Mommy And Me Vlog

As promised.

Still working on my husband. Come hell or high water, I'll threaten it out of him eventually.

(Excuse the poor audio. Somewhere in the middle of the vlog our voices get all wonky and mismatched from our mouth movement. No idea.)

An Open Letter

An open letter to the woman who stopped me, with her actual hands, at the grocery store and let me know that my kids "need someone with a hard hand to put them in their place." 

I think you also mentioned something about "spoiled rotten" or some similar sentiment but after you put your paws on my newly purchased floral kimono and not gently, might I add, squeezed my arm to get my attention, I kind of tuned out what you were saying and started thinking about punching you in the face.

But first, I would like to commend you on being out today in the pouring rain with two little children. As you know, it's no easy task taking kids grocery shopping. It sucks, it never goes as planned, they almost always act out in aisle seven right at the exact moment that gallon of soy milk magically jumps out of your cart and splatters all over the ground. Have you ever had a kid face plant out of the cart and onto the cement floor? I have. One screams, the other laughs, everyone stares and no one helps. No matter how well you bribe them, they fight with each other like it's World War Three. No matter how many times you warn them, they get their fingers stuck in-between the cart and the checkout stand. And the tears. The whining. It's enough to put one away on the crazy train for life.

So I would like to earnestly applaud you for braving the elements today and venturing out to such a scary place like the grocery store with real live monsters in tow, but also for looking incredibly fabulous while doing so.

Oh wait. 

That was me.

Oops, my bad.

Let me start over. I would like commend you, kimono arm grabber, for having the blazing balls to physically assault (ok ok, so maybe that's a stretch) a visibly distressed (yet amazingly dressed) mother who was obviously trying in vain to control her two young children from knocking every vodka bottle off the shelves and onto the floor. (What? So I was in the liquor aisle. Sue me.)

Even if you had no idea what the hell you were even talking about, congrats, pat on the back, and all that jazz.

Did you know that five minutes prior to entering that liquor aisle (aka heaven) we were back a few by the medications searching for something, anything, please God anything that would help my youngest sleep longer than 30 minute stretches? 'Cause see sweetie, he's been battling a nasty cold with impressive phlegm and the entire house has been disrupted the past few days. Did you know that? Of course you didn't. However, after seeing you here, I also didn't know shoulder pads and scrunchies were making a comeback so I guess now we're even.

Did you also know it happened to be nap time when you violated my left bicep and auditory perception? What's that? Why were we in fact at the grocery store during nap time? Good question!! Let me tell you why.

We were at the grocery store during nap time because we were out of all the basics; bread, milk, vodka, etc., and usually, I always try to plan my grocery trips around a time I know my kids will behave in a decent manner. Usually as in like 99% of the time. However. As life goes, and as I mentioned earlier, my kid has been hacking and snotting up a storm (he even threw up on me last night. Completely missed the puke bowl by a mile and thus all. over. me.) so that's been nice and my husband has been working out of town five days a week so I see him only on the weekends and so basically I'm doing this single mom thing over here all by myself (but don't feel too bad for me, I mean, let's be honest, I drive a luxury car and can online shop from time to time, so by all means, please feel sorry for me, just don't go overboard) and you just happened to catch my on the one day a year I decided to venture out to the store during omg nap time! so my kids wouldn't starve to death. 

Oh I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bump you with my shopping cart. Or rather, this ginormous plastic taxicab contraption that grocery store chains have started providing for kids to ride in much to their parents dismay. Have you ever tried to steer one of these things?! It's flippin' impossible! They don't turn worth crap and they run into everything and of course we ended up with the one with a wonky wheel and let me tell you something 80s lady, pushing two upset children in this shitmobile with a wonky wheel is possibly the worst thing that could happen to an upstanding contributing member of society much like myself EVER!

I'm actually so happy to have ran into you today. You provided an excellent conversation starter with my kids on the way home as to how not be a raging asshole. 

I would also like you to know that the toilet bowl just overflowed. You know my child that puked on me? Well that pesky little bug he has has worked it's way out the backend, if you know what I mean. I just got done cleaning literal shit off the floor and I'm pretty sure I just heard my second child puke in the living room. 

And we have berber carpet!! 

Which must mean the trickle down has started and such is the circle of life.

Still judging me for being in that liquor aisle?

Sincerely, 

someone who has a much better sex life than you.

Obviously.

Three Things

1. Victoria's Secret Bralettes. I've said before how I'm not a bra person. I don't do them, they are so uncomfortable and let's be honest, with my procedure, I really don't need to wear one. But sometimes, certain shirts and certain thinness of the shirts call for a bra to be worn. Enter my saving grace: VS bralettes. Super comfortable, no underwire yet they keep your girls in place! And the best part? The designs they come in make it perfectly acceptable for your bra straps to be shown. Most of them look like cute little lace camisoles, yet nope, totally a bra. 

my collection

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1  /  2  /  3 (I wish…if I were rich…)  /

2. Kimonos. After seeing Ashley's super cute kimono she wore to Vegas, I had to get me some of my own. I love them. Sure, they may be trendy at the moment, but they are effortless and cute and breezy and casual. I think I'll be seeing myself in a lot of them come this summer. 

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3. The It Works Body Wrap. As I've said before, there is no substitute to losing weight and getting fit besides eating well and exercising. I've tried it all and nothing works but that. I also full heartedly believe that adding in extra boosts can help in seeing you lose inches and weight just a tad bit faster. 

I do my research on things, and when Kym offered to send me some It Works Body Wraps to try out, I was super excited. I've heard about them and I've seen before and after photos of people who had used them and was definitely intrigued. What are they exactly what what do they do?

- Tightens, tones and firms

- Reduces the appearance of cellulite (holla!)

- Improves skin texture and tightness

- Progressive results over 42 hours

From Kym's website: The It Works Body Wraps is a non-woven cloth wrap that has been infused with a powerful, botanically-based formula that works to deliver maximum tightening, toning and firming results with applied to the skin. It continuously hydrates for firmer, smoother and more youthful looking skin and is the answer for how to reduce the appearance of stretch marks and cellulite. 

I am going to be using the wraps for the next three months and will update weekly with before and after photos. (I actually already used one last week and the results are pretty awesome. I will show you all next week!) 

You can read more about them here!

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And it's Tuesday. I hate Tuesdays. There is nothing good on TV. Bye.

Just An Added Bonus

#word. photo from my fitness pinterest board

Since getting serious about getting fit, I've been noticing a lot of people talk about Shakeology on instagram. I saw all these women in amazing shape rave about the shakes and how it has given them mass energy and helped propel them into losing weight.

Now let me just stop here and say I don't believe in any quick fixes. If you have been around this blog long enough, you know I've tried some pretty silly things before, and obviously, quick fixes never work. Which is why I've gone back to the tried and true method of eating healthy and working out. It's been just over two months since I started getting serious, and I haven't missed a workout once (M-F). I've been eating really clean (for the most part, I definitely allow myself a few snacks here and there) and even though it's only been two months, I can definitely see improvement. What I'm doing is working, and it motivates me to keep it up. 

That said, I am all for extensions to help aid in my weight loss. I know working out and eating right is the bulk of it, but I also know other things can help the progress. So when I started hearing all about Shakeology, I was interested. 

Shakeology has been all the rage lately, being blasted all over social media. It's exploding and for good reason. It's super nutritious, incredibly filling and tastes amazing. Yet, don't all "shake companies" say that?? Truth is, they do. Basically, you can find out every single thing you need to know right here. 

Look. Yes, I am a Beachbody "coach" (I have no idea why they call it that) and I sell the stuff. I have a website here where you can order Shakeology. That said, I don't have a quota I have to meet monthly. There are no fees for me to sell Shakeology except for a monthly $14.00 charge to keep my website up and running. If no one ever orders Shakeology from me, no skin off my back. I'm not trying to recruit anyone to sign up nor will I ever beg for your money. All I'm here to do is talk about my experience with the stuff and how it has been impacting my life and my weight loss goals and if anyone out there decides to try it out themselves, well then, yay! If not, yay also! Everyone has to do what works for them.

For me, I've been making a chocolate shake with PB2 and almond milk, once a day. I don't substitute mine for a meal, because I like to eat my meals, not drink them. But let me tell you from experience, I am full after I drink a shake. And it gives me crazy energy. I usually make mine right after I do my workout, and I'm walking on top for hours. My stomach feels heavy, in a good way, like I just ate an entire Italian meal except I only had a low calorie very high nutritious shake.

Bottom line, I'm a fan. I've tried tons of fads and quick fixes and obviously none of it worked. I should have known better anyway, as when I was my thinnest and most in shape, I was working out religiously and eating super healthy. Now that I have found Shakeology as a add-on to my weight loss, I am in seventh heaven. 

IF you want, you can order some here. If you don't, please don't. 

I promise I won't be madz.

Happy weekend friends.

Shit My Kid Says

Gunner: Can I say bad words?

Me: No.

Gunner: Well Tanner cusses, I hear'd him. So if he can, then I can.

Me: That's bullshit. And if you say that again, I'll pop your ass.

Gunner: Can we go to McDonalds and get a happy meal?

Me: No.

Gunner: Whyyyyyyyyyy?

Me: Because McDonalds will kill you.

Gunner: He will?!

Me: I mean the chicken nuggets will kill you.

Gunner: They will?!

Me: Yes. 

Gunner: But…the chicken nuggets are so…small.

Me: YOU EAT THEM YOU DIE.

Colt: Mom?

Me: What.

Colt: Mom??

Me: What.

Colt: Mommy?

Me: WHAT.

Colt: Ummm…mom? Mom?

Me: My God WHAT kid spit it out!!!!

Colt: Nuffing. I mean, I just love you. 

Me: Oh. Thanks.

Colt: That's all I wanted to say.

Me: (hangs head in shame)

Gunner: Today in school we learned about fairness.
Me: And what did you learn about being fair?
Gunner: That we all have a job to do and it's our job to do our own job and we shouldn't expect anyone else to do our job for us because we need to do our own job.
Me: Damn I love Republican teachers.

Gunner: I want to play soccer.
Me: Soccer is boring.
Gunner: You're boring.
Me: No, watching you play soccer would be boring.
Gunner: Watching you watch Dr. Phil all day is boring.
Me: Touche. Soccer it is.

Colt: Mommy, I'm a kitty.
Me: Awww. I love kitties.
Colt: Mom, kitty wants a cookie.
Me: Son, mommy wants a Ferrari.

Gunner: Mommy, what's breakfast?
Me: What do you mean?
Gunner: Some of the kids in my class talk about breakfast.
Me: Breakfast is a fable. It's make-believe. Breakfast is for kids whose mommies get up at the ass crack of dawn and make them nasty lumpy pancakes and give them gag-inducing pulpy juice and then those mommies are monsters all day long because they are over-stressed and over-tired and are just bad, evil people.
Gunner: Is that why you are the best mommy ever? Because you sleep 'til lunchtime?
Me: God bless you child.

Ranch Doesn't Look Good In A Bikini

Some things stick in my head forever, things I've heard once and never have forgotten, things like, "No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted" and "You ain't no hoe if you don't go down below" and "You can't outwork a bad diet." 

You can't outwork a bad diet.

That one has definitely stuck with me. Remember last week when I talked about my workout routine? How I explained how much I hate and despise working out yet do it anyway, and how doing so makes me eat super healthy because I won't let all that hard work go to waste by eating shit?

It's because I know that no matter how hard I work out, if I eat bad, unhealthy foods, my hard work in the gym will be useless. And I refuse to do something I inherently loathe five days a week and not reap any benefits. I'm much too smart for that.

So.

I've been changing my eating habits drastically. First off, I haven't been finishing my kids' food. I don't eat their last chicken nugget or the rest of their pancakes or God forbid finish off their mac and cheese. I want to, believe me, I want to. But I don't. Because I know I will never get the body I want by eating randomly and without thought. I will never get there by thinking "might as well not let it go to waste." Because let's be honest here: those leftovers look much better in the trash then they do on my thighs. 

I've also been eating a mostly vegetarian diet. I would say I eat meat (only organic chicken or turkey) a maximum of once a week. My ultimate goal is to be completely meat-free. I haven't had red meat in over two months, and to all my vegetarian readers out there…I don't think chicken or turkey is any better than red meat! I really don't! I only admitted to eating it so my sister wouldn't call me out in the comments. Because yes, Rachel, I have had a few buffalo chicken wraps at your house, and yes they were delicious but I haven't watched Food Inc. lately nor re-read Skinny Bitch but I plan to and when I do, please stock up on tofu for me!

When it comes to dairy, I stay away from cows milk. I get my lattes made with almond milk and I don't eat cheddar cheese. I've tried, God trust me I've tried but I just can't seem to give up feta or goat cheese. I've tried vegan cheeses and I about vomed right then and there. Feta and goat, forever my kryptonite. And right now, I'm okay with that. I'm also okay with fish now and then. If I know where it came from and that it wasn't genetically modified. 

Another change I have made is nothing fried, absolutely no fast food and zero sodas. Water water water and more water.

So what do I eat exactly?

Vegetables. Tons of vegetables. Vegetables are my favorite food group, honest to God. There isn't a single vegetable you could put in front of me that I wouldn't eat. Onions, peppers, asparagus, zucchini, green beans, broccoli…I love it all. When it comes to fruit? I'm really not a huge fan. My favorite fruits are tomatoes and avocados (which I eat daily) and both those seem much more like a veggie anyway.

Beans. All kinds of beans. Quinoa. Grains. Lettuce. And all that other boring stuff people tell you they eat when they are on some kind of strict diet and all you can think is pizzaburgerstacoschocolate.

But it's the truth. It's what I eat. Because I can't eat pizza and burgers and tacos and chocolate on the regular and get to my goal of being thin and bikini-ready. I just can't. I haven't had one of my signature goat cheese veggie pizzas in months. (Besides that one time. That one time Rachel! And they were tiny!) 

I haven't had bread or bagels or pasta in weeks. 

I've been eating clean. And in some ways it sucks, because I want pizza and burgers and tacos and chocolate but I want to be hott (yes two t's!) this summer so much more!

So below…exactly what I have been eating:

1. A quick concoction I threw together. Quinoa, beans, sautéed veggies and an all organic natural peanut sauce. (I am very weary about sauces in general…most are high in all sorts of terrible things. I usually look for the words "all natural, organic and gluten free.")

2. Rockfish tacos. Edit/add to your liking/diet. Always add avocados!

3. Spaghetti squash tex mex. To die for! So. much. flavor. One of my favorites.

4. Mexican bean salad. With this, I add the bean salad to my usual batch of sautéed veggies (onions, peppers, green onions, tomatoes and mushrooms) and put it in a whole grain wrap (max wrap 120 cals) and add a little feta cheese and Sriracha sauce. SO GOOD!

1&2. Salads. Lots and lots of salads. I'm not lying either when I say I really enjoy salad. Would I be lying if I said I prefer salad over deep dish veggie pizza with everything? F*ck yes. But I can't be a skinny bitch with deep dish pizza so this is where we are.

What do I put on top of my organic mixed greens? Tomatoes, black beans, feta cheese and the most amazing salad toppings ever. I also always make my own salad dressing, because store bought salad dressing is drenched in the devil.

I just mix equal parts olive oil and balsamic vinegar with a spoonful of minced garlic. Beats ranch dressing anytime. And ok so that was totally a lie but ranch doesn't look good in a bikini.

And now here we are. I have been eating the way I described above for well over a couple months. I have been working out the way I described here for well over a couple months. And results I am seeing. 

The results are slow, they aren't immediate. But I am seeing progress and I know for a fact if I keep it up then I will be one of those skinny bitches I have always dreamed of being.

Hey. Dreams are different for every individual person.

I've never claimed to be some inspirational "doing it for the health!" guru and I won't pretend now.

I just want to be mother*cking hot.

And because every good health slash fitness post needs before photos…

here are mine:

Let me just say right away, I know I'm not fat. I'm not hating on my body as in "woe is me" I'm a horrible ogre. I have my good attributes and my bad.

My current problem areas are my stomach, my arms and my thighs. My best angle is from the side, as it hides my straight-on sore sights. I won't go into much detail about my strength training (you can read about that here) but I definitely up my weights and make my workout count.

Basically, I want all my exes to be jealous and my husband to be slack-jawed.

#truth