I'm Raising My Kids To Not Be Complete Imbeciles

10.08.2014


I got a few well intentioned emails over the the weekend. Two, to be exact, but that's enough to warrant an entire blog post dedicated to an answer, especially when the question is so stupid it makes my brain hurt. 

Someone named Molly wrote the following:

Ummmmm, why do you not make your kids wear life jackets when they are on the boat or in the water? Are you stupid? Do you want them to drown? 'Cause it seems to me like you want them to drown, since you are so careless with their safety. Idiot.

(This email just about sums up the other one, so I won't grace you with even more intelligent rhetoric.)

Oh Molly. You charming, sweet-natured silly Molly. 

Let me start by saying that no, I do not wish for my children to drown. Do I wish for them to suddenly become mute between the hours of 4 and 7 pm? Yes I do. Do I wish for them to grow up and become millionaires by either a) playing baseball or b) building rocketships so they can then buy me my own private jet? Of course. Do I wish they learn to wipe their own butts eventually? Absolutely. 

But do I wish for them to drown? 

Nah. 

I'd miss the hugs and kisses at night. And besides, they're totally tax write-offs. 

But to answer your ever so pressing question Molly, in the state in which we reside, life jackets aren't required for kids if they are cruising in a boat over 20 feet long. Do we have to have them readily available on the watercraft should a tsunami arrive? Yes. But is it against the law for kids of any age to be sans life jacket on a boat like ours? Unfortunately for you Molly, no, it is not. Womp womp. 

Do I require them to wear one if they are to say, swim in the river where their little toesies can't touch? You bet your last shot of vodka I do. Which is probably why you haven't seen one single photo of them swimming in the river without sporting a life jacket. 

In other words Molly, mind your own damn business. 

But thanks for your email. It really got me thinking. Thinking about how best I can raise my kids so they don't turn into idiots like yourself. 

- I will teach my kids to take responsibility. If they spill hot coffee on themselves, they will try harder next time to not be such a klutz. They won't sue McDonalds.

- I will teach them to respect authority. If someone in charge gives them a command, they will obey no matter what. If they want to change the rules, they can put in the effort and use their brain and get themselves to a place where they really can change the rules. In other words, don't bitch unless you're willing to do something about it.

- I will teach them to buck up. If they want to play with the big boys and they get hurt in the process...too bad so sad little one. Name of the game.

- I will teach them how to properly use playground equipment. And when or if they fall off and break a bone, I will drive them to the nearest emergency room and not to the nearest lawyers office. I've said it once and I'll say it a million times...we ain't raising no pussies around here. 

- I will imbed in my kids the importance of common sense. Like, don't eat crayons and never tattoo the name of some random broad on your body.

I could go on, Molly, but I have some important matters to tend to. 

Such as living my own life and concerning myself with my own problems and not writing ridiculous emails to people who couldn't give a shit less what I have to say. 

Bye sugartwits!

61 comments:

  1. It is going to be raining tomorrow, I better put my son in a life jacket.

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  2. I always say "suck it up buttercup" to my child when he whines about getting hurt. If he is still breathing, ain't bleeding and has no broken bones then he can get up and keep going. If he tries to do something crazy and I tell him not to and he does it anyway, he will only do it once and then he will change his mind. Kids have to learn a lesson one way or the other so for their future they know better. If we baby our children forever they will be pussies! I say right on Raven! You know I will always pull for you!

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  3. We never make the kids where life vests in the boat. Sure they are there if an emergency. We make sure there is enough for everyone on board. If they are somewhere they can't touch, they wear them. Molly sounds like she wants to put 2 cents in without knowing a darn thing about the subject. You are raising two beautiful, independent kids. Keep it up.

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  4. One of the best posts I've read! Amen!

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  5. Wow. There goes a mom who is just a bit shy on common sense. Of course, common sense and personal responsibility are a bit lacking every where these days.

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  6. I just want to say one thing, and that is that the mcdonald's hot coffee case was actually really messed up and yes mcdonald's should have to pay for making their coffee so hot that it causes third degree burns and emergency skin grafts -- just straight up negligence on their side! (it's actually really interesting, if you're interested ;D) http://www.forthepeople.com/blog/hot-coffee-case

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  7. Amen! Great post! I could not agree with you more!

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  8. Haha, I love the ignorance of some people. And the fact that they are so concerned with the way others are choosing to raise their kids. Aka the way I would raise my own kids. People are too damn sensitive these days and I'm all about keeping things old-school, the way I was raised. In a non-sue happy world.

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  9. AWWW hell yes Raven is back!!
    This is the blog posts that kept me following your for so long!!!
    Great post and I am glad your mean ass is back!!!

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  10. Someone got a flashlight?

    My boo throwing major shade.

    and I freaking LOVE IT.

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  11. Awesome post! I hope Molly makes a rebuttal or at least a comment! It amazes me that people will type crap they would never say to someone face to face!

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  12. I agree, that person was rude - but if you can get past the rudeness, she may have a point. Just because the law says you don't have to do something, doesn't mean you can't still do it. If the boat is anchored and y'all are playing, eating or whatever - probably no life jacket. But cruising fast (assuming you go pretty fast in the boat) - I think I'd put it on them. Especially if I'd had several vodka drinks - just in case...

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    1. I totally see your point. And there are times I do make them wear their life jackets when we are cruising down the river. I try to be discerning about it, such as if the water is rough, yes. Also, my kids know they will be SITTING when the boat is running and if they get up and walk around, or stand too close to the edge of the boat, they will get wapped hard and they have pretty much learned their lesson by now. They are 4 and 6 and have spent every single summer on the boat and so far, no accidents so I think I'm doing ok. ;) We try to teach them water/boating safety and believe it or not, but my husband is actually anal about boater safety when he is behind the wheel.

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    2. I know you've got it under control, Rave! We used to go out on my parent's boat when my son was about the same age as your kids, and oh how he HATED that life vest. I only did it when my dad cranked it up really fast. Plus I drank a lot of wine on that boat and didn't trust myself to be able to jump in and save him LOL!

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  13. Unsolicited advice is obnoxious. Unsolicited advice from a stranger even more so. Unsolicited advice from an ignorant, inbred stranger talking about your children deserves a high five to the face.

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    1. ok both comments totally made me LOL but for reals....

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  14. True, but Raven is not a stranger to any of her blog readers. She has put herself, her kids and her parenting style out there - some people will not agree with it, and if you allow comments you have to take the good with the bad.

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    1. So very true, but there is a right and wrong way to say things. I just feel like she approached it the wrong way. I'm very thick skinned so talk about me all you'd like but do not talk about my daughters. If you do make sure it's in a constructive way.

      What would we all have to laugh at if she didn't get these kinds of emails though?! :)

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  15. "Please, tell me what you think! I love reading your thoughts and opinions..." that's what Raven says at the bottom of this page. They are not all going to be positive thoughts and opinions.....

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    1. Absolutely. I welcome the positive and the negative with open arms! And you know I will always love you M, no matter what ;)

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  16. I know you do, Ravie - ditto - ! I looked at the McD coffee case site - and sorry not sorry (to quote my favorite blogger:) - I don't care if the "poor" woman was 79 years old. That's old enough to know that coffee is hot. Way hot. It's not McDonald's fault that she spilled it on herself. RIDICULOUS!!!

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    1. It is McDonald's fault if they purposely made the coffee too hot! She wasn't asking them for damages bc she spilled the coffee she was asking for damages bc she needed medical attention bc of their negligence (in making the coffee too hot) haha just have to put my two cents in on a totally beside the point thing!

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    2. This just in....coffee is hot! Act accordingly.

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    3. Seriously Kim is very right on this one, it was a malfunction with the coffee machine and she didn't spill it. It melted in her lap. Very very sad. Maybe think about the other side of an argument before jumping to a conclusion.

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  17. while it does make me nervous to see the boat moving and no life jackets on, I know it's when you guys are going slow and Rob is excellent with boater safety! =) Those emails people send are always amusing. ok ok, I know...boring comment ;) now please excuse me while I go drink my cup of coffee that does, gasp, have some caffeine in it. hehe

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  18. OMG - enough about the McD's hot coffee lawsuit.

    You go Raven - if she has a problem with what you do, why is she reading the blog?

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  19. As we would say around here.... Molly stop being such a Dickcunt........

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  20. GOMI know-it-alls (I'd like to use another word, but I am a lady) strike again! Wish they'd keep their judgment to their forums and stop telling everyone else how to live our lives. Bet they don't get much boat action, since they spend their time getting angry at strangers and commiserating with each other about how pathetic and sad they are.

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  21. You think allowing your kid to say "fuck" is teaching them respect??
    Not to mention videoing it and sharing it online.....

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  22. Oh silly humans.. Geeze.. Funny post glad the kids are alive and kicking as usual... :)

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  23. Let me just say GO RAVE!!! *let's have a drink to that* You got this little blogland haters undies all up in a twist over a photo! It is NONE of their damn business how you raise YOUR kids. If you want them to have no life jackets, so be it. If you want them to run around naked, who cares. If you allow them to say fuck and video tape it.. at least you got a sense of humor and I am almost positive you talked to them about the behavior and how it is an adult word... people should really should start using their brain before typing out comments.. If kids came with books we'd all be boring and following rules, but that is the joy of having kids. You get to raise them how ever the hell you want to raise them. They seems pretty happy and healthy to me and that's all that matters!! Someone come shoot me because I allow my 6 year old to try my "adult" beverages every time he ask..

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  26. oops, my first comment didn't post right - i just wanted to say, that i agree with most of what you said, but i also grew up in an area with lots of lakes/rivers and have known families who have lost children to drowning while they were boating. i'm sure they would do anything to go back in time and make a different decision about life jackets. i would argue that requiring very young children (4 and 6 is pretty young in regard to water safety) to wear life jackets is promoting common sense. kids sink faster than you can imagine and it is harder to find them in natural bodies of water vs. a pool.

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  27. Love your blog and I think this has been my favorite post yet. Poor ole Molly probably feels like a fool. I would. Your choice of words had me literally laughing out loud and I agree with each line. As a mother to a little boy, I love your life lessons and will teach mine the same. People need to get a life...one that's not behind a computer. -A fan.

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  28. I can't believe someone actually felt the need to e mail you about that. Some people need to get an effing life.

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  29. And....yet you give them the attention....lol

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Please, tell me what you think! I love reading your thoughts and opinions, and I find some of my favorite blogs through my comments!