DON'T QUOTE THE RAVEN: The Case Against Bras

The Case Against Bras

3.16.2017

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I wrote earlier this week regarding The Case Against Homework and The Case Against Electronics that I figured I should also write about the case against something just as — and maybe even more so — crucial: for the love of all things, can we just get rid of these metal contraption boob crushers!?

I'm talking about The Case Against Bras.

I don't know why I'm so passionate about the subject but dammit, I am. (Probably because I have boobs and don't like being told how to harness them. Let's run with that.)

Look, I'm all for women making their own decisions. If it makes you happy to wear a bra with hardware sewn in then by all means, rock on. I'm not here to tell women what to do or wear, I'm here to announce that I won't be letting anyone else tell me what to do or wear!

Specifically, the bra. Also know as chest chokers, mammary muzzles, over-the-shoulder boulder holders and a plethora of other stupid names probably created by men. (Full disclosure: I love men. I'm also not here to downgrade their worth. But just as all men and women are not created equal, neither are all men, which we will get into in a moment.)

Real talk. Bras are uncomfy as they come.

Not only are they annoying and ill-fitting, but they have the potential for some serious chafing. There is a reason why the various meme's of "the best feeling in the world is taking off your bra at the end of the day" are so popular and get re-posted over and over again: it's because it really is the best feeling in the world! The feeling of taking off one's bra at the end of the day evokes such a strong reaction in us women that it has become a major daily triumph. Something we look forward to and desperately yearn for. But why should we have to go through pain just to get to such pleasure? I understand the sentiment "pain before pleasure" when it comes to sports dedication or intense schooling or birthing a baby for crying out loud: some things we must simply endure in order to come out the other side of bliss, but our boobies? Our soft, sensitive, precious boobies?

Pain and boobs should not a partnership make.

And marketing companies aren't stupid, they know how to hook women into buying multiples of these torture devices by compartmentalizing their "many uses." You can't just have a regular bra, you also need a "t-shirt" bra and a "strapless" bra and a "halter" bra and a "racerback" bra and a "multi-use" bra and a "sexy time" bra - nursing, padded, plunge, push-up, adhesive and stick-on bras, oh my!

Our pain = their gain.

Not to mention, there have been many, many articles written on how bras can actually hinder our health! If that's not reason enough to go braless, I don't know what is. And back to the vanity aspect of wanting to look our best, science has proven that not wearing a bra actually helps our boobs not to sag. According to a study, scientists have found that not wearing a bra actually protects your breasts from gravity. This is because it forces women to have better posture and it also forces the body to develop the muscles that lie underneath the breasts, which aid breast support and lift. (Also see: 9 Amazing Things That Happen When You Stop Wearing A Bra.)

I say it's time we take our boobs back into our own hands! (Literally, don't forget to self-check our breasts on the regular ladies!) They belong to us and we should treat them with respect.

Speaking of respect...

Now that we've covered banning bras in the name of comfort and health, what then do we do about the social stigma of it all? Even after all my convincing, I doubt most women are going to walk into a job interview sans bra. (Unless the job interviewer is a man, then let's be honest, you will probably get the job. I don't know about you, but I'd call that a win-win.) The headlines are always the same: "Braless Jennifer Anniston out on the town!" "Chrissy Teigen At Dinner Without A Bra!" "Judge Judy Presided In Court Today With Exposed Nipples!" I mean, how is this even actual news?! People still, in this day and age, get hot and bothered by seeing a woman breastfeed!

But it is. It's news because still, people are afraid of the breast. People are offended by seeing the mere outline of one of our most natural body parts. People are apprehensive and can be downright defensive about the notion of going braless.

And by people, I'm mostly referring to insecure women.

Sorry. I didn't want to go there, I really didn't, but I can't gloss over the fact that it's mostly women who have such a problem with the anti-bra movement. Men sure don't give a crap (clearly) and there can't possibly be any other plausible reason besides insecurity when it comes to other women giving any consideration to the state of my unrestricted boobs.

So what if it makes you uncomfortable that your man is staring at my boobs! You know what makes me uncomfortable? Your man staring at my boobs!!

Creeper.

And I get it, men are visual creatures, they just are. I'm not trying to take away their God-given right to ogle pretty little things, but do some of ya'll gotta rubberneck it so hard? And just in case no one has told you yet, you won't stand a chance with that exposed bosom you covet so badly when you gawk like a muttonhead. (Here is where we circle back to "not all men are equal." I know not all of you guys are crude, lewd, eyeball challenged people — most of the men I know are respectful and sure, may take a quick peek but they definitely don't let their eyes linger there like they've never come in contact with one before. Grow up and act like you've seen a pair before, it's attractive.)

I promise you that I'm not going braless to lure your man in. I'm sure most other women aren't either. Sure, there are some hookers out there with the sole intention of dressing in a way to nab themselves a treat, whether taken or not, but those animals are in a whole different category of debris. Most women, most decent women who choose to go braless are doing so purely because honey, it just feels good.

Look. I'm not at all advocating for the total baring of boobs. I'm all for being classy and modest (except when I'm not) and protecting our self-worth by respecting our bodies. I certainly don't think self-proclaimed flaming feminists who shove their bare boobs in our faces and who use them as a juggling act in public is empowering to women whatsoever. It's not. Behaving in that manner is vulgar and tasteless and does absolutely nothing to legitimize the imperative value of women.

What I am advocating for is simple comfort when it comes to our boobs. That and lowering the stigma of going braless. That's all. Comfort looks different for every woman, and if it makes you uncomfortable going without, they make some super cute soft bralettes that don't contain any materials that would set off a metal detector.

And as I said earlier, if wearing a wire in your bra is the most comfortable for you, no judgement here.

I'm just asking that you do the same.