10 Ways I Have Changed My Husband For The Better

6.25.2014


I swear he does it on purpose. I don't even know how, or why, but it's like he knows that tomorrow is his birthday and I was about to write a lovey dovey mushy gushy post dedicated soley to him and his amazingness and then he got afraid of what I might say so he pissed me off royally and on purpose and so my post criteria has changed.

Ha. You were afraid before, Robby?

Well then let's go. I now present to you:

10 Ways I Have Changed My Husband For The Better.

1. His style. I'm sure I've mentioned it before, but one of the main reasons I rejected Rob's advances the first fifteen times he asked me out was because of his jeans. Three words: tight, high-waisted and tapered. Tapered. I mean, you could see his socks for christ's sake. Now? I do all the shopping and let's just say the words "snazzy" and "dapper" have been thrown around a few times. You're welcome.

2. Death By Loofah. Before I even met my husband, he was obsessed with lotions and potions from places like Bath & Body Works. He doesn't use just soap, never has. He likes the coconut/vanilla/salt sand and sea scented body washes. Great! I love those too. He also only washes via loofah, which I think is fantastic. I mean, we all know men have extra dingleberries hanging around back there so the use of a loofah is crucial. However. My husband never replaced the loofah. Like, ever. When I met him, his current loofah was disintegrating by the second, looked like an old worn rag and I couldn't even tell what the original color was. Basically, I fixed that up in a heartbeat. Gave him loofah-disease-and-infestation/rash-when-used-more-than-30-days 101 and have since been purchasing us both new loofahs every month since 2002. Again, you're welcome.

3. R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Speaking of loofahs, alright now, let's get down to it. What is yours, is mine, and what is mine…is mine! Especially my loofah! You can't even imagine my horror when I walked in to the bathroom one day early on in our relationship and witnessed my burly, hairy, contaminated husband scrubbing himself down with my loofah! Oh haaaaaaaaaaay'll no! Boy, I'll let your thingy majig touch lots of things, but not my loofah! (We now have a system in place: only two colored loofahs grace our shower...purple and blue. Purple = princess and blue = boy. Easy peasy. Don't get it twisted.)

4. Appreciation for the color pink. I don't know about you, but guys in hot pink…meow! Before I met my husband, he didn't even think of wearing pink clothing. Neon blue high-waisted super short swim trunks? Yes. But neon pink anything? No. Now, his favorite articles of clothing are a few pink items I chose for him. Real men wear pink? More like real men dominate pink.

5. Pillow Etiquette. As in, no actually, that pillow you just molested between your legs all night is not what I wanted when I said "give me back one of the pillows you stole." No. When you are married to a woman, and she asks for one of her pillows back, she means the cleanest softest most fluffiest non-penis disturbed pillow in the house. 

6 & 7. Gunner and Colt. Best kids ever. Created by us, however, birthed, raised, bathed, fed and kept alive daily by me. I think I deserve a raise.

8. Clarity. When we are sitting there on the couch, after a hearty dinner I have just made you, and as we are watching some show with hot ass slutty whore psycho bitches…when I ask you if you think the one with her nipples showing is hot…the answer is always no. I'm glad you learned this lesson early on, as you have no idea how "slutty whore psycho bitch" I can be.

9. Never make fun of me when I cry during an episode of Grey's Anatomy. You learned that one that hard way, didn't you sweetie?

10. Humility. I know a true woman never reveals her age, but damn boy, 49?! That's like, practically expired. I guess I should stop shopping for you at Abercrombie & Fitch…you have now delved into the world of…gulp…St. John's Bay. Shudder.

Oh.

And ps.

Happy freaking birthday.

28 comments:

  1. ha i love all of this. happy birthday to your man!

    cheshirekatblog.com

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  2. Oh my God, the pillow thing. I can't even stress how true this is, and it happenson a NIGHTLY BASIS. It's either the penis pillow, or the one that was shoved against his butt and he's been farting on it. ALWAYS. Drives me insane...

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  3. LMAO - St. John's Bay... ugh... no!

    Girl I feel you... one thing I feel that couples should NEVER ever share is A) Anything that scrubs said body - sponges / loofah / those shower puffs / wash rags (gross), etc. And I will not ever share a razor, or a tooth brush. I am sure there are other things but those are the big ones. I've had to start ENSURING that I purchase toothbrushes that look completely different. Yes, I want to kiss you but NO I don't want to taste your toothbrush... I've made the mistake once and nearly gagged on vomit.

    I love this HAPPY BDAY TO YOUR HUBBY! Let's hold off on the St. John's until he's the rip ole age of 70ish ok?

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  4. LOL Happy birthday!

    Yes to the Loofah thing, when I moved in with my guy he used wash cloths then hung them to dry and reused ummm EW and NO!

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  5. These are funny! Happy birthday to your husband. -Hanna Lei

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  6. Haha! Happy Birthday Rob. Unfortunetly my husband had to learn the hard way too that my loofah is MINE!

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  7. Good thing he'a a dapper guy that learned which loofah to use and buys you pretty things, because Tapered AND High-Waisted? Wow.

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  8. I want to know the story behind Grey's! & I legit laughed out loud at the penis disturbed pillow part.

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  9. Haha! These are so good. Have the best weekend celebrating!

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  10. YES! When I moved in my guy offered the shared usage of his scrubbing thing. Hell to the no.

    GlitterInTheQuarter.com

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  11. Considering how DISGUSTING your shower door is and the filth on your mirror, you might should worry less about his hygiene vand more about your homes' cleanliness, or (gasp) hire a cleaning service. Slattern.

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  12. What a great list - and I love the kid comment, you really should get an award!

    xx Kelly
    Sparkles and Shoes

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  13. This post is awesome! Happy birthday to Rob :D

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  14. Haha Happy Belated to him. I hate when Will messes with my pillow, and when I taught him that lesson, he was flabbergasted that we each have dedicated pillows. When it comes to pillows, there is no "What's mine is yours." End of story.

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