Shit My Kid Says


+ as I am discussing our dog, Dude, with my 5 year old, and talking to him about how much Dude loves him and always wants to go where he goes:
me: how come you're the only one who can make Dude follow you around and do what you say?
Colt: well, he will follow anybody around if they have a treat for him.
me: le sigh. 'Tis true, Colt, and not only for male dogs, but for male humans as well.
Colt: what does that mean?
me: it means boobs.

me: I'm a homebody.
Gunner: what does that mean?
me: it means I would rather be at home most of the time rather than any place else.
Gunner: I'm a homebody too. I'm definitely not a schoolbody.

me: put your socks on.
Gunner: I don't want to wear socks.
me: put them on now, or your feet will stink when you wear shoes.
Gunner: I don't care if my feet stink.
me: well I do, because I have to smell them.
Gunner: well I have to smell your gross cooking all day --
me: you little shit, it's called vegetables! If you would just TRY them and not only eat carbs and sugar and oreos all day maybe you would grow up and work at NASA instead of McDonalds, which I'm sure you would love since then you would get free chicken nuggets every day.
Gunner: free chicken nuggets??

me: Colt, put your coat on.
Colt: I don't want to put my coat on.
me: I don't care what you want, put your coat on.
Colt: I don't want to put my coat on!
me: well I don't want to wake up every morning at the crack of the damn sun rising just to make sure I have enough time to argue and pick a fight with you over whether or not you wear ninja turtle underwear or where the one pair of socks are in the entire drawer that doesn't hurt your wittle feet or why your OMG favorite shirt you have worn non-stop for the last three weeks suddenly makes you super itchy the very second we walk out the door to school or why my entire life is now ruined because I decided to have children so PUT YOUR GODDAMN COAT ON NOW!!!

both my kids: you're mean.
me: Don't care.
kids: well you should, cause mean people suck.
me: what, did you read that on some lame tshirt or something?
kids: no you're just mean.
me: kids, make no mistake...I wear it like a badge of honor.

+two days later:
both my kids: you're mean.
me: ok I'll bite. Why am I mean?
kids: 'cause you won't let us have an Xbox or a tv in our room.
me: in that case kiddos, your dad is mean cause he won't buy me an island in the caribbean or replace this chinsy diamond with a GOLF BALL sizer.
one of my kids: but dad bought you a new car and let's you sleep all day and --
me: Go to your room! You're in timeout.

+pointing to my vodka bottle:
Gunner: mom what's that?
me: it's so I can survive the day.
Gunner: but what is it?
me: survival juice.
Gunner: but what does that mean?
me: it means stop asking so many damn questions.

Gunner: I love you mom.
me: I love you too. More than anything in this entire world.
Gunner: Colt!! Mom loves me more than you!

I give up.

Read more Shit My Kid Says HERE.


  1. Gunner: Colt!! Mom loves me more than you!

    Ha! That lay one slayed me.

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  2. too funny! sounds like a day in my house!! xox

  3. Wonderful.

    I've gotten old...I don't get why kids (even I in my younger years) don't want to wear coats. I CANNOT WAIT for it to be socially acceptable to be snuggled up in my down jacket. I've nearly offered the older ones at the bus stop a sweater...

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  8. AnonymousJune 27, 2022

    in that case kiddos, your dad is mean cause he won't buy me an island in the caribbean or replace this chinsy diamond with a GOLF BALL sizer.
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