5.22.2015

Have Water, Will Boat


To me, boating is a way of life. Yes, it's a fun activity and yes it's something friends and family can share together, but really, it's a lifestyle. There is an unspoken code between boaters (the good ones! Not the a$$holes of course) that yep, life is good. And anyone can discover boating. 

I grew up on the water. My grandpa had a boat and every single weekend it seemed he was taking all the cousins out on the river. The inner tube wars we used to have - I don't even think they are legal these days! We would tie two or three together and proceed to get flung across the water - crashing into each other and sailing twenty feet high before we landed like thunder in the river. And then we asked to do it all over again. 

Side note: I'm 34 now. I asked my husband the other day to take me on an inner tube ride. Not even a fast, crazy one...just a nice leisurely stroll around the bay with maybe just a teeny tiny bit of excitement. Well that teeny tiny bit of excitement ended up with me having a headache for three days and four matching bruises to bat...the hell? When I was younger I could fly like a bird and land face-first on the water, come back up, hyperventilate because of all the water shoved down my nose and then shake it off and go another round. Now? HA. I'm out of commission for the next few months. Aging really does suck. End side note.

My husband also grew up boating and now our two boys are getting to experience the same joy and happiness that it brought us. It's a big ol' family affair these days and I wouldn't have it any other way. It's kind of like you transport to a different world when you're out on a boat. The calmness, the serenity, the peacefulness...

or if you're like me, the raging party with hundreds of people boat-hopping from one to the next, fireball shots and jumping off the bow of the boat and losing your bikini bottoms. Yeah, that sounds more like it. 

If you get a chance, get out this amazing Discover Boating website. It has everything you could ever want to know about boating, and you can go here to find the perfect boat for you. 

Also, right here is a pretty cool short film about a man's life on a boat. 

See you on the river! 

*This post is sponsored by Discover Boating 
but all content and opinions expressed are my own. 

5.12.2015

Good Men Are Only Sex Addicts To Their Wives

the face of a man who would never claim "sex addiction" ... to anyone but me of course.

As I was browsing my daily news site for enthralling inspiring uplifting and encouraging headlines (ha) I came across a story on Tiger Woods. Poor guy just recently got dumped by his girlfriend for none other than - wait for it - cheating on her with multiple women. 

Haven't we heard this story before? Oh yes, just a few years back when Tiger admitted cheating on his then-wife Elin with multiple and he means multiple women. He was sorry, he felt kinda bad, he probably wished his wife wouldn't have left him and I'm sure he would have preferred it if she didn't take half his millions but then he dropped the big bombshell...

It so wasn't his fault! He had an addiction people! A real live authentic but totally made up and laughable addiction that only the weak, feeble and flat pathetic people claim to have. He was a sex addict. Gasp! He couldn't help getting undressed and naked and flinging off lots of different women's panties and then it was all he could do to resist the charm and seduction of the female allurement until finally he gave in and let's be honest here probably had multiple orgasms because he just. couldn't. help. it. 

Let's not fail to mention that all these women he couldn't resist screwing were all considered "beautiful" in today's society. Hmm. I thought addiction didn't discriminate. Where all the ugly ones at Tiger? Oh, you weren't "addicted" to them, I see. 

Why bring this all up now? I mean, this is old news. Everyone knows by now that after Elin found out about Tiger's indiscretions (with only pretty people), she chased him down the road by foot and caused him to crash his Escalade into a tree and then proceeded to beat him with a golf club. (Also see; irony.) 

The reason I bring it up now is because of the aforemetioned news site I was reading and the new current story on there of Tiger cheating. Turns out, his and Lindsey's "hectic schedule" wasn't the reason for their demise. No, he had "relapsed" into his "addiction." His sex addiction. Because two gorgeous blonde girls aren't enough. 

But it was the comments on there from Tiger's "close friend" that had me going. Laughing in my chair like we were at a swingers convention. You have to believe me when I tell you what his "close friend" said. You have to believe me and know that I would never lie to you, and this is real, true journalism stuff with actual, accurate quotes. Ok you ready?

Tiger's "close friend" had this to say about the break-up scandal (and also referred to his recent elimination in the Farmer's Insurance Classic golf tournament in February):

"He had a relapse in the sex department. He withdrew from Farmer's. You have to understand, while it's not right, it's not really wrong either. Tiger isn't married. He doesn't really drink or do drugs. So what else does he have when he can't afford to lose again? He's allowed to find some relief. Most men would drink over such losses, Tiger has sex over it. Yes, Tiger cheated again. But it wasn't with anyone special. He really wanted Lindsey to be the one. But he blew it again. He can't help himself. He's got an addiction. He relapsed."

All together now...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. 

Good one. 

(Might I just add, that when the "close friend" mentions that Tiger "wasn't married" as if that has any relevance to cheating on your partner, he was married the first time it happened. So, what's your point again?)

Look. This isn't really news. That people claim to have sex addiction and that idiots actually fall for it and defend it is as old as the day is long. It's normal, it's asinine, it's socially acceptable. There are facilities set up all over the country for people to go and pay exorbitant amounts of money just to be "cured" of wanting multiple warm places to put it. 

It's flat ridiculous. And let's be REAL honest for a moment, shall we?

In reality, we could all claim "sex addiction." It's human nature. To want to be with someone in a physical way that we have a connection with and to feel all the warm and fuzzies is totally normal human tendencies. That isn't exclusive just to someone like Tiger Woods. No, that is what we all feel, it's how we are made. Every single one of us. 

The difference however? The difference is that for moral, respectable, decent and honorable people, cheating is a choice, one thousand percent a choice. It's a choice that anyone on this planet - your next door neighbor, the mailman, even Tiger Woods - makes voluntarily. We all have the same temptations, that newness and excitement of being with someone we just met is the same for everyone. And we could all very well fall prey to that temptation and cry but...but...sex addition!

But we don't. You know who does? The weak ones. The immoral ones. The untrustworthy ones. The dishonest ones. The conniving, sneaky, two-timing, trustless, gutless jackasses. Sex addiction is not a disease. It's an excuse - a pretty pathetic one at that - made up for guys just like Tiger Woods to use. 

Yeah, being married for ten years, sometimes it can get a little boring, a little rudimentary. Day to day things get in the way and that excitement and newness of those first few encounters with each other can seem far, far away. You have responsibilities and baseball practices to be at and kids to feed and bills to pay. You have meetings to catch and you have a lot of things that have to be done that aren't necessarily the definition of "fun." And that's the truth. 
But you know what else you have? You have respect. You have trust. You have security. You have a lifetime partner-in-crime who will always have your back no matter what because they have proven themselves to you that they are worthy. You have someone that drops everything and spends every second with you in the hospital when you are hurt. You can have your newness and so-called "excitement" with lots of new, exciting people.

I'll just be over here with a man who has never and would never betray me. A man who wouldn't think twice about laying his life down to save mine. A man who would stop at nothing to protect the safety of me and my children. A man who thinks I'm enough for him.

And that's pretty damn exciting to me. 

5.04.2015

Summer Bikini Plans

 


We all know what time it is...almost boating season. Summer. Hot weather. 90+ degrees. Short shorts time and bikini beginnings. 

BLAH BLAH. If you've been around this neck of the woods for a while, you know I put a lot of emphasis on physical appearance. Sorry not sorry, if you want someone to lie to you about "all that lies within" then go read their blogs. I've talked about my husband wanting a hot wife and why I think looks matter. Which doesn't mean I don't value and appreciate good intact character and moral values - no quite the contrary - but today...today we are talking about scrunch bottoms and Frederick's of Hollywood-esque sex appeal.

I was approached by a fellow mom at my kids' school about trying out a program geared towards weight loss. But not just weight loss -- weight loss in a healthy and manageable way. Weight loss in a way that fit with my lifestyle, sounded feasible and actually tasted good. Weight loss in a way that when I decided to stop using the program, I still kept the weight off. 

Enter Isagenix. If you haven't heard about this amazing program yet, well...you have now. And I could go on and on about the benefits and how easy it is to incorporate, but let's be honest...before and after photos are all anyone cares about. 

So. 

Here are mine.


Before and after: a 30 day transition. Obvs, it isn't my ideal of a Victoria's Secret cover model skeleton physique on the cover of a photoshopped Sports Illustrated magazine, but still...

...that's over thirteen pounds in one month. 

And the truth? I really don't even feel like I worked that hard. Truth be told, I didn't work out a lick. I never picked up a weight, turned on the treadmill nor participated in any marathon sex-fests. And as much as I truly believe moving more/eating less is the real answer to long-term weight loss, this program has propelled me into believing a quick start can definitely be the answer to a long-term goal.

The premise is simple: substitute two meals a day, for 30 days, with an honest to goodness shake. Tastes good, easy to make and really, who doesn't love chocolate milk?


The above regime was my program for 30 days. I chose the strawberry and chocolate shakes, both which were amazing. I kid you not, I lie to you none, I woke up every morning craving my shake. And after? I was good to go 'til lunch. I had no hunger pangs whatsoever. I was satisfied and good to go, and the chocolate IsaDelight Plus's were just the nail in the coffin.

Chocolate while on a diet? Sign me up!

And the program comes with so much more... as according to their website: "Isagenix stands out from the crowd. We take pride in the fact that we're not like other network marketing companies. We're not a flash-in-the-pan company run by a fly-by-night management team. We're committed to having the best compensation plan, affordable and effective products, systems that ensure retention, and inspire you to help bring out the best in others."

Sounds like a pretty good mission statement to me!

And they have other products as well, such as the Replenish Electrolytes drink to rehydrate and re-energize your body for performance, etc., and their amazing cleansing system, Cleanse For Life, that has basically rearranged my entire weight loss regime. 


Basically, and the bottom line is...

I went from 153 pounds to 140 pounds in one month. And it wasn't hard at all. In fact, the system made it super easy for me. And I don't know about you, but once I get the weight off, it's pretty easy to keep it off. 

And now I get to wear my (semi) skinny jeans...


Guys guess what...

I haven't been able to put on those jeans and button them up in two. years. And here we are, two years later, with two crazy boys and I'm able to wear my pre-baby jeans again.

If that isn't a testament to Isagenix and the results that can be had well then...

itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka dot...

and you know the rest! Click HERE and seriously get jump-started on your own weight-loss program today. My friend Erica can help you answer any questions! She is who turned me onto this program and is all knowing when it comes to everything Isagenix. You can email her at Erica.d.gale@gmail.com or her Facebook link is www.facebook.com/adengale. Check out her before and after photo below!


4.27.2015

I Don't Think I'm Better Than Anybody...Except For You, You and You.

my #selfie is so much better than yours

People in the drive thru lane whom once you get your food, still don't move forward until you unwrap your straw and stick it in your drink, pass around all your filthy children's individual fry orders and make sure your special order burger only has two pickles instead of three. See, no. Move already gosh dammit! The people behind you have somewhere to be! And we all need to be there half a minute faster than if you hadn't moved half a minute faster! Asshole.

People who rag on other people who order fast food every now and then. I'm sorry, did you hear me ask your opinion? No? Then please go on with your pretentious life and use that stick for something other than a pooper scooper.

Anti-cosmetic surgery people. You're just against it 'cause you can't afford it. Admit it. And yes, I have a fabulous boob job so that makes me so much better then you.

Gum smackers. I guess the first question I should ask is, do you have ears? Can you hear? And if so, are you just so inherently rude and inconsiderate that you feel the need to let everyone know within a quarter mile radius that you are chewing minty green? Because you look like a cow and even worse, you sound like what would happen if a horse and a donkey mated. In other words, you nasty and all us closed-mouthed chewers are so much better then you.

Litterbugs - the ones who leave their trash everywhere: I am a WARRIOR compared to you. And so is every other person who has a smidgen of respect and picks up their own garbage.

We like to boat, and just last weekend we saddled up to our favorite sandy beach spot and were aghast to discover that the beach was closed due to "unauthorized digging and waste disposal." We looked around and saw dozens upon dozens of beer cans scattered around, half buried plastic bags and dirty diapers. That's right, dirty diapers. Which means there are lazy, slothful piss-poor parents teaching their children to be lazy, slothful and piss-poor. Like the world needs any more of you people!

I know it isn't physically strenuous to toss an empty wrapper into a bag designated for trash, so what then is your reason for being a scum-sucking drain on humanity? Do you feel entitled to your douchebaggery? Do you think that someone else will just come along and clean up your mess? Or are you just a naive simpleton who honestly believes that your little contribution to breaking down the earth won't really make that big of a difference? (And in that case, you should probably be at home with someone feeding your your dinner with a spoon instead of out here socializing with us decent folk.)

You do not have the right to ruin it for the rest of us. No matter what your liberal mother told you.

Your Liberal Mother. Buh-bye.