Blonde and I hosted a "Glitz and Glam" holiday exchange. It was great! Over 250 people participated and the link-up was on fuego.) I still remember how nervous I got the first time I was ever asked to guest post for someone. And remember that site that helped with sidebar advertisements? What were they called? Mango? Peaches and cream? Shoot I can't remember, but I know it had something to do with a fruit.

It also seems no one comments much anymore on blog posts. A lot of the bigger blogs I followed back in the day would get 30, 40, 50+ comments on a regular basis. Now they are barely pulling in a dozen. I look back on old blog posts of my own and the majority have 60+ comments, now those  have dwindled over the years to single digits, and over half of those are from my ride-or-dies, the haters. #neverchange.

I do realize that it's much easier to comment on other social media platforms. I notice that whenever I post to instagram or facebook with a link to my most current blog post, I seem to get more comments there than on my actual post. As in, they did go to my blog and read the post, but commented about it on my instagram or facebook account instead of the comment section of my blog. And I mean, a comment is a comment is a comment, and more people are reading on their phones these days rather than an actual computer and I can tell you from experience that commenting on blogs from a phone is a pain the ass. I almost never do it anymore so I can understand why no one else does it either.

But, at least they're reading? Of course, my readership has gone way down, I assume it's because I have been very inconsistent with posting the past couple years but who knows, maybe it's because my eyebrows offends them.

I guess my point is that I want to write again. That I'm going to write again. I don't need it as an income producing venture, but I'll totally admit I miss all the free crap I was given back in the day! Legit, liquor companies would send me three bottles of rum, ask me to drink them with my friends, and then pay me $350 to write a post about it. Talk about a dream non-job.

I know blogging isn't what it used to be, and I didn't even get in super early like some of those bloggers...but it's still something I want to do. I still love to sit and write and get out my thoughts.

For therapy, if nothing else.

An Anti-Inspirational Blog Post

7.20.2017

Ron Swanson, the greatest anti-inspiring person ever aka my spirit animal - marry me Swanson!

As I scroll through all my pointless, irrelevant, trivial, aimless, futile and meaningless social media feeds, I am often inundated with positive meme's, you-can-do-it attitudes and syrupy affirmations about life. Some days I nod my head in agreement, and others I want to round up all that positivity and the people that spew it and sling shot them all to the fiery depths of Walmart aisle 5 at 12:14 am on Black Friday in Muncie, Indiana.

Today is one of those days.

There are enough inspirational assholes out there. Between them and grammar snobs, it's hard to feel up to par with the rest of society. So I figure it's high time to write something a little, shall we say, not so inspirational for the rest of us.

Aka, the best of us.

- Let's lead off hard with the most obvious and annoying inspirational folks of them all: the braggart. I wrote an entire post on these specimens here but figured they deserve another mention, because can you just put a sock in it already!? Showing off your mansion and all your money doesn't inspire anyone. Actually, that's not true. It inspires me to like you even less than I already do.

- The girl power squad of "women can do it all, women are powerful, women are amazing, women rule the world, etc." I mean, everyone already knows we rule the world. Duh, we have boobs. But the overemphasis of it all is cringeworthy. And sometimes, the enthusiasm can be downright dangerous. One of the worst pieces of advice I have ever heard in my life is, "Don't look for a man to save you. Be able to save yourself." Ok man-hater, have you ever been hanging off the edge of a cliff seconds from death, only to have a *gasp* man reach out his hand to save you? Yes, I said save you. If you lived life by your advice, you would hang there until you eventually fell and died. But hey, at least you did it all by yourself! Woman power! Oh, and the next time I hear someone say, "I did everything he did, but backwards and in high heels" I'm gonna say prove it. No, right now, do that one handed layup off the backboard that you just saw him do, but you know, backwards and in high heels. Either do it now, or get out of here with that inspirational but totally inaccurate drivel. 

- "If you can dream it, you can do it." Um, actually, that's totally not true. Seriously, why all the inspirational lies? I've been dreaming about being a Calvin Klein underwear model, or Britney Spears' tour manager, or a professional Grey Goose vodka taste tester for years now and I've never been not closer to any of those dreams in my life. My husband has been dreaming for a wife that regularly doesn't overspend and underperform and well, my point is that not all dreams come true. In fact, if we're being honest here, most never will. One or two might squeak through the cracks, but life is hard, and then you die.

- Social media has created a mass amount of #goals no one knew they were lacking. Like the girlfriend who constantly hashtags #boyfriendgoals when everyone and little Susie down the block knows he flirts with everything that walks and makes you go dutch on your #goalworthy date nights. The chick who hashtags #hairgoals when she painfully obviously wears fake extensions. The mom who has three nannies and hashtags herself #momgoals (L O freaking L). And then of course we have #squadgoals that everyone and their posse posts. I hate to break it to you, but if it ain't a trio of Britney Spears, Ron Swanson and Billy Bob Thornton, your #squadgoals are busted.

- Speaking of hashtags, this one deserves it's own bullet point. I'm talking about those who post a selfie of their mug with #nofilter when obviously and I mean so obviously they are using a filter! Newsflash! Even if you pull a photo from Snapchat (where you so obviously used a filter) and then post it to Instagram and don't use a filter, it is still a filtered photo!! That's like me drinking five vodka soda's at Applebee's and then moving on down to Red Robin and sidling up to the bar and telling the bartender, "I haven't had anything to drink here yet! Give me my first vodka soda." Truth, but mostly just lies.

- Then we have those people who are experts on life and try to tell you how to live it. Every time I see their status update on Facebook I think, "oh for f*cks sake, here we go again." Yes, please do tell me how much sugar is in that soda and how many pus pockets are in my steak, you life ruiner. Also, I pinky promise that if I need to know how to get pregnant, what to eat while I am pregnant, what not to do while I am pregnant and how many times I shouldn't be doing it while pregnant, what doctor approved medicines to definitely not take while pregnant and which position is best to birth out a baby from my honey pot, I will ask. Did you get that? I. Will. Ask.

- Can't leave out the gym rat #inspos, oops I mean #fitspos (eye roll). Let's just say there are more phones at the gym taking selfies these days than actual people working out, and yeah yeah you're on a health journey and have already lost twelve pounds and I'd probably take that selfie too if I looked like that but I don't and truth be told I prefer my burpies come from eating too many doughnuts instead of those God-awful exercise thingamajigs but that's neither here nor there. Do you think "checking in" at the gym on Facebook is going to inspire anyone to give up Ding Dongs? Girl please. But my favorite, and I mean my absolute hands down indisputable favorite are the #sobrave posters whom obviously have no body fat whatsoever but post photos of themselves bent over with the quote, "everyone has rolls when they bend over." Well no shit Sherlock that's just basic gravity but I have rolls when I'm stick straight upright frigid in the middle of winter! I might have an ounce of sympathy for you if you walked around like the Hunchback all the time but you don't. Because that's not how people walk. And that photo of your "roll" isn't how you really look. Thank you though for trying to "stand in solidarity" with us fat folks, I guess.

Now go flex yourself.