Sometimes Marriage Sucks

2.26.2013

from our wedding in 2004

I've made no secret of the fact that Rob and I do not have the perfect marriage. We try hard to regularly see our counselor, whom, by the way, has made a world of difference in our relationship. To anyone who scoffs at seeing a third party to help a marriage, well, let's just say it works, from personal experience.

There are a lot of things about Rob that really chap my ass. And as much as I want to rattle them off to you now, bullet point style, I hear the words our counselor always says echoing in my ears. See, there have been many times where we started a session raging mad, and as soon as we sat down, I would start right in on "well this is why I hate him today and he did this and this and I am just so mad right now so please just let me vent" and every time, she would cut me off and make me tell her three things I love about Rob. Three things that made me want to marry him. Three things that make him a valuable partner. Three reasons he is a fabulous father. 

And it pisses. me. off. I want to tell her all the bad things he did that week. I want to tell her how horrible he is because of x y and z. But she doesn't let me just sit there and bitch about my husband. Her job is to help us come together, help us create a better relationship, and she knows that by me spewing negativity, it helps nothing. By me criticizing his every move, it doesn't rectify any situation. So as much as I want to tell you all what angers me about Rob (like the fact that he can be totally inappropriate in public at times, or how he wakes me up in the middle of night just because he can't sleep, or that he never comments on my appearance i.e. when I leave home with black hair and come back with it blonde, he doesn't say a word, I mean, really?) I will hold my tongue and keep it to myself. (He also deletes my shows from the DVR without asking me first. Makes me livid. K I'm done now.)

But the thing is, I'm sure there are a lot of things about me that piss Rob off. I can sometimes have a princess complex and expect him to bow at my feet no matter what I do, and as Dr. Phil once said, "if there is one thing in this world you do not want to do, it is to marry a 'princess'. They will f*ck you up."

Ok, so maybe he didn't say that last part but Rob sure did.

I know sometimes on here it can seem like Rob and I have the perfect marriage. We vacation together, hang out on secluded beaches during the summer together, have fun parenting our children together, but would it surprise you if I said I have actually went and paid for divorce papers? I'm not sure if I was authentically going to follow through or if I was trying to make a point (did you know it costs over $100 to get divorce papers from the courthouse? Egads!) but whatever the reason, something made me drive down there and request the papers. I can say without any hesitation today that I am so happy to be married to my husband, we did work through that particular situation and I can't forsee any circumstances in the future that would make me want to fork over the cash for those papers ever again. And lucky for me, my husband would say the same.

Besides, it would be much cheaper for him to keep me around than to boot me out, wink face.

But we fight. There have been dishes thrown across the room and holes in the wall. I've packed up my kids and driven to my moms house at 9 at night. There have been many things we've said that we wish we could take back. Our marriage is not perfect and I challenge you to find one that is.

What I'm really trying to say is what I think we all know: Marriage is hard. But if you work through the hard, and if you put your spouse first, and if you duck under those dishes being flown at your head, you may see yourself celebrating fifty years of holy matrimony.

However, I swear to God, if Rob ever deletes another episode of the Real Housewives of Wherever without my permission, I'll be all, "what golf clubs??"

Wasn't me.


92 comments:

  1. Long term relationships are hard, at times I have similar negative feelings about my boyfriend (8 years). I try to focus on positives and try not to dwell on negatives, although I still find myself [on occasion] wanting to punch his face in. Deleting Housewives would definitely qualify as one of those occasions. At the end of the day I wouldn't want anyone else!

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  2. hahah "what golf clubs?"! SO good!
    it's amazing how honest you are! x

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  3. I love this post! Thank you so much for being so real and so honest. I really appreciate knowing that I am not alone in knowing that I love my husband but sometimes really can't stand him! It is so refreshing to read your blog.

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  4. love how honest you are, I was starting to get a bit tired of reading blog after blog about how perfect their marriages are. I just want to yell doesn't he do something to annoy you??!?!?

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  5. Thanks Raven, you may be saving some other marriages by writing so bravely, so honestly. Respect. Now I feel much better than my husband never notices things. I have always joked that I could come home with bright pink hair and he wouldn't notice. Funny you used such a similar example.

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  6. Couldn't have said it any better myself =) Of course I know that not everyone has a perfect marriage, but it's def nice to know that there are others that deal with the same "stupid shit" from time to time! Great post!!!

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  7. I am up at 5:19 in the a.m. because Chris woke me up because he couldn't sleep. I AM LIVID. He's enroute to a ski trip now, and I enroute to hell. I am seriously so pissed right now.

    PISSED. you don't have to respond to this comment it's cool.

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  8. Me and my husband just got through a really tough patch and this post really hit home for me. It's defiantly hard at times and its always a challenge. But we are both determined to make it to that 50 year mark. :)

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  9. Even though I have yet to find me a man 'for keeps,' I love this. I love how you both can find a balance...and I love how hilarious you are at storytelling! :)

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  10. That's the one thing that people forget when they're "madly in love".... Marriage takes work. After 7 years, husband and I are finally in a good place where we both feel secure, I'm his #2 and he's my #2... God is our #1. Once we learned to put God in the true centre of our marriage, our relationship started a drastic change. It's been a wonderful journey.

    And, am I the only one who likes to be woken up by her husband when he can't sleep? I can't say I enjoy it, but I like that he's lonely and wants me to be awake with him. And it only happens, maybe once a year... I'm sure if it happened more often, I'd buy him a journal and tell him to share his loneliness with that.

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  11. Raven you are so wonderful posting about REAL life not the PERFECT life. LIfe and Marriage are hard and no ones is perfect.....

    http://footballbeachmom.blogspot.com/

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  12. I rarely comment on your posts (although I am a daily reader), but this particular post really hit home with me. I am so sick and tired of reading about how awesome everyone's marriage is and how wonderful their husbands are, etc. etc. etc. Most of these "awesome, perfect" marriages are under 5 years old and do not have kids involved. Obvioulsy no one wants to share the hard times publicly, so thank you. Marriage is HARD. Marriage with KIDS is HARDER. Kudos to you for seeking out counseling and making it work. It's actually a breath of fresh air to read something I can relate too.

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  13. This is perfect Raven. Anyone who thinks marriage is easy hasn't had a good marriage. I think you need the fights to grow and learn from one another. I go to therapy weekly to assure that I am in the condition to be a good partner. Marriage is the only relationship you choose and know you want to be in forever, and when its good, its more than worth all the fights and work that it takes.

    Oh yeah, and I have a white hole in our tan colored walls that I have refused to fix to act as a reminder to him (and me) that dishes fly far when your extra pissed. And it doesnt have to be 'that time of the month' for me to get pissed! Its fun to see him try and explain the hole when people come over.... ;)

    but omg, i would kill my Michael if he deleted any of my DVR'd shows. Good think hes too busy to focus on TV for more than the news!!

    shelley

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  14. hahaha you're awesome. It's sometimes tough to remember that you blog gals are real people too, with selective sharing you can control what parts of your lives we can see, it's really freakin' nice to read a post like this. It makes the lunatic in me not feel so bad :) Have an awesome day

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  15. LOVE ALL OF THIS. i'm just a firm believer that the person that you're with is the person that can put up with your bullshit. and like maybe you're also attracted to them. but i'm with you on that deletion of housewives crap. that's grounds for dismissal.

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  16. I hear you. Carl and I love hard and we fight hard. There have been holes in the wall, smashed dishes, bruised ego's, etc. I think people who don't fight sometimes and just...like each other 24/7 are weird. They freak me out. Regardless, Carl and I work because we've seen each other at our absolute worst. But I would totally lose my shit about the DVR too.

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  17. oh if only i HAD dvr! so honest, love you so much miss! Rob & Raven 4evA

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  18. Love, love love this honesty. Marriage IS hard, and people go into it way too casually. Tell 'em how it is!

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  19. So many bloggers just paint the perfect picture on the blogosphere & it's refreshing to read something real. It's nice to know I'm not on an island all alone with my imperfect marriage & I'm not the only one that finds it hard as hell to make it work. The truth is you just cannot be in love every single day even though you do love that person every day.

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  20. Thank you for writing this - I needed it and can totally relate! Marriage is hard and I wish people were more honest about it.

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  21. Love this!!! Your blog is SO real & I love it!

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  23. Thank you. Sometimes it really feels like it's just me and my boyfriend who want to throw each other through plate glass windows. I know that is not the case but no one ever likes to be honest about those times.

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  24. Love your honesty in this post. Marriage is hard work, but it is also the most rewarding!

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  25. Oh my god, you kill me!

    This is so very true and, well, hilarious! Marriage requires work (and the ability to hide the weapon). LOVE this post.

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  26. Dishes flying across the room? Things being deleted off DVR? That's it!! I am never getting married ;)

    Love how real you are in your blog! Thanks! :)

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  27. Girl, this blog post is great. So true!!!!!! I threw a suitcase across the room at my husband and it felt so good. HA!!! No marriage is perfect and when peeps say they have a perfect marriage....big fat LIE!!! Let's be honest, we all want to kill our husband at one time or another. And for deleting Housewives...yes, grounds for divorce!! HA!!!

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  28. I love your honesty and raw writing. But I really wish you didn't normalize domestic violence in this post. I doubt that is a real problem for you and Rob, you both don't strike me as the type. But for a lot of women, it's a reality. When you're looking for the strength to leave, it's really hard to read about getting booted around and just feel like it's normal.

    Marriage is hard, but abuse should not be tolerated. You are an empowered and in charge lady and I can't imagine you putting up with shit like that. When you write about it like it's fine you stop being strong and start giving into some of the problems with our culture.

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  29. LOL. What Golf Clubs? CLASSIC :)

    Love this!

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  30. I love this. 100% true. I love how candid you are!!

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  31. I think any married person would agree with you. My husband really grinds my gears sometimes, and if we didn't have our third party listener, which happens to be our pastor, we wouldn't be where we are today. Love your honesty, girl!

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  32. I really enjoyed reading this. Its great that you're so open with your problems because I think everyone can learn something from another person's mistakes. Hanna

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  33. Bwahaha "what golf clubs?" This post is perfect! What marriage is perfect? I hate those sappy movies or Lifetime shows (which I'm not allowed to watch anymore) because they portray relationships in a false light, or I get so wrapped up in them I think that's what it's suppose to be like 24/7. Hubs and I are seeing the silver lining to the most recent trials to our marriage and I am ever so thankful that I didn't throw in the towel when I so wanted to. Again, GOOD POST!

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  34. I am completely with you on all of this!!! I too, have put in a call and made an appt with a lawyer...but we're still married :) One of the things I try to remember, is that marriage is a choice. Every. Single. Day. Both of you choose to be with the other, so your daily actions have to reflect that choice, whether you're happy with them that day or not.

    And the DVR? HOLY SHIT, I see red whenever I find out one of my CSI or Top Chef episodes are missing!!! Then I usually go into a raging mad fit and erase all of his shows, or throw a red shirt in his laundry whites. Passive aggressive much? hahaha

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  35. This is great! I just found your blog this morning through Mama Laughlin and am so happy that I stumbled upon it. First, I was mid writing a post about how my Dad is my real life Dr Phil and am glad I found someone else who loves him! Second, I love how open you are about your relationship. I love my boyfriend but does he drive me crazy. Sometimes I feel crazy for having these issues, but I am glad that someone else does. I am a total fool for any of the real housewives, can't help myself.
    Thanks for being real and keep it up!

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  36. Did you just describe my marriage?! Seriously, though, I get sick of people acting like marriage is all unicorns and rainbows. It is HARD work and sometimes it sucks. As I like to say it is peaks and valleys. We have had some tough times but the good ones always make it worth it. :)

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  37. Seriously thank you. Bloggers do say that marriage is hard but most won't admit that they've thrown shit or put holes in walls. This post made me feel better about the spats that I've gone through in my relationship. Thanks doll!

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  38. Raven, thanks for keeping it real girl! There have been so many times I've wondered how all these people have these "perfect marriages" on their blogs... and then feel like maybe there's something wrong with me and my marriage that its not all rainbows and unicorns shitting hearts. At the end of the day, if you can find someone that can stay with you thru the good times and the bad ones, then you've got a keeper. And it definitely sounds like you've got that. Oh and hubby and i each have our OWN dvr's. LOL

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  39. I just want to tell you how much I appreciate your honesty ALL OF THE TIME. There are times that I don't want to be near my husband, that I think if he leaves one more piece of garbage on the kitchen coutner instead of in the garbage can that I just may move out. Marriage is tough, and it's so hard to be around that person constantly sometimes. Thanks again for making me not feel like a total fuck up! Now where's the vodka, that is a little too much emotion for first thing in the morning.

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  40. You mean I should keep on truckin' in my marriage even when the sound of his chewing makes me shudder and i pray for a moment when i can be home alone? Okay, I'll take your word for it.... but i'm keeping that info about the divorce papers in my back pocket just in case... :)

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  41. Well said sistah! J and I have struggled with PTSD and military life, but at the end of the day, with him is where I want to be! We've had holes too. Lol!

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  42. I need to find a different time to catch up on my blogs, aka yours, than at work. I laugh my ass off and everyone wonders what I'm doing/not doing.

    This was amazing, and while I'm not married, but have been dating my boy for quite some time, I definitely know where you're coming from. It takes a lot of work and sometimes they just need to know we have to vent, we get pissed off, and to never delete our shows!

    Love ya!

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  43. Marriage is interesting to say the least. I'll never forget what my grandmother told me recently (my grandparents have been married for 53 years). She told me that she never once thought of divorce, but she's thought about murder more than once. Haha.

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  44. Good post I fully believe in counselors they are what helped me figure out alot of shit in my life.. Finally got rid of the bad aka.. the fiance. .and now I'm as free as a bird..

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  45. Ravy Baby, This is why I read you, and this is why I love you. I'm so happy you put this out there, because on the internet, it's so easy to make yourself be something you aren't..I'm looking at you Manti Te'o...and make it seem like oh life is wonderful, oh life is perfect. Newsflash. It's fucking not. Peace, Love, and Teresa Guidice's Bubbies.

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  46. I'm glad that you're keeping it real & posting this. Sometimes you see only good things (like you said, photos, vacations, etc) & think oh yay another perfect couple. It's good to know that everyone struggles & I do think that's good advice to stop the hating & start listing three things you love... totally not sure I could do that in the heat of the moment. That will take some work.

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  47. This post makes me happy. not because you have fights with your husband (every relationship has fights), but because in this blog world it's easy and more readable when people only post the happy stuff, the romantic stuff, the "how amazzzzzzzing is my husband/boyfriend/fiance!" stuff. and when they do that it's hard to not compare yourself to that couple and then you look at your own relationship and compare it to theirs. I get why people don't want to expose the hardships, but i think people need to be a bit more open about some of the imperfections. because those imperfections are what makes everyone real!
    i love coming by every day and reading your blog. you make me laugh!!
    xoxo

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  48. I am not a blogger but I have been following you for awhile. I just want to say, I love you more for this post than any other. I have been married almost 2 years, and you are right, it is hard. Thank you Thank you!!!
    Your husband is truly blessed:)
    Jenna

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  49. Thank you for your honesty! It is tough, but so worth it!

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  50. So true! And we have the DVR deleting battle ALL. THE. TIME. At least it goes both ways in our house. You delete a Project Runway, I delete a Colbert Report or some random god-awful football histroy program. The joys of marriage!

    Jill
    Classy with a Kick

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  51. I just love your honesty! Marriage is hard!!!!!! Anyone who tells you different is straight lying to your face! Getting thru the low times only make the high times that much higher!

    Kristen from www.kaymaboutique.com

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  52. A REMINDER I NEED CONSTANTLY!! Thanks for this post!

    Andrea

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  53. This is great, Raven. I have to say that the "Facebook marriage/blog marriage" full of butterflies and sparkles is completely and totally false. I love my husband to no end, but he annoys the piss out of me. Glad to hear that we're the norm and not the exception.

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  54. I totally agree! Marriage can downright suck! I've always thought about people who say they never fight and I call bullshiz! There is something seriously wrong with you if you don't fight with your spouse, you cannot expect to put two people with different personalities and upbringing together and think its going to be a smooth ride! I constantly tell my mom in my vent sesh "If men are from mars, and women are from venus... why the hell did God think we are a good match?" After much deliberation and divorce threats, you can disagree like children but resolve like adults and things will be alright.

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  55. I think every single married person reading this post would be lying if they didnt relate, because I SURE DO!

    My husband and I have been in counseling for over a year now. We were going twice a month but have finally made it down to once a month. With out the help of the counselor we wouldnt be where we are today. People who say its a waste of time are the ones who need the help most. Learning how to communicate should be a course every married person should be required to take.

    Its encouraging to be reminded that others struggle in marriage. I love so many things about my husband but the honest to goodness truth is that he pushes my buttons so well its hard to love him sometimes.

    Thanks for being so honest.

    You can read me at Once Upon The Hill.

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  56. Girl you are such an honest mess and I love it. I am going on year 9 of marriage and it truly is a full time job. The minute you forget that... Something will happen to remind you. Keep on keepin' it real! Xo

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  57. You are so honest and I am loving this!! Marriage IS hard!! You are right - There are times where I want to list the bad with Ryan and sometimes I do and sometimes I don't because I think twice. I can't say I have never got in my car in a madness to just drive and to say I left.

    I get this post :)

    I am over here at www.footballandglitter.blogspot.com

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  58. Yes!! Exactly why I love you Raven!! We love a lot in our home, but can fight just as hard. People who say "we never disagree/fight" Wtf?? Do you even interact then? Lol! All i know is Ill take "the bad" cuz the good stuff is worth it. Love you lover!!

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  59. We are getting ready to celebrate our 26th anniversary this year. My husband, like yours, Rave, is 12 years older than me. But I am so much more mature... :)
    And he was married 8 years, then divorced 8 more years before we got married.

    Yes, there have been times over the years that I thought I'd just walk out and not look back - but then there's my son - who worships his Dad - and he is a great Dad!

    I'm so glad I hung in there - it's all good!

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  60. I love everything about this post! I've been married almost two years so I am far far far away from being an "expert" on what makes a marriage work. However, coming from parents who never fought or argued or threw dishes and later who divorced after 18 years of a seemingly "perfect, happy" marriage, I've come to realize that sometimes you do just have to yell. Not all the time....but admitting that marriage is work and then being willing to do that work, weather it be counseling or whatever, is so refreshing because so many people only mention the rainbows and butterflies of marriage. Thanks for being real.

    Also, the DVR thing is sooooo not okay. My husband does it to....claiming that I don't need to record every episode of Kourtney and Kim take Miami when it reruns all the time on E!. He just doesn't get it.

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  61. First time reader, so I sure stumbled in on a dramatic post! This makes me like you already. I like the honesty :) My husband and I got into a fight on the way to the gym once and he said why don't you just go walk home!?! It was 6 miles. You'd better believe I walked stomping the whole way!

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  62. I love that you keep it real. I don't think there is anything wrong with involving a 3rd party when necessary, it sounds like your counselor is great!!

    I def can relate to saying things I regret to my husband, it is what I have been working on because while I can be forgiven I know my words hurt!! :(

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  63. SO, so true. I appreciate your honesty.

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  64. Holy A Wall, that was some good sh*# right thur!
    Cortne
    cocoinmagnolia.com

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  65. So it sounds like we have the key to a happy marriage by 1) not havin channels to watch Real Housewives and 2) not having DVR. ;) "Rainbows and unicorns," Ravie. See you Friday.

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  66. I've only been married for 1.5 years and I can relate to this. Marriage definitely can be hard at times. But, I love my husband so much and am so grateful for him.

    Those last two lines: "However, I swear to God, if Rob ever deletes another episode of the Real Housewives of Wherever without my permission, I'll be all, "what golf clubs??" Wasn't me." <<< HILARIOUS!!! Hahahahahaha! Love your honesty. Thanks for sharing.

    http://thepinteresthousewife.blogspot.com/

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  67. Thank you so much for this post. It is a great reminder and it could not come at a better time. I just blogged about comparing myself (marriage and all) to other couples who seem so happy and perfect all the time and this post really makes me feel better. Thank you!

    Signed,
    one of your (maybe?) three liberal readers ;)

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  68. Thank you also for this post. Love your honesty. Refreshing after reading other peoples blogs that you know are full of shit. I have been married since. I was 19 years old and been married for 11 years. Two kids. Marriage is hard work. You really don't know each other until like 5 years in and even then you are still learning. Its not all rainbows. and lollipops and the sooner you realize that the better.

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  69. This post is exactly why I read your blog every single day. YES YES YES! I have been married for 18 years this year (yes we were infants when we got married) and we have 5 kids. I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I have plotted my husband's death many many times (in my head...so far). Marriage is work. So many people think it's supposed to be easy and that makes me laugh. My grandmother always said "Nothing worth having or keeping is easy. Period." I agree with her. And we have that same DVR battle in my house. Everytime I find a show "missing" from the DVR, I cancel a basketball game recording that he has set up. Ha! It's the little things.

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  70. bahahahahahahaha

    "what golf clubs?"

    classic

    (also, thank YOU for posting this. because my marriage is the same. and sometimes justin thinks we are the only damn married people who fight. or have made holes in the wall. or threatened divorce... thank god for alcohol)

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  71. Love the honesty in this post. I've only been married 1.5 years and we don't have children yet - but marriage is not easy! It is so rewarding and I wouldn't change that decision ever, but there are always challenges. Thanks for this post!

    Sheree
    The Hartungs Blog
    thehartungs.blogspot.ca

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  72. Goodness I really needed to read this. I just got in a huge fight with Hubby last night. Thank you for sharing this.

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  73. this post is exactly what I needed to see. Not that anything is going on with me right now BUT there have been times in the past that I seriously question if all the hard work is worth it. And this is a little reminder that of course it is.
    so thanks :)

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  74. Girl Locked that DVR down with a password protect that shit! Yes I know from experience Im married to a deleter so I deleted his VictoriaSecret runway show or his stupid RFDTV farm shit...so what now...lol
    I believe this is a great post and is so true

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  75. Seriously, golf clubs are THE THING to throw out! haha loved this post and how honest you are and how alost every marriage is like this! amen!

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  76. Haha I could totally see you selling his golf clubs and buying the whole season set of Real Housewives to prove a point. Honestly, my marriage is pretty damn perfect BUT it's kind of hard to get mad at him when I'm just thankful he's alive after a deployment. Definitely gives you a better perspective on marriage! However, if and when we have kids...I think I will throw quite a few plates at him.

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  77. Love your honest account of marriage and relationships! Is good to see someone say how it is and how you can work through things. Thanks you! :)

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  78. I love you!! HAHA! THANK YOU, for KEEPING IT REAL!!!! I wish you would rub off on some other bloggers who protray perfection in their relationships! SO ANNOYING! I absolutely love, your whit, sarcasm, sense of humor, etc.! Thank you for sharing!! =)

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  79. AMEN!!!! I find myself wanting to congratulate couples on their anniversary for surviving another year of marriage!! Marriage is NOT for the weak!! You trudge through muddy waters many times throughout the years! Each and every couple has to find the endurance to stick it out if they want to have a marriage that lasts 50+ years! Endurance and commitment are the only ways!

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  80. I love you I love you I love you. So honest and I love to finally hear someone say marriage isn't all rainbows and butterflies. CJ and I have been together almost 8 years and damn we fight hard sometimes. I'm stubborn and suuuuper defensive, not to mention the mix of my anxiety with my german rage can get ugly. HE is always on the offense and 'always right' and he is less sensitive then a freaking rock. I feel the same you do, I want to rant and rave about every little thing sometimes... But to what benefit? None. Ok thats a lie, I always feel better. But I learned I am probably poisioning my friends minds against him for some stupid shit he doesn't deserve to have me blabbing about... SO I am learningggg to keep my trap shut most of the time. We did premarital counseling back in September and it helped.. But it's constant effort to remember to respect that we are wired differently .. Blah. One thing that helps a lot is the whole love language thing... The way I feel loved is totally different from how he feels loved so we have to constantly remind ourselves and each other to dole out the love each other needs.

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    1. I have a rough time not complaining to my friends about my husband. I mean, you do have to get that out, right? So I tell them, "Please understand I just have to vent this, but I still love him..." It is SO MUCH WORK, and I think we are programmed to believe that if we have to work hard on a relationship it must not be right. Sometimes it's not...but I think we know, deep down, when enough is enough. If there is still something that holds you together and helps you keep improving yourself, then you're probably where you should be (or at least you're okay to be there!)

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  81. About noticing the change in hair... A-fucking-men!!!!!!

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  83. Thank you for posting this. My marriage has been anything but easy, and he is dead set against counseling because he's afraid everything is going to be blamed on him (past experience with first wife), but reading about how you guys stick out your tough times really helps me realize that marriage just isn't a continual walk in the garden...and you can have not just bumps in the road, but huge ass mountains in the way of your progress together. People always awww over the couple who has been married for 70 years, but they never note how a lot of it was spent yelling, apart, or contemplating running off. HEHEHE. But then sometimes I look at my husband and I am really glad that we've worked through it. I guess that's why they often say it's worth it. :)

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  84. I dont agree with you that marriage sucks..
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