An Open Letter To My Mom. Love, Gunner.

9.10.2013


Mommy dearest.

I hate to tell you, but I am not your little boy anymore. In fact, just yesterday I got out of bed and made myself bacon in the toaster. I know you don't like to be woken up before 11 so I took matters into my own hands. If that doesn't scream "I'm a grow-up now," I don't know what does! (ps. sorry that the fire truck woke you up prematurely. I'm not too familiar with outlets.)

  Oh, and by the way, I have officially decided to change my name to Gunner MacGyver Optimus Spongebob MileyGaGa Smith, but you can just call me Tinkerbell for short. "Tink" for short short.

I'm a very precocious child. I love learning and bugs and chicken nuggets and licking all your makeup brushes and lots of creepy crawlers, so when you said "hey Gunner, want to watch a movie about spiders?" I excitedly responded with "yes!" thinking we were in for some super awesome version of Charlotte's Web. Except what proceeded to happen was you put on that super scary "Arachnophobia" movie, and now I have nightmares, every single night, that Obama is my real daddy and he makes me give my toys away to the brat next door, who does nothing but sit on his ass all day and wait for the ice cream truck, and yes I realize this nightmare has nothing to do with spiders and more to do with snakes, but still. Scary is scary and that sh*t is scary!

I know mom that you want me to be what you call "fashion forward." I'm sorry for the big fight we got into on my first day of school, when you wanted me to wear those off-pink jeggings and I kicked and screamed and in the process accidentally deleted some of your iphone apps.

 I understand your frustration that maybe some of the other mommy bloggers won't think you are as cool as them but for the love of all things double stuffed (like oreos and when that one girl at my school comes looking extra "lady lumptious"), what the f*ck are you trying to do to me? And the hell with that fedora? I'm five years old mom, let me wear disney characters and mud flap girl tshirts.

Last but not least, next time you think it's "convenient" to put vodka in my sippy cup for your own personal use so it doesn't spill all over your ugly designer bag (seriously, dad should have splurged on new extensions for you instead), maybe you should cover the cartoon characters up with big black pirate skulls and maybe slap on a few green Mr. Yuk stickers so when I think it's water and take a huge chug when I'm parched, I don't almost die from choking and my lungs don't cave in from your complete neglect.

Then again,
that was pretty good.

Can I have some more?




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23 comments:

  1. Loving the picture and as usual, how openly you raise the boys-- they are gonna be awesome young men!

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  2. LOL..your "son" has a way with words. Love it!

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  3. "...that Obama is my real daddy and he makes me give my toys away to the brat next door, who does nothing but sit on his ass all day and wait for the ice cream truck," -- My favorite part. Cracks me up!

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  4. I die......Oh Gunner MacGyver Optimus Spongebob MileyGaGa Smith how I adore you!!! You are my fav blogger cause you're always keepin it real!!

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  5. hilarious, using his sippy for YOUR drinking pleasure. I thought I was the only one. Then again my son hasn't had the pleasure of tasting "the momma juice" as we like to call it. I can imagine the horror when he does...

    love this post and YOU! :)

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  6. Haha hillarious. I'm pretty sure your son is my new favorite blogger!

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  7. This is so funny! I think I love your parenting style. -Hanna Marie

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  8. it's a good thing Gunner knows who Jesus is.....might help him get through lift a little easier with such a 'special' mom. haha jk he is a very loved child!

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  9. Haha, I agree Gun(can I call you that?) it would be a nightmare to have Obama as a dad! Digging the outfit choice for the picture too!

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  10. This is hilarious! What is it with little boys and make up brushes?

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  11. This is all so awesome. Every bit of it.
    Did he really drink vodka!?!?! OMG- that is awful but funny all at once.

    And bacon in the toaster, huh.. I have a six month old.. are you telling me these are just some of the amazing things to look forward to?

    I found you through .. Yoga Pants. Glad I did.. you're a FUNNY mom. Finally!

    http://www.haleyspace.blogspot.com

    Haley

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  12. Ok, just read this and it is pretty freaking funny because it is all SO what his little mind is thinking! People think you are joking but you ACTUALLY PUT ON ARACHNAPHOBIA for your kids!!!! Don't worry Booby...I am here to save his mental well being! ;) Poor Tink.

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  13. You, my friend, should have your own daytime talk show. You could teach this world a thing or two! (Sometimes, kids need vodka):) I look forward to these posts. I'm not going to say that I am obsessed, but when I found your blog, I may have spent a good part of my work day reading past posts. (Thank God my computer screen does not face the door of my office) So, Thank you Raven for helping me fool my boss into thinking I was kicking work's ass.

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  14. OMG, remember when he almost did that with your rum-filled water bottle while we were camping and I shouted out "make sure that's not still filled with RUM!" 2 milliseconds before he chugged it down?

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  15. I love everything about this post! You sound like a great mom, who has amazing children!

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  16. I don't know whether to believe the bacon-in-the-toaster-fire-truck-part, but it sounds priceless!

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  17. Bacon in the toaster!? He's a smart little guy :)

    And I can't stop laughing about the vodka in the sippy cup. Ya gotta do what ya gotta do, right?!

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    - Tối hôm trước ở Quan Ngọc lâu, hắn không chỉ xuýt chút nữa thì mất mạng, còn không phải đành nuốt giận, đến cả rắm cũng không dám thả hay sao, loại bất lực này sống trên đời đúng là làm mất thể diện Kiếm Các Hầu Phủ.

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