An Anti-Blogger Anniversary Post

8.31.2016


My husband and I celebrated our twelve year anniversary this past weekend. That's twelve years, to one person, no deaths. Pat on my back if I do say so myself. 

Look. I love my husband. He's great! He works hard for my money, lets me know when I'm gaining too much weight (accountability) and responds well to my threats. He only questions my spending habits once a month (when the credit card bill comes) and he loves our kids almost as much as he loves me. He's really fun to party with in Las Vegas and this one time, in the Dominican Republic, we almost died together as a result of a really poor choice. (You know the ones, the ones that seem like so much fun in the moment...until they're not.) We've had some really exciting times.

He's there for me, he provides for me, he protects me. Really, he's great. And twelve years is something to celebrate but let me tell you what. I am so sick and tired of seeing all those sappy anniversary posts proclaiming ridiculous nonsense.  They all sound the same, they are all contrite as hell and it's just one glaring shade of vanilla pudding.

They all go a little like this:

On this day, nine years ago, I married my very best friend. I can't believe how much we've grown together and you make my life better every second of every day. The day I married you was the best day ever and I look forward to many, many more years of happily married bliss.

Gag
me
with
a
spoon.

Or really, any other kitchen utensil you have sitting around because, no. Just...no.

Girl, you know he ain't your best friend. He may be your best husband (at least I hope he is) but best friend? Come on. Let's get real. A real best friend is someone you can go to when you want to complain and bitch about your husband. A real best friend will cry with you and actually listen to you and then after she's done wiping your tears, will help you think of a way to seamlessly dispose of said husband without any trace being led back to you. Husbands can't help you with that, but best friends can. 

I'm kinda sorta pretty much kidding, but my point still remains the same. 

I mean, I got my husband and I matching Toms and he wouldn't even wear them with me. A real best friend would wear those and matching beanies. 

And I don't remember my husband being there for me when I watched my littlest one go off into the big bad world they call school. His little legs walked onto the bus and his little hand waved at me goodbye...I felt like my world was ending. I cried big fat tears and needed someone, anyone to talk to. Who came through in my time of need? That's right, my best friend. Not my husband. Sure, I wouldn't have the amazing kids I do if it weren't for him, and sure, maybe the reason he couldn't be there to hold my hand was because he was working to provide a living for us, but once again, my point still remains the same. 

And best day ever? Ever? Come on. I admit, the day I got married was pretty groovy. We had fun with our friends and family and got a little too tipsy on tequila shots and yeah, I look back on it fondly. But best day ever? Shoot, I do that Monday through Sunday. Now if we're talkin' about a real best day ever, that would probably be the day I realized it was socially acceptable to only text everything. Or when you get a free Kylie lip kit in the mail. Or when Taylor Swift got taken down. 

I think if we're being honest here, we can all admit that your razzle-dazzle wedding doesn't even begin to compare to that time Taylor got owned. (And Tay girl, if you're reading this, do something about that hair, k? Every time I see a picture of you I get into a bad mood.)

Again, I think weddings are great (actually I lied) and anniversaries are cool too. But let's not get carried away. You don't have to copy and paste whatever Bethany wrote on her Facebook wall the day before and what Marcy will write on her Facebook wall tomorrow when it's her anniversary. Be original, a little more honest.

Try something like:

Dearest Rob, today we celebrate twelve long...long long long long years of marriage. We've been through a lot, you and I...me more so than you...but hey, I'm still here, ain't I! I can't say we make each other's lives better exactly, but we're really good drinking partners and that has to count for something, yes? The day I married you was the best day ever I got really drunk. I look forward to many more happy years of wedded bliss getting drunk with you this Friday. Love you! Mean it!

Butterflies and rainbows, people, butterflies and rainbows.

(ps, I'm working on getting the green hyperlinks and 
all the ads off my posts/photos. They are driving me nuts.)

16 comments:

  1. Best post ever.. I kinda gag when people say their husband is their best friend too.. I mean we're in love and all but my home girl who wears matching toms, bows, jackets, shirts and nail polish is my best friend. Because I'm certainly not telling my boyfriend/future one day husband about my period and shit.

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  2. I love this post! Good Lord......I thought I was the only woman who got sick of hearing how everyone married their best friend and how perfect their lives are.....bullshit! We think so much alike, Raven! You hit it right on the head!

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  3. Best REAL anniversary post evah!!!

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  4. ha! nice one! and I love the performance he gave you on snapchat! =)

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  5. Hahahaha! Raven, you know I always love reading your posts. I feel bad because I have to say...my hubby is my best friend. 😁 I hope it doesn't ever change between us, but after 7 yrs of marriage we are closer than ever and he's always there for me. Even when I dropped my son off at the bus stop on his first day of school. Don't get me wrong, we have our bickering and bad moments, but overall, i couldn't be happier.

    Happy anniversary!!😊

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  6. #TRUTH
    Thanks for the real post and laugh this morning!

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  7. i don't think you know what contrite means.

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  8. Happy Anniversary of one of the most okayest days of your life :)

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  9. Maybe, for some people it is what they say it is- just as your marriage is what you say it is. Just because you talk about the realness of your husband not being the one who you turn to as a best friend- because he is at work or for other reasons that are unique to your marriage- does not mean that someone else's husband isn't the one that they turn to. Or maybe they turn to each other. I think marriage is very subjective. It is not the same for any two couples. I am not knocking your opinion of the other types of anniversary posts, but if you want to be really 'real' you should be more open- that your view, just because it is not vanilla, is not the only view. And if you don't like it when people judge what you say (which I know bothers you a bit since you often post about how much it doesn't bother you) you should lay off of other people for being 'contrite'(you should look up the definition) a little.

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  10. A very good sms! The same is for us guys, too. I am enjoying it because of these so romantic. Actually, I am looking for Wedding Quotes. Do you have?

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