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Don't Quote The Raven

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9.17.2014

So today I will be jumping out of an airplane. 

Hopefully the parachute opens…

but if not……eh

I can think of worse ways to go.

That said, I have penned a letter to the most important people in my life should I splatter to my death on some Snohomish general area of ground. I mean, they give the stats of survival and it's pretty promising, but at the same time, I'm going up into the atmosphere in a teensy hunk of metal and jumping out into the abyss at my utter will, with only the promise of a complete stranger to take my life into his hands (because let's be honest, I don't trust no chick) and I can only hope I survive long enough to blog about it.

Ok then.

Dear Only Remaining Sister:

I'm sorry your twin went up with me in the airplane. It was a free ride and she couldn't resist. I would have asked you but you are pregnant and 9 out of 10 doctors say it's a bad idea for you to go skydiving. Of course, I tend to go against the grain and scoff at your so-called "trendy" doctor but to each their own.

Sincerely, your favorite (and quite possibly only) sister.

Dear Teachers of My Boys:

When they come to you with a show-and-tell of a busted umbrella, just go with it…

Sincerely, their deceased mother.

Dear Dad:

McDonald's only once a year. I say this knowing you will use the general time table of fast food concurring to grandparents which is when the mother says once a year, it really means once a month which really means once every other Wednesday except during Leap Year which means both my kids will get an extra happy meal and fight over the same exact toy. 

Sincerely, do they have fries in heaven?
Dear Mom:

You birthed me.
I birthed them.

By law of the universe, they now belong to you.

ps. Gunner still needs his butt wiped.

Sincerely, someone who never ever has to wipe another human's butt.

Of course, naturally, I saved the best for last...

My true loves, the reason I exist, and the most important part of my goodbye letter. Please never forget me, and always remember the good times. If I could say one thing and one thing only, it would be this...

Dear Husband:

All I ask, is that she's not a ginger.

Sincerely, 
Q) What do you call a good looking man with a redhead? 
A) A hostage.

Dear Fedex Guy:

She's a whore. Don't give her my stuff.

Sincerely, your one and only whore.
*wink wink*

*****************************

Ok so let's be honest. 

The chances of me dying from skydiving is nil to none. 

But still…with my luck, we will land just right where a snail will be blocking traffic and my pinky toe will snag it just right where it will trip up my tandem dude on back and force him to tail-end it over my plump pumpkin ass which in turn will create the perfect storm in which my head will knock against his left knee and push my chin into the ground which will hault our perfect landing and I won't get home in time to watch the premier of Survivor nor the finale of Big Brother and OMG I'm going to die.

Goodspeed.
9.11.2014

- Oh look. I went darker less bleachy with my hair. Not sure what else to say when it comes to my hair. I change it like the wind. I'm surprised there's any left. (But I'm currently loving this color.)

- As my kids and I were walking out of Target into the parking lot, I opened the door to my car and told my kids to get in and buckle up. It was only when Gunner had crawled in and said, "mom, where is my carseat?" that I realized this wasn't my car. Holy shit, kids hurry and get out now! (In my defense, it looked exactly like my car and was parked exactly one row over. Not my fault I have a stalker.)

- I'm attending a friend's bridal shower this weekend. I almost missed it because I don't want to go but there's free food. And I almost never decline appearances when there's going to be free food. 

- I'm also attending my sister's baby shower on Saturday. Because I have to. And because there's going to be free food.

- I've been enjoying the heck out of my free mornings five days a week. Meeting for coffee dates, getting some house work done, mostly though just coming back home and going back to bed, but I'm going to be starting a real live j-o-b soon so I gotta prepare to get back to the real world. Ahhhh the ol' real world. Funsies.

Have a good weekend friends.

9.10.2014
As we were driving to school the other day, Gunner pointed to a storage facility and asked "mom, what are all those little buildings?" I responded "they are storage garages. People rent them and put all their extra stuff in there." To which he said "why do people have all that extra stuff?"

Good question. 
Deep thoughts from a six year old.

And the truth is, I didn't really know what to tell him. "Um, because they want it? Because they didn't have enough room in their 3000 SF home to fit it all? Because a lot of people these days are greedy money hungry bastards trying to keep up and impress people who don't give a shit about them?"

Because seriously. Who does really need an extra storage unit? I mean, it's understandable if say, you have a business and need to store large equipment or need a place to park your extra ferrari's, but the good majority of average every day folk…why the need to pay money for a space just to keep a bunch of crap you obviously don't need nor miss in your every day life hence it sitting there collecting dust?

Really though. Why?

Why do women need so many handbags? Why do kids need so many toys? Why do men need so much damn sex? 

I mean, why pay $1000 for a bag to hold all your useless shit (and let's be honest, most of it is useless) when you could just go to Target and buy a super cute one with like glitter for a twelfth of the price? Of course, with the laws of Target, you still wouldn't walk out of there spending much less than $1000 due to all the random other useless shit that jumped into your cart, but at least you'd have some usable stuff like bandaids and Tums to show for it.

And my kids and their toys? As a parent, I'm sure you can feel me when I say no matter what it is, even if it's the packaging their beloved Transformer toy came in, if you try and throw it away? Nuh-uh. Ain't happening. Unless you do it all while they are asleep. I've loaded up about five garbage bags full of toys while my kids were napping, and quickly had them delivered to Goodwill before the kids woke. Guess what. They never noticed a dang thing missing.

Same thing goes for the husband and his wallet but shhhh….

Simplify. Certain situations in our lives right now have made us change the way we do things a little, which I'm totally ok with, and actually welcome with open arms. My kids don't need a little toy every time we go to the store. I don't need every single salmon pink lipgloss every time I pick up some bread. Ok yes I actually do but my kids still don't need more toys. 

I don't need to buy more books off my Goodreads list when I have three series already sitting on my bedside table waiting to be read. I don't need omg new fall boots when I bought three pair last year that I still haven't worn. And I definitely don't need the newest iPhone 6.

I have a lot. Less than some, more than some. And most of all, I have everything I need

I mean, I guess the one thing I need that I don't already have is a signed Britney Spears poster…kinda need that hanging on my bedroom wall, but other than that…


*I have to add in here a disclaimer: If I were super rich? 
Like super super? I would totally buy myself a 
$1000 handbag and have an extra storage garage or two 
for all my luxury cars. I'd do all that stuff if I 
were loaded but since I'm not, I can totally bitch and judge.

**I'm totally getting the new iPhone 6.