DON'T QUOTE THE RAVEN: Hot Mess Express. All Aboard!

Hot Mess Express. All Aboard!

2.18.2015

On yesterday's blog post, anonymous posed the ever so eloquent question (that they later deleted), "do you really think you're hot shit?" And I suppose the polite thing to do would be to answer that question. You ready anon?

Yes. My answer is yes, I really do think I'm hot shit. As my instagram tagline has read for months now.

But see here's the thing...I don't think I'm supermodel gorgeous by any means. I could never be on the cover of a magazine (unless we're talking like, Penthouse, and even then I'd probably get a quarter size inside insert at best) nor could I walk the runway for New York Fashion Week. Ain't ever gonna happen for me and I absolutely embrace that fact.

Because I know I'm not completely out of the game. I may not be supermodel status, but I also know I'm no Lena Dunham. See, I'm what some like to call "trashy hot." You know, the one who is stumbling down the beach with half an ass cheek hanging out, not quite sure where she's going, yet who looks like a total knockout doing so. The one who may have had a shot too many, but my shirt is tight and my boobs are big so I still come out ahead.

I never get compared to Gisele or any of the Victoria's Secret models, but I do constantly hear I resemble that hot mess Brandi from Storage Wars. (I did a blog post on the similarities between the two of us here.) She isn't what model scouts look for in a prospect but she is and has remained at the top of the list when it comes to what men find sexy. Does it have something to do with her big huge boobs and raunchy attitude? Perhaps. But but...does it matter?

I like holes in my jeans. I like short shorts. I like tight pants and revealing bikinis and skimpy skirts. I like not wearing a bra and I like getting attention for all of it. And if that makes me trashy then I like being trashy. Capital "T" give it to me I'll wear it loud and proud.

Does this mean I can't attend a high class event with the President of the United States and act every bit a lady? Of course not. I can hang with the best of them. Does this mean I won't sneak in a few mini bottles and take mini shots every time I go to the bathroom? Silly...I may be trashy but I'm no blockhead.

And I really don't want to hear "men bang the trashies but marry the classies" 'cause no sweetie, trashies can be as loyal and faithful as they come, but I bet they are way more fun in bed and I guarantee they can rock a studded cutoff jean short better than some 9 to 5 stuffy cardigan wearing honey.

I mean, I've gotten in trouble twice for my attire at the country club. Trouble, as in I was asked to leave the premises and please don't come back until I'm dressed "appropriately," whatever that means. However, I later found out that the one who complained about my inappropriate clothing choice was an older gentlewoman that was displeased with her husband staring at my rack as they were trying to eat their dinner. So basically, I was dressed too provocative (my tank top wasn't even spaghetti straps! Gosh!) aka "trashy" and men were looking.

Sue me.

And I ain't even mad about it! 'Cause "trashy" to that broad was "sexy" to her husband and I ain't even trying to get intimate with women so I'll take the male's perspective any day. (Side note: in no way am I condoning nor am I the type that would ever try to get a taken man to stray. Those women types are disgusting and deserve to have Lena Dunham sit on their face as punishment. I'm just pointing out that when women screech "trashy! She's so trashy!" it's usually code for "I'm insecure and want to eliminate that person from my man's eye view." Also known as: not my problem.)

More specifically, I may be a shoddy one, but in a group setting, I'm always the hottest shoddy.

And truthfully? I'm totally okay with that. In fact, I'm borderline proud of it. I may just tattoo that ish on my derriere, right next to my husband's name on my left butt cheek.

Speaking of being classy, I read once in a an article where the author said "classy girls should never pose with a drink in their hand. It's just not very becoming or attractive."

Listen skank. I'll pose with as many drinks in my hand as I want and I guarantee my picture will get more likes than yours.

What's that??

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