True Story

10.09.2014


Let's just get it out there. Chuck E. Cheese is a disaster. Unless you have an affinity for drug deals underneath the animatronic show, contracting herpes or really, really bad pizza, most people avoid the place like Planned Parenthood on a Saturday.

Rob and I didn't plan to take our kids to Chuck E. Cheese, no, instead we took them to the much more socially acceptable local trampoline park, which turned out to be closed because it was a Sunday - a weekend day - aka a day all kids are out of school - aka one very bad business decision because hello! it's the weekend and when else are kids supposed to break an ankle jumping into the foam pit…however that is neither here nor there and the moral of the story is the tramp park was closed, our kids were pretty upset and after ten minutes of begging to go to Chuck E. Cheese instead we gave in like most incompetent parents these days who would rather just say yes than expend energy actually, like, parenting.

So there we were. It was shoulder-to-shoulder traffic, much like Vegas on New Years Eve except Rob wasn't drunk. (I was, in case you missed that. Turns out, plastic Starbucks containers with "water" is perfectly acceptable for a high-class joint like Chucks.) Somehow, Rob and I got split up, with him in one corner of the place with one kid while I was on the other side with my 5 year old.

There is this game similar to jump rope. You stand on a platform and when the digital lights circle around, you "jump" over them. The line was five deep. My precious little angel baby was waiting patiently, super excited to try his turn and win a few tickets that at best would get him a piece of gum. (You know how they do there -- get your kids all uber excited about winning all these prize tickets and then when they get to the counter to claim their reward, their only options are paperclips or superglue, unless you pony up twenty extra bucks and then they get to pick out an amazing toy that would cost you $6.99 at Target.)

Back to the story. Gunner's turn was coming up. We had been waiting a while and there was only one person in front of him. A girl, about nine years old. She stepped up to the platform and took her turn. When her time ran out, she reached into her pocket and plunked in another token. Alright, no big. So she got a little overly juiced up and wanted to continue on her winning streak. After her second turn was over, I was astounded when she reached into her pocket yet again and plunked yet another token into the machine.

You know when you say something to your dog that really entices them such as "want a treat?!" and they kind of cock their head to the side like so? Yeah, that. That is what I did as I watched this little hussy in front of me overstay her welcome. And then Gunner looking up at me with his angel eyes wondering why he wasn't getting a rightfully deserved turn to jump rope his way to a plastic superhero toy marked up 2000% really lit a fire inside of me.

Of course, given that I'm a decent human and forgiving the fact that this female was only in the single digit age bracket, I politely waited for her to finish her third turn and caught her attention right before she was about to reach into her pocket again for a token.

"Hi there, would it be okay for my son to have a turn now? He's been waiting in line for a while."

Homegirl looked right at me, gave me her best you disgust me look and turned back around to play another turn.

That dog-head-cocked-to-the-side thing? Imagine if that dog was possessed, about to have an exorcism performed on him. Also see : Oh haaaaaaiiiillllllll no girlfriend!

So I took a step forward and stood between the jump rope machine and the hustler. Still nicely, still politely, still giving this young lady the benefit of the doubt. I mean, maybe her mother watched The View while pregnant, you never know. And once again, I declared, "you don't understand. My son has been waiting patiently in line and it's his turn. You had three turns and now it's his turn."

What came next I am still trying to grapple with. I mean, I didn't walk into Chuck E. Cheese's thinking we were at some upscale Build-A-Bear workshop. I knew what I was facing. For God's sake, I snuck in vodka in a Starbuck's container! Still. Still. I wasn't expecting to hear the following:

"Go ahead ugly. You look like the Kardashian with the big nose."

Right about now would usually be the time I would pull out my numchucks and karate a bitch, but I was just so…...I mean.…..did she just…...???

Oh. my. gawd. 

She said I look like Khloe Kardashian.

Forget my kid and his jump rope aspirations.

This is the BEST. DAY. EVER.

Like, ever.

(Please God let her have been referring to Khloe and not Bruce.)



*this was a repost from a year ago,
but the memory still remains ingrained in my head.

32 comments:

  1. Aaaaand that's why I won't take my kids to Chuck-E-Cheese. Geez! Her mother must be a royal…jerk. Let's go with jerk.

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  2. This right here is the exact reason that I read your blog. This is awesome. Would that make Rob.... Lamar?

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  3. The name Chuck -E- Cheese alone makes me shudder. Vodka was definitely the best decision you could've made.

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  4. LMAO - that's pretty freaking hilarious. Way to turn a negative little twerps rudeness into a silver lining. Khloe is the ONLY Kardashian I will tolerate.. WIN/ WIN!

    PS When I give birth my push present better be that my husband burns the Chuck E. Cheese in town, to the GROUND! ;)

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  5. Hahaha!!! What a little brat but at least she gave you a nice compliment in her distorted little way!

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  6. Vodka is a necessity at a place like that, I admire you for braving that place!

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  7. What great, brave parents you are for stepping even one toe inside Chuck E Cheese! We go to Space Aliens instead. Do you have that restaurant where you live? It's still noisy and messy, but the food is pretty good :)

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  8. Good ole Chucky. This brings back memories, Rave! My son (age 20 now) and I spent lots of time in Chuck E Cheese. The grilled chicken sandwich and the salad bar are not bad - at least not as bad as the pizza, BTW. I NEVER went on a weekend, though, for the very reasons you state - TOO crowded. Weekday mid morning when all the little brats are still in school - perfect. I used to like the video games myself - thanks for the memories!! (MARIA)

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  9. Best true story ever :)

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  10. Omg this is amazing haha Chucks is always great for stories! My husband about got in a fight with a lady with curlers in her hair because she yelled at him for "stealing her babies tickets" while playing skiball. No ma'am you're son was stealing our balls to throw down a random lane and these tickets are for my 3 year old niece.... ohhh the Chucks

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  11. sounds awful. I wonder if our parents had that much 'fun' when they took us. however, I think we were older when we went. =)

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  12. That was not the ending I was expecting and I am so delighted at the surprise. I might have gone one step further and although on a high from being called a Kardashian, I would have tripped her for good measure. Oops. :)

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  13. haha when I read what she said I was thinking..."that would be the best day ever". And then I read your next line which is where you said exactly that! I think Khloe's gorgeous...so definitely a major compliment from the little brat! :)

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  14. This was so funny, I read it out loud to my husband too, who also nearly came out of his chair. We have no kids, but still...hilarious!

    Amanda

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  15. Oh wow! I can't go to Chuckie Cheese because I'm liable to either be arrested for spanking someone's no mannered child for injuring the child I'm with or sucker punching their parents.

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  16. "Khloe and not Bruce" I just about peed my pants! It would have taken all I have not to smack that girl.

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  17. Aww, she sounds just precious!!

    Good job Mama of rabid Chuckie Cheese kid!!! The world can continue to spin on its crappy parenting axis!

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  18. Wow, she sounds like a total sweet heart.. her momma must be real proud! The only time I take my son to Chuck E Cheese is in the middle of the week in the morning when I don't have to deal with tons of kids :)

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  19. This is why I love your blog. So honest. I f'n love it!!!

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  20. Hahaha!! OMG!! The sad part is, if a little girl in the single digits is saying shiz like that, you can only imagine what her mother says around her!! Good for you for standing up for your little boy!!

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  21. OMG! I just realized that we both live in Tri-Cities!

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  22. i really thought that story was going to take a turn to negative town and then boom - it went to something awesome. but seriously chuck-e-cheese is my nightmare. at least you had starbucks! ha

    cheshirekatblog.com

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  23. If you're into mixers...Starbucks passiontea lemonade works great. #ThanksMom.

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  24. Lmao. You are prettier than the Kardashians. PS. I totally like Chuckee Cheese Pizza. I think it's nostalgia, but still.

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  25. خدمات صيانة متميزة و مضمونة يمكنك الحصول عليها من مراكز صيانة كاريير المعتمدة لاصلاح كافة اعطال تكييفات كاريير الكهربائية ، و تتم خدمات الصيانة في شركة كاريير على يد خبراء صيانة ذوي مهارة عالية .

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  26. تعتمد المصحات التشيكيه على استخدام احدث الاجهزة و المعدات الطبية المتطورة في علاج جميع الامراض ، كما تقدم ايضًا خدمات العلاج الطبيعي بإستخدام احدث اجهزة العلاج الطبيعي بالاضافة الى وجود فريق طبي متكامل متخصص في مهام العلاج الطبيعي .

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  27. تعمل مراكز صيانة بوش علي تصليح الاجهزة الكهربائية باعلي جودة ممكنة في استخدام القطع الاصلية في تصليح الاجهزة الكهربائية التابعة لها .

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  28. تعتبر شركة حرسات امنية من اكبر الشركاتالتي تعمل علي تقديم الخدمات التي تضمن لكم ولاسرتكم ولممتلاكاتكم الامن والسلامة التي تحقق بتوفير عدد من افراد الامن والبودي جارد وتعمل شركة امن وحراسة علي اختيارهم .

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  29. تعمل مراكز صيانة جليم جاز علي اخذ اعلي جودة من اعادة تشغيل الاجهزة الكهربائية وصيانتها اليت تتم داخل هذة المراكز واحتوائها علي العلامة الماركة المسجلة من التوكيل .
    https://www.almyaa.com/Glemjaz-Maintenance/

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