Hot Mess Express. All Aboard!

2.18.2015

On yesterday's blog post, anonymous posed the ever so eloquent question (that they later deleted), "do you really think you're hot shit?" And I suppose the polite thing to do would be to answer that question. You ready anon?

Yes. My answer is yes, I really do think I'm hot shit. As my instagram tagline has read for months now.

But see here's the thing...I don't think I'm supermodel gorgeous by any means. I could never be on the cover of a magazine (unless we're talking like, Penthouse, and even then I'd probably get a quarter size inside insert at best) nor could I walk the runway for New York Fashion Week. Ain't ever gonna happen for me and I absolutely embrace that fact.

Because I know I'm not completely out of the game. I may not be supermodel status, but I also know I'm no Lena Dunham. See, I'm what some like to call "trashy hot." You know, the one who is stumbling down the beach with half an ass cheek hanging out, not quite sure where she's going, yet who looks like a total knockout doing so. The one who may have had a shot too many, but my shirt is tight and my boobs are big so I still come out ahead. 

I never get compared to Gisele or any of the Victoria's Secret models, but I do constantly hear I resemble that hot mess Brandi from Storage Wars. (I did a blog post on the similarities between the two of us here.) She isn't what model scouts look for in a prospect but she is and has remained at the top of the list when it comes to what men find sexy. Does it have something to do with her big huge boobs and raunchy attitude? Perhaps. But but...does it matter? 

I like holes in my jeans. I like short shorts. I like tight pants and revealing bikinis and skimpy skirts. I like not wearing a bra and I like getting attention for all of it. And if that makes me trashy then I like being trashy. Capital "T" give it to me I'll wear it loud and proud.

Does this mean I can't attend a high class event with the President of the United States and act every bit a lady? Of course not. I can hang with the best of them. Does this mean I won't sneak in a few mini bottles and take mini shots every time I go to the bathroom? Silly...I may be trashy but I'm no blockhead.

And I really don't want to hear "men bang the trashies but marry the classies" 'cause no sweetie, trashies can be as loyal and faithful as they come, but I bet they are way more fun in bed and I guarantee they can rock a studded cutoff jean short better than some 9 to 5 stuffy cardigan wearing honey.

I mean, I've gotten in trouble twice for my attire at the country club. Trouble, as in I was asked to leave the premises and please don't come back until I'm dressed "appropriately," whatever that means.  However, I later found out that the one who complained about my inappropriate clothing choice was an older gentlewoman that was displeased with her husband staring at my rack as they were trying to eat their dinner. So basically, I was dressed too provocative (my tank top wasn't even spaghetti straps! Gosh!) aka "trashy" and men were looking.

Sue me. 

And I ain't even mad about it! 'Cause "trashy" to that broad was "sexy" to her husband and I ain't even trying to get intimate with women so I'll take the male's perspective any day. (Side note: in no way am I condoning nor am I the type that would ever try to get a taken man to stray. Those women types are disgusting and deserve to have Lena Dunham sit on their face as punishment. I'm just pointing out that when women screech "trashy! She's so trashy!" it's usually code for "I'm insecure and want to eliminate that person from my man's eye view." Also known as: not my problem.)

More specifically, I may be a shoddy one, but in a group setting, I'm always the hottest shoddy. 

And truthfully? I'm totally okay with that. In fact, I'm borderline proud of it. I may just tattoo that ish on my derriere, right next to my husband's name on my left butt cheek. 

Speaking of being classy, I read once in a an article where the author said "classy girls should never pose with a drink in their hand. It's just not very becoming or attractive."

Listen skank. I'll pose with as many drinks in my hand as I want and I guarantee my picture will get more likes than yours.

What's that??

ARE


YOU


TRYING


TO


SAY


CLASSY


GIRLS


SHOULDN'T


POSE


WITH


ALCOHOLIC


DRINKS


IN


THEIR


PHOTOS?


WHY


IS


THAT?


OH


I


KNOW...


CAUSE


YOU


ARE


A


LAME


BATTLE-AX.


I CAN DRINK TO THAT!

54 comments:

  1. I love you and I think you're gorgeous and this is an awesome post :)

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  2. I love how honest and to the point you are! :) #cantgetenoughraven

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  3. And this is why you got Rob.

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    Replies
    1. Exactly Giselle!! You feel me girl. #fistbump

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    2. Which doesn't bode well for you in the long term Raven. Young trashy girls are going to find Rob attractive even when he's 60+ - and young trash is way more attractive than old trash.

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    3. But you see G-baby, those other girls don't have the golden fishwhistle. I do.

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    4. My point exactly. That's ALL you've got going for you Raven - your golden fish whistle. And by your account, that's all a girl needs. Well the girls we are talking about are currently VERY young. Believe me - in 10, 15 years time their fish whistles will be sparkling and yours won't.

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    5. Wahhahahahahahhahahaha. By posting our exchange on Instagram, you just showed that you didn't "win". In fact, you just gave me the pleasure of knowing that I REALLY got to you. I kind of felt embarrassed for you that you didn't catch the irony of my first comment. Now go update your Instagram ;)

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    6. Swerve bitch swerve. Freaking stalker. Xoxo

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    7. And I put it on IG so others could laugh along with me. You anon types are so flippin funny I feel selfish keeping you all to myself. Read: we all think you're pathetic. And scurred. So very very scurred.

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  4. "but my shirt is tight and my boobs are big so I still come out ahead."

    So many tears of laughter. Raven, for the win.

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  5. Classic DQTR. Love it.

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  6. I think more people in general should think they are hot shit including Lena Dunham. I don't think we should put her down for being on the pudgy side. She is hot in her own way, just as you are and everyone else.

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    Replies
    1. I wasn't saying Lena isn't hot 'cause she's pudgy. I was using her as a reference because I think she is disgusting inside and just a disgrace to women everywhere. Has nothing to do with her lady lumps ;)

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    2. Remind me again where I should send your I heart Lena shirt?

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  7. I think your great and honest! I love reading your posts because your real! Some "blog people" act like everything is so happy and fake all the time and you just keep it real. Don't ever change :)

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  8. bahahahahahha! this is the best thing ever! I LOVE it and you!

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  9. As always, you crack me up! I would rather be fun than boring or plain... just sayin ;)

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  10. You are too pretty and have too nice of a body to be wearing those thick bikini ties up top...get a string bikini. ; )

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  11. Fantastic freaking post!! Love it!

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  12. Can't. Stop. Laughing!!!!

    You make a great point .... why is it "empowering" when a female such as Lena is half nude, and NUDE on tv, but people call what you're doing trashy? If you've got it, flaunt it, if you are confident, flaunt it. Women cutting down other women is what ruins us all in the end... keep up the great work girl and keep fighting the good fight, that of being yourself!!! Unapologetically!

    I like that you've owned the trashy, hot mess mentality / look and you're OK with that. You my dear, are NOT trashy, but it's like when people say "She's a bitch..." I own it... and I"m ok with it because I KNOW I'm bitchy, and I can be a bitch - you give these terms a positive spin - one I can totally and 100% get behind!!!

    PS If I had your rack, and body I'd do it too - but what shines the brightest is your personality. You like to have fun, you don't BS anyone you are who you are and that's what I love about ya! :) If you didn't have a great personality you might be just another tart, but darlin' you can hold your own against all the haters AND the nay sayers and STILL have fun.

    PSS If posing with a drink makes you trashy... well then sign me up to the trashy club!

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  13. And this is why we would be besties. Fist bump to being hot messes with no shame. Sorry I'm better than all y'all? But not sorry.

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  14. I suddenly want to dance on a table...
    Maybe your younger-child could take our pic ;)
    <3, LJ.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Ha ha!!! I ♥ this post!!! I have no shame in admitting I drink wine... and I drink it often. So sue me. I enjoy it, don't get drunk, work a professional job, pay my bills, and keep up my house. I'll drink if I want to!!

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  16. OMG. Can we be best friends?

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  17. Oh Raven! Even though you are a republican i much enjoy your post. Tell that bitch to Swerve!

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  18. I feel so terrible sorry for your children and family. What an embarrassment you must be to them.

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    Replies
    1. Really!?! I feel sorry for the fact that you can't even have balls enough to comment as your self! You have to hide behind an anonymous profile and be pathetic!

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    2. Oh shut the fuck up. You're pathetic because you stand up for a stupid bitch who, by the way, thinks she's better than YOU. Suck up.

      Delete
  19. Oh my god these anonymous comments!! I love reading your blog and don't think I've ever commented before? Yes, we all think you're hot shit, keep having fun in life girl, it's a BLAST to read!

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  20. I'm just gonna quote Ms. Swift and say "And a HATERS gonna HATE HATE HATE" You keep doing you! Shes pathetic hiding behind an anonymous username! Grow a pair you spineless witch!

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  21. Hey Raven ... it's Nik from Australia here (I can only post anonymously because it won't let me do anything else). I personally love the anonymous comments as in responding to them it gives you an opportunity to highlight how fabulous you really are. Keep poking the bear(s). It's so entertaining!!!

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  22. Haha I even hold other people's drinks in pictures because I want to be like the cool kids! Adult beverages = the best photo prop!

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  23. You're an ugly cunt and your husband cheats on you.

    ReplyDelete
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    ReplyDelete
  25. You know why you're unattractive? Because this entire post was you comparing yourself to other women and putting them down for the type of jobs they have and the clothing they choose. You made judgments about their relationships and insisted that all of these hypothetical women were insecure, unhappy, and jealous.

    You're projecting so hard.

    A beautiful woman doesn't validate herself by comparing herself to others and especially not by putting them down.

    ReplyDelete
  26. (I just got back to my blog and am catching up...) Hahahaha I love you and this post!

    ReplyDelete
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