Don't Quote The Raven


My Crazy Meds Are Making Me Crazy

I've talked about my anxiety before, but for those of you who haven't read my previous posts, I used to have anxiety so bad I would be driving down the road and would have to pull over suddenly because I felt like I was about to pass out at the wheel. I felt jittery and almost like I was outside myself looking in.

I would be sitting at lunch and would just feel so...out of it. It felt like my head was fuzzy and my brain was made out of clouds. I was always aware of how I was feeling, and aware that I shouldn't be feeling this way and that it was abnormal and that it totally sucked.

Besides just feeling "weird" from time to time, I also had panic attacks, usually at night when I was trying to go to sleep. Before I was aware of what they were, I honestly thought I was dying of a heart attack or irregular heart palpitations. After I realized that they were panic attacks, I was able to tell myself so and try and calm myself down with deep breathing. Just knowing it's not a heart attack and I'm not really going to die is half the battle right there.

The other half I remedied with medication. Anti-anxiety meds that helped tremendously, at first, until they didn't. After a year or so, most that I was taking started to wear off, so I would be put on a new pill and if that worked, great, if it didn't, I would be put on a new pill. 

And so on.

Then I found one that worked amazing. Almost zero side effects. My insurance covered it in full. Then Obama rocked my world and took it all away from me. Which created a firestorm of trial and error... mostly error. Because let's be honest...there are so many side effects to these drugs. And after a while, I just got sick and tired of switching and trying and hoping and praying that maybe this time would be the time it would really work!

I mean, let's be honest here. We have all heard the prescription med commercials where at the very end, they speak in ebonics and lightning fast speed about the possible side effects that could occur...such as memorylossdisorientationdepressionimpairedthinkingnauseablurredordoublevisionANDEVENDEATH. (Said really really really really fast so hopefully you don't catch half of what they are saying and still purchase said pill anyway.)

Uh. What?

Don't get me wrong, I'm definitely not knocking anxiety/any other kind of prescription drugs. They have helped me (relative) for years, and who knows, I may be back on them in the future, maybe even the near.  But today? For now? Right now?

I'm going off it all. Completely just done with it.

I had a doctor appointment last week and the current medication I was on is one that can be stopped cold turkey. It also happened to be one that made me more crazy. It made me more anxious and it caused me to feel quite often like I was outside of my body...hovering above and looking down at my physical self. It's hard to explain but I'm sure all you fellow anxious peeps know exactly what I am talking about.

And so after 13 years of relying on anti-anxiety meds, give or take the two 9-month stints when I was pregnant, I'm departing my relationship with my happy little (relative) helper and going at it alone. Just me, myself and crazy I.

It's only been five days since I stopped. Doc said the meds should be totally out of my system within a week, so we shall see in the next few days how I really feel living in the real world like a normal (???) person. I'm actually pretty excited not to have to worry about taking a pill every day at the same time just to function.

I know I will have to deal with certain situations, and like my doctor said, for people who have anxiety, it is like their nervous system is on high alert. When I would tell him that at times it felt like my heart was stopping and starting again, or literally skipping a beat, he said that in all reality, our hearts sometimes really do stop and start again. He compared it to the inner workings of a vehicle...things don't always go exactly right or as planned and gears strip out here or there but the vehicle keeps on keeping on. He told me that is exactly how our bodies work, but people who aren't high anxiety don't pay attention or focus in on the mundane things, like every strip of the inside of our bodies, but for the anxious ones, it stops us in our tracks and makes us think the very worst.

Which is exactly why I have chosen to go on medication in the past. And I'm glad I did, but right now, I trust in my body. And that eating the right foods and exercising and keeping a healthy mind can greatly improve my quality of life. 

Besides, I totally saw a pinterest meme that said eating cashews has the same effect as taking anxiety meds. 

So from now on I'll just be over here eating all the cashews.


Life Lately

- I took the boys to see Santa the other day, and not the mall Santa either, that dude is creepy. Instead I took them to see a fun Santa who I hear is amazing with kids. Lively, isn't perverted or dead in the eyes like mall Santas seem to be. This place had live reindeer in the front and food in the back - talk about my kind of place! 

So anyway, I talk it up the entire car ride there "so this Santa is actually the real Santa and that is why everyone wants to go here to see him" and "make sure and have your list ready because this guy is the real deal" and on and on. Kids were super excited. We get there, I pay for their Santa lap sitting admission and get in line. 

After about five minutes of waiting, I ask the people in front of me how long it will take to get to the front of the line. They respond "about an hour." 

And then, "yep okay kids, let's go! This actually isn't even the real Santa anyway. He sucks and has herpes . Maybe tomorrow we'll stop by the mall."

A freaking hour. To wait in line with two crazy termagant kids. Psssshh. I ain't that good of a mom.

- Back to work. My working career has been all sorts of random: first job ever was working at Hollywood Video and I quit after two weeks cause a guy I had a crush on came in to rent Showgirls and at that time, our uniform required us to wear bow ties. I was so embarrassed he would see me in a bow tie that I ducked behind the counter and left permanently after my shift. 

Then I went off to college (ha) and worked at a coffee stand in the mall for a hot second. Then I came home from college and packed up and moved on out to Vegas only to return home ten days later and then got a waitressing job at a country club which I stayed at for two years. 

Then I met my future husband at the country club and even though they didn't have a rule against doing members downstairs in the women's locker room, they did have a rule about coming in after my shift was over and just hanging out in the bar with my sugar daddy.

So obviously I had to leave that job (and I really honestly loved working there) and went to work with family at a real estate magazine. Four plus years later I quit to raise my kids. And now? Now finally both of them are in school five days a week for a few hours so I can get back to real life and real adult conversations.

I'm back to work at the real estate magazine (only while my kids are in school, and also some work I can do from home) and I've also been doing a little freelance writing for local publications in the area. Having to get dressed in real clothes and waking up before 8 am has been a challenge, but I'm getting by. 

It is hard though and please feel sorry for me.

- So the other day I put this on my rig:

ok so this is why.

I saw it once while driving and thought it was totally cute. Then we were at Hobby Lobby and I saw the whole set on sale for under fifteen bucks. 

I couldn't pass it up, so I didn't. 

My kids love it, and secretly so do I.

But. When I'm out driving alone? Without visible kids in tow? I totally take the costume off. Because embarrassing. I mean, it's almost like being caught with hair extensions in - such a fake, but yet you know the person in question thought they were omg so cute. Does that make sense? 'Cause that's totally how I feel when driving down the road dressed as Rudolph.

I mean, it's so terrible and shame-worthy it's almost awesome.

- So this past weekend, I basically just held something that looks a lil bit like this:

that, in case you haven't heard (ahem instagram...I tell my whole life story on instagram) is my newest niece Bria! She is approx. six weeks old and I'm already so her favorite. Angel baby, right there.

- Rob. What's new with Rob?

He makes it out every now and then. And by every now and then I mean he still wakes up at 5 am and goes to work and then he's spent and in pain by the end of the day. Apparently when the doctor took a closer look at his x-rays, he noticed Rob had broken five ribs instead of four, which really, what's the big difference anyway. 

Also, Rob doesn't really listen to anyone (you should be at home in bed!!! Says the doctor!!!) yet you can't really teach an old dog new tricks, yes?

- And finally, that's basically it.



Only Dead Fish Go With The Flow...Or Something Like That, Right?

Sometimes something comes across my Facebook feed and is so unbelievable I just have to shake, shake, shake my head. Or I read something on the news and it's like...but for really?! And then I come here to my tiny little space on the internet and let my opinion fly. 

'Cause I can.

**Redacted my first opinion point because I'm not yet sure if it's verified true. If it turns out to be, I will put it back up.**

- Miley Cyrus gyrating and fingering herself on stage doesn't make her a "rebel." Blowing weed smoke out of her orifices on big movie screens during her concerts where there are thousands of impressionable young girls doesn't make her "edgy" or "badass." 

It makes her a lame duck follower with no moral compass and just flat disgusting. She is doing exactly what every other druggie loser on the planet is doing. Bravo.

- People who go off bombing the eff word and every other expletive out of their mouths at every turn aren't "hip" or "cool," no you just sound dumb, simple and really, really uneducated. 

- Social media users who flaunt every yacht or sports car they own and take selfies with stacks of hundred dollars bills aren't people to aspire to be. No, instead they come off as shallow pathetic showoffs who obviously are lacking meaningful substance in their life. 

Someone who is doing it right?

Taylor Swift. Love her or hate her, she is a great example of someone who tows the line and has self respect yet makes fun of herself and the rumors the media blasts. Not only that, she makes tons of money doing so. She's figured out how to do what most people will never be able to do. And she does it with class.

So see Miley? You don't have to be a skank to stand out. I mean, maybe you do, but people with real true talent don't. 

In conclusion, the ones in the wrong and the ones with the masked agendas and the ones who are so insecure are almost always the ones who yell the loudest. They are the ones quoted by reporters and filmed for breaking news specials but make no mistake: that most certainly does not make them right. 

They are fools.

And fools are limitless these days.

Because in the end, in the very end, everyone always sees through all the bullshit. Every single time. It may take a while, the evildoer may appear to be winning, but I guarantee you, I promise you...doing what is right and just will always triumph.


And must I quote Miss Swift: players gonna play, play, play, play, play and the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, baby I'm just gonna shake...

and you all know the rest ;)


Absolute Truths

- I laugh way too hard whenever my kids get hurt. Ok let me clarify: when they stub a toe or run into a table corner, that I don't laugh at. I know how bad that can hurt and I console and hold and stroke and love on. It's when they do things like fly off the sled when I'm whipping them around a corner at 50 MPH...and they do a few somersaults before skidding to a stop on their face in the snow. 

And then when I come back to retrieve them and they are staring at me all flustered and frozen with snow caked in their ears and nostrils and OMG I lose it. So, so, so hilarious. Hashtag only good moms laugh when their kids slip on ice.

- Last week I instagrammed this photo (do you follow me on instagram? 'Cause you totally should):

and I realized something. Like really really life-changing realized something. 

After a few off-color comments, I came to the soul searching conclusion that I am the Lindsey Lohan of the bunch. Not only that, but I am totally, 100%, unequivocally absolutely okay with it. Furthermore, I am borderline proud of it. Hell, it may just be my next tattoo.

I mean, LL is at least a fun time. Beyonce seems like a stuck-up, stick-in-the-hole bitch. Who wants to be around that?!

- I'm unabashedly obsessed with Bravo's Vanderpump Rules. Those people are my tribe. And again, totally not embarrassed about it. Honored. Noble. Gratified. What have you.

- I fully base my friendships around alcohol. As in, if you don't drink, we can't be friends. As in, if you don't know how to have fun, we can't be friends. As in, if you don't watch Vanderpump Rules and totally relate, we cannot be friends!

- I can admit my faults. I can apologize for my transgressions. I always will. But if you can't, won't and don't? Well then, let me just say this:
I will always hold dear "my people."

And finally, 

I love my mom. 

That's all.

Happy Monday friends.