Why I Vow To Never Again Take Another Selfie.

8.26.2018

One of the many selfies I've posted in the past.  RIP. 
P.S. You look absolutely and utterly ridiculous.


*I apologize in advance for the overuse of the words "stupid" and "selfie" in this post, 
but I saw no way around it. They are, quite literally, one and the same.

I would like to publicly exclaim that from this day forth, I will never post another selfie to any form of social media. Ever.

I'm not quite sure when I came to this conclusion, but it has to of been somewhere around three months ago, when I posted my last - and final - selfie to instagram.

You see, I've matured and grown a lot since then. You could say I've had a "come to Jesus" moment. Kind of like when I finally affirmed that bras are evil and school pick-up lines are for the weak

You know, major life defining moments. 

It's no secret that social media has made us all narcissistic, overbearing simpletons to an extent, but nothing has upped the game quite like selfies. Photos taken solely of our own faces purely for the desire to be admired and marveled at by total strangers.

I'm finally at a point in my life where I can recognize that nothing looks more stupid than when someone holds out their phone to face their face (it even sounds stupid), and then they smile or pout or lovingly gaze at themselves, and then they post a photo to social media of their own stupid face.

It's an act that takes such an unbelievable amount of egocentricity and self-involvment that the only thing more vain would be if you just started kissing yourself on the screen. A full on make-out session with yourself, by yourself. That's the best way I can describe it, and I've honestly had many talks with myself lately about why I ever participated in such a silly operation.

Not only is it awkward for one to be doing it, but it's awkward for those around you also. It's like, "don't mind me over here, I'll just stand here and wait while you two have a moment."

"You two" of course meaning you and your phone.

Sidenote: Nothing can make a grown adult feel more stupid than when they get done taking a selfie and look over at their eight year old staring at them. Dear Lord what are we teaching our youth.

But I think my born-again realization came when I realized that honestly, sincerely and without any equivocation, people just really don't care.

Like, at all.

No one wants to see my stupid face selfie just as much as I don't want to see your stupid face selfie.

The person who cares the most about your selfie is

***drumroll

you.

I understand some peoples selfies can garner hundreds if not thousands of comments. The throngs of "OMG you are so gorgeous" or "how do you always look so amazing" or "#hairgoals" are not comments said by others because they care about your selfie you just posted. 

They comment those fruitless compliments because they want you to notice them, they want you to comment back on their simple selfie or they just simply want to make their own presence known.

And let's be honest here, people post selfies because they want other people to notice them, they want fruitless compliments on how OMG gorgeous they are and they want to make their own presence known.

It's a vicious circle and at the center of it all is egoism, self-absorption and narcissism at its finest.

And if you don't have anything more interesting to post than your own stupid face, are you really that interesting at all?

As I stand on my soap box and point a finger down at all you self-important, megalomania people, remember I was one of you just three short months ago. And I've been one almost my entire social-media life. I honestly used to believe, as of three months and some change ago, that my few thousand social media followers actually wanted to and got excited by seeing my stupid selfies. 

Why did I think this? Because I got glowing comments about my physical appearance. And for a hot minute, I felt good about myself. Like, oh, wow, total strangers think I'm slightly above average looking, woop woop better go out and celebrate!

Yet I guarantee that everyone who commented on my stupid selfie never thought of it again. They kept scrolling on down, stopping to comment on someone else's stupid selfie and never once gave my stupid selfie another thought. (Just typing those words "stupid selfie" over and over again makes me want to go eat straight mayonnaise.)

And do they really think I'm OMG so gorgeous or are they just wanting me to tell them how OMG so gorgeous they are? My favorite is when I see someone tell someone's selfie how pretty they are, and then that person comments back "oh please, you're one to talk" and then the other comments back "but srsly, you are such a dreamboat" and then the other comments back "I know you are but what am I" and it's just a never-ending cycle of pure and utter dumbness. 

And the fact that the Kardashians managed to help get that awful word inserted into Webster's Dictionary alone should be reason enough to never ever take one ever again. (Even more disturbing, Kim K also has been known to post pictures of her butt to social media with the hashtag "belfie," which stands for "butt selfie." Please dear God no.)

And don't even get me started on those that take selfies for "selfless" reasons. (That's an oxymoron if I ever heard one.) Like the girls who take selfies bare faced with no makeup and hashtag it #natural, as if they are being brave and helping womankind everywhere. 

"What? You look that gorgeous with no makeup on?!?! How do you do it?! #luckyyyyyyyyy"

No no, you see, the ones who post those kind of selfies are even more self-serving and want even more admiration and pats on the back. 

Scenario: A Very Inspiring Person posts a selfie of themselves with baby spit-up on their face.
Random commenter: "what?! You are so inspirational! How do you do it all?"
Very Inspiring Person: "it's easy! If I can do it so can you! Btw, my book on inspiration and how I do it all is on sale right now! Buy it here!"

Rhyme time! It's apparent that you are transparent.

Ok, so some of you may be thinking, "but Raven, you are merely a commoner, a lowly servant, and I...well I am a Queen with approx. 456,000 more social media followers than you. I have to take selfies because it's my job and I get paid the big bucks. You would too if you were me."

I see your point but I'll raise you this: no you don't, you still look stupid, and still...wait for it...no one cares. Yes, they may care about the product you are hocking and many probably thousands will buy it and you can jet off to India with your earnings. You do you girl and make that bank but there are literally five, if not a good 32 other options for photographing whatever it is you are photographing.

I understand if someone is having a bad day and they need virtual validation to go on with life, and if so, have someone, anyone! take a photo of you and then post that. Your fans will still see what you look like (as if they could forget) and you will still get fawning compliments over the state of your overly-filtered face.

Despite all the positive feedback you might get, and despite how many likes or shares or tweets or praises you may get, the reality is simply that no. one. cares. It's all self-serving, on everyone's part. 

And being "super important" on social media — which ultimately means nothing — but being absent from your real life with real people that really do care about you, well...

Use your face in a positive way. Go let your kids look at it while you play trains with them. Let your husband touch it while making out like teenagers on the couch. Look the damn cashier in the eye while you check out at the grocery store instead of being too preoccupied looking at your social media checking how many comments you got on your damn stupid face selfie!!

Girl, RELAX.

So no, I will no longer be taking any more selfies for the rest of my social media career. I am too self-respecting and noble to lower myself to that standard of self-worship. If I ever do, you can call me out on it, but I know I won't. 

Some things are just a matter of moral virtue.






*See also:


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