Ok so here's the deal. I'm only four, obviously not old enough to get in a car and drive away forever from this madness that is my life, (but apparently old enough to know what a hangover is, side eye mom) however, I do have a few years of wisdom under my belt. I know my mom has come here a few times with her "I confess sesh" malarky, but now it's my turn. And I have a few confessions I would like to get off my back.
Forgive me father for I have sinned*.
I confess: I'm having major mommy issues. These days, I can't even recognize her. I go to bed with a blonde haired mommy and wake up to a black haired one. That shit is scary for a tyke my age! Bangs, no bangs, Snooki tan one day and Casper the next? Wtf mom? Can we say identity crisis? For the love...
I confess: Mommy tries to trick me into eating healthy by mixing spinach into my pusghetti. Who does she think I am anyway? I'm a little smarter then that, lady. How about I "trick" you into putting lemonade in your drink instead of vodka? See how well that works?
I confess: Listen up fellow four year olds, this one's for you: never, ever, under any circumstances, admit fault. If you have a dog? Blame the dog. A younger brother? Better yet. Even if she saw you? Blame it on the invisible friend you have been forced to create as a result of mommy's extreme insanity. Trust me, if your mommy is anything like mine? She'll give you a kiss and smile at your imaginary friend on the way out.
I confess: Skittles are not m&m's. I repeat, skittles are not m&m's!
I confess: I'm really a bleeding heart liberal. I mean, free toys? Sign a half-pint up! But please, please don't tell my mommy. I'm scared that she will erase all my tivoed South Park episodes to make more room for Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew. You know how them republicans can be greedy selfish &#$^@%*#.
I confess: I honestly think that Dr. Phil is my real dad.
*and by sinned, I mean I ate one too many double
stuff oreos and throwed up in my bed. Twice.
One more quick I confess: Mommy had to clean it all up. Twice! lol!