The End of Me

8.02.2011

Let's just get this over with, because I honestly can't handle thinking about our weekend "vacation" much longer.

The rest of the story.

Told with pictures and narrative from me. 

The site of HELL:

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That my friends, is the kiddie part of the waterpark.


As you can see, it has many levels, nooks and crannies, and lots of people.


Obviously, my 3 year old couldn't meander through there alone. Hence, I had to go with.


Up and down, down and up, getting soaked, cold, pushed, shoved, yelled at and more miserable by the second.


The best part? There were lots of stations where people could soak you with water blasters.


Those little pimply faced tween effers aimed those things right at me and would. not. let. up.


Never mind the fact that I had a toddler in my arms who was screaming bloody murder because he hated the water being blasted in his face.


The little bastards almost got a piece of momma Raven but I made the first mature decision of our vacation and decided that just getting the f&%$ outta there would be a better move.


So I got Gunner dried off and looked around for my mom.


Couldn't find her anywhere.


So we start walking around the waterpark. It's 10 billion degrees at this point.


I walk and walk and walk. I stay in one spot, figuring that she is also looking for me, and if I just sit still, we are be bound to find each other.


I look for ONE MOTHER EFFING HOUR.


In the blazing sun.


With a 3 year old who is HOT, HUNGRY, IRRITATED AND PISSED OFF.


Oh yeah, I'm sure you are thinking, "why didn't you just call her to find out where she was?"


Genius idea.


However my mother had my cell phone with her.


I had just about had it and took off from the hell hole that was being disguised as a "rip roaring good time for the whole family" (MY ASS) and who do I spot?


The woman who gave birth to me. Just relaxing, hanging out with the babe, taking a little cat nap in the shade under a tree.


{Taking a few breaths right now as I type. just.....calm......down....}


WHAT THE HELL?! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN??? DON'T YOU KNOW I HAVE BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU FOR OVER AN HOUR IN THIS HEAT WITH A BESOTTED LITTLE CHILD?????


"Well, I texted you that we would be waiting here for you."


YOU. HAVE. MY. PHONE.


deepbreathsdeepbreathsdeepbreathsdeepbreaths


The only solice I see in sight is that in just a few short minutes, we will be in the air conditioned car heading back to our hotel where my bottle of bacardi awaits.


except.


we had forgotten where we parked.


For the love that is human life, I wanted to kill myself at this point.


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Goodbye. We will NEVER be doing this again.


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(One guess on who ripped that sign out of the wall and kicked it over)





46 comments:

  1. Oh, Raven. You're much too smart to think that a water park would be fun!! What were you thinking!?!?! Those places are the stuff nightmares are made of.

    *shudder*

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  2. hahaha i love this raven

    i hate those water parks with the water blaster things! OR... that giant bucket on top that filled with water and then falls on everyone!

    i was recently at Sea World's water park and it scarred me for life because of all the men in speedos and theyd pick their wedgies and be really gross

    oh and cant forget the piss water...UGH! now im grossed out. i feel for you raven!

    xoxox

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  3. You have convinced me to never, ever go to a water park! Thank you for testing this one out for the other mama's out there! I cannot believe you didn't cuss out the tweens??! I wouldn't have been able to hold back! Kudos to you lady!

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  4. Good lord. Your posts seriously crack me up.
    And you're right waterparks = hell. I can't even imagine how terrible they must be when you have children to tend to. Yikes. You are brave.

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  5. New to your blog! I L O V E it!

    You crack me up!

    That water park seriously looks like hell on earth, you are a brave momma!

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  6. You need a comedy show!!! I swear.

    I love this whole post lady :)

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  7. Hahaha! I'm sorry I don't mean to laugh but you are a great storyteller and this post is so entertaining. Sounds like a nightmare for sure though :(

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  8. water parks with my toddler is like my own personal hell. never. ever. again.

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  9. bahahahaha no you did not!!!

    I can see this happening to me at some point in my life... let me just say that Carissa does not do crowds or teeny boppers well...

    I actually got angry for you at parts of this

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  10. I couldn't help but laugh while reading this post! I could honestly feel a bit of your frustration through the story. That totally sounds like something that would happen to me... "Oh, I texted you." Oh really? You have my phone!!! Glad you all made it out of there alive!

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  11. I honestly can not beleive you and your mom had this tiff!! Poor Momma Raven and Mama Piper..i went there the week before boat races and eeven i didnt like it...little kids bumping me and it blew like a bulemic after christmas dinner. Boat races would have been awesome..at least if one starts crying you could have gone to nonies and sat inside and still had a view :)

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  12. Oh my gosh- I was feeling annoyed and claustrophobic just looking at pictures of that water park! I HATE when there are that many people. Even more so when those people are obnoxious. Your experience sounds HORRIBLE!!!

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  13. Bless your heart. I laughed out loud at the part about your mom saying she texted you...oi...

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  14. Oh.my.gosh! I am so sorry! That sounds like absolute HELL! I would have lost it and gone and given those little S***'s a piece of my mind... I am proud of you for not doing that!!! I don't think I could have stopped myself.

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  15. this is hilarious just because i can totally picture your face and how angry you were. haha.

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  16. I made the mistake of taking Matthew to Hawaiian Falls here the other day with our neighbors. The kiddie part in your picture looks IDENTICAL to what the kiddie part looked like at HFs. Complete with the stupid kids spraying us like crazy while Matthew bawled his eyes out in my arms as I maneuvered through that maze of madness. He went down 1 water slide. By himself. Loved it. And then he was pretty much over it. We also went around the lazy river 3 times and played in the wave pool that he only liked when there were no waves. And then he was done. And so was I. Not fun!

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  17. LM(flippp)AO! I have learned my "water parks are hell" lesson from you. Thanks mama!

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  18. Note to self...avoid waterparks. lol Sounds like one heck of a weekend

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  19. Bahahaha. Oh Raven. I want to personally thank you for this. I'm going to remember this and add it to my list of places not to take my children (when that day comes of course) You make me laugh.

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  20. Take me next time. I love crap like that ;)

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  21. Trust me, I don't need to live and learn, I can learn through others and I can tell you right now we are not flying or traveling with my kids until they are at least 15 years old!!!!!!! (Maybe 5, but we will see at that point). You, on the other hand, have to experience EVERY situation to learn from it. =D Looks like a fun trip.

    - Rach

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  22. bahaha.

    im laughing out loud in my cube. alone.

    totally normal.

    hilarious! so funny about your mama just sitting relaxing! hahaha i really do hope this is not the end of you. because i just started following you on twitter.

    and i'd really like to laugh again tomorrow. please dont make me tear down any exit signs on my way out of work tomorrow.

    xo!

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  23. I had the exact same experience last week! At a water park looking almost exactly the same. Why are the "kid" designated zones the scariest part!? I'd rather stick a few floaties on kiddos and let em' rough it in the deep end while quietly watch on the side lines and get a tan!

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  24. I have never been to a water park before. Some of my friends (with kids) try to get me to go. I definitely don't think I wanna go now lol. Plus, I can see myself forgetting where I've parked. It has happened too many times and that I have even though someone had stole it haha

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  25. I never went to water parks when I was a kid and every time I see these things, I always find myself glad I didn't. I always have to park in a people filled parking garage for work so I am like 99% genius at finding my car and remembering where it is. It is always my job when we park in places like this to remember where it is. Hope you can breath a little now!

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  26. I want you to know I read these posts out loud to my husband....cuz um...they are soooo funny (if you're not the one experiencing them you know?).

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  27. Sounds like hell to me! I love water but NOT water parks! I'm glad you made it out alive and had some Bacardi waiting for you!

    Becca
    http://blondeslogic.blogspot.com

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  28. haha What a mess!! I would have prob started to cry.. but thats just me !

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  29. Hey! Thanks for visiting my blog! I am loving the dark hair on you! The blonde was adorable but the dark is definitely more you! I need to get a better tan before I make the big change though lol! My hair is currently a faded red and I haven't been to tan in awhile, so I definitely need more color or I will look dead haha! Your blog is adorable & your children are beautiful! :)

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  30. Sounds like an awesome time....or NOT! ugh....

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  31. I seriously laughed the entire way through this... I think the same person must do BOTH of our inner dialogues. Bless your heart! You deserve a day at the spa! :)

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  32. omg this post made me love you even more if that is even possible. LMAO! hahaahahahahhahahahaha I can so see all of this happening and you tell stories just like me. TWINSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

    K boo, umm i'm reading your blog instead of voicenoting you back so I'm sure you'll forgive this lapse in time between my last tweet and my soon to be voice note.


    SECOND DRINK GET IN MY BELLY!!!!!!!!!!!!11


    i love you forever and always,
    Lindsey Leslie LouLou

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  33. Bahaha...love the exit sign.

    You maniac, water parks can be fun but not so much when little pimply faced tweens are spraying water at you...they probably just wanted your bod.

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  34. Hahaha. You mean babies, hot weather, millions of people, and pee water isn't the best vacation ever?!

    This post made me so ready for winter. I think people are happier in the winter. Or maybe that's just me.

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  35. Water parks are the nastiest places on earth. I usually only go there so I can feel better about my fat a$# in a swimsuit because there is ALWAYS worse at the waterpark. I hope your next vaca is more relaxing!!

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  36. I believe that with this post you have convinced me to either a) never go to a water park with babies or b) never have babies so I can go to the water park... Now I just have to decided which one is worth giving up.

    :-)

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  37. I can't believe you held it together so well. I think I would have flipped ish on those kids. Especially with a toddler in my arms.

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  38. That's a huge structure for little ones! My husband wants to go to a water park with our two year old. I keep saying wait until he's 4 or 5 or it won't be fun for any of us. I'm using this post for my side of the argument!

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  39. I'm glad I started reading blogs. I learn from other people's mistakes :)

    One to remember - FOR SURE!
    Maybe when they're 12?

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  40. Ugh! Reminds me of my Disneyland trip with the kids. I'm convinced these places are really only fun for teenagers. Parents just get tortured.

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  41. hahahhaa, and this is why Sean can never convince me to go to water parks ... they are not fun at all! and you are so gansta ripping that sign out of the wall, haha. you crack me up Raven!!! :)

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  42. Oh my gosh. I was getting stressed out just reading this post. I'd rather sit in purgatory for 100 years than go to the kiddie section of a water park, or amusement park, or even the kids play area at Chic-fil-a. Scary. And who installs an Exit sign at the bottom of the wall?

    I've just been catching up on some of your blog posts. I saw someone blog about your giveaway and came over to check out. You're freakin' hilarious!!! Love the blog - new follower now, and not just b/c I really need hair extensions... ;o)

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  43. Yikes dude! Temper temper.

    I'm kidding. I would have totally ripped my mom a new one for that stupid move.

    A waterpark? NO NO NO. NEVER! Never do the watermark business.

    EVER.

    I miss you.

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