A Guest Post. By Colt.

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Wednesday, June 13, 2012
So after Gunner guest posted last week, and after all the positive comments he received, he has been walking around the house with his chest out and nose upturned, kinda like he owns the place. Of course, he has been incessantly bragging to his brother about how "all mommys friends like him best" and how "better" he is now that he has a book deal in the works.

So Colt came to me and demanded to write a guest post of his own.

Apparently, second children have something to say also...


Hi. My name is Colt.

As you can see, I have no pants on, and I'm soooooo cold right now. Someone call CPS!

You may recognize my little legs in the above picture, seeing as how mommy tweets and instagrams a billion pictures of me without clothes on. She says I like being naked. Let me ask: do you like being naked? Outside? In the cold? It's not the best feeling in the world. I can't talk much yet, but if I could, I would say "the hell, woman? Put some damn pants on me!"

I mean, really. Too much to ask?

It probably is. Considering the social status I currently hold in the house. Talk about being second rate. It's always "Gunner this" and Gunner that," and then when or if she does remember that she birthed a second child, I might get a few leftover scraps of macaroni and cheese.

I loooooooooooove macaroni and cheese.

Back to my brother.

Why does the oldest have to act like that? Like he's all high and mighty, and that his shit don't stink. I've smelt it, and trust me, it stanks. It doesn't matter what toy I had first, if he wants it, he's gonna get it. It has to be alllllllll about him or he will make my life hell. His way or the highway. Selfish, that's what firstborns are.

I think that mommy is a firstborn.

Explains a lot.

Oh, and by the way mom? I hated my long curls. I'm glad granny cut it off when you and daddy went on vacation. I know you have plans to grow it long again, but make no mistake...as soon as I learn how to use the scissors? Your precious curls are going down.


Oh, and one more thing? When you hear me in the monitor at 6 am? I'm ready to get up. I know you like to brag to all your girlfriends how "both your kids like to sleep 'til 9," but I only sleep 'til 9 because I get bored after 2 hours of doing nothing in my crib, so I drift back to sleep.

You just wait 'til I can crawl out of my crib.

I'll wake you up by smacking you with the pancake paddle.

Get up sugart*ts and make me some breakfast!

Like daddy says...maybe instead of drinking half a fifth and staying up late watching "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant," you could get up with my early cries and sweat it out on that dust machine aka the Treadmill.

That ass ain't gonna work itself out...


It's late.

I gots to go to bed.

My mom is MIA so can one of you sweet sugar britches adopt me?


I'll reward you with long walks in the park and a few sips of my juice box.

Not to be mistaken with my macaroni and cheese.

Don't touch that.

Or I'll go all firstborn on your ass.

41 comments on "A Guest Post. By Colt."
  1. Hi Colt! It sounds like your life is pretty hard especially with your big brother being your mom's favorite! But I must say you do crack me up!!! Very funny post, maybe you should ask your mom to write for you more often ;)

  2. oh my goodness, so cute. Love this post, girlie. If you get a sec, I just posted pictures of my wedding dress. Eeek. Love if you could stop by. xo


  3. Oh My Gosh...I love him too! Could he get any cuter? And...I hear ya Colt...first borns to take all of the toys and demand all of the attention. My little man can vouch for that too. xoxo.

  4. Colt, I know exactly what you're talking about. First borns think they rule the world. They don't, we just let them think we do. It changes soon when you get taller and bigger than them.

    As for Gunner being mom's favorite, I highly doubt it. I see more pics of your naked behind than Gunner in my Instagram, just saying.

  5. I meant " we just let them think they do" but I think you know what I meant since we have a connection and all.

  6. Bahahahah your boys are so haha! Colt has his hands full being the second child but rest assure Colt my friend you will vet away w murderer take it from me Imma second child and I get away with EVERYTHING!

  7. I wonder what is the appropriate amount of time to let your kids cry in the morning before going to get them. Maybe I go in too soon. If I wait just a little longer maybe she'll go back to sleep until 9, that would be awesome, then I could back to drinking a fifth every night, I can't even handle a couple of beers anymore.

  8. Haha, These posts are too funny! Loved Gunner's appearance in your blog yesterday. Your boys are too cute!

  9. HAHAHAHAHA Colt, you made our days. I'm the second in line and the best thing about being the "baby" is you get anything you want. More mac and cheese ... all yours. You gotta master the fake cry so during these 2 hours of boredom, start flooding your eyes with tears and learn to belt it out!

    Loved this and I'm thinking we'll all be requesting more guest posts by you!

    P.S. I'd adopt you!

  10. I love this! Those boys are too precious!

  11. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!! I'm the baby of the fam Colt - let me tell you, you've got it better than the firstborn!! Rock on dude!

  12. Oh Colt, you are too much kid....too much! I mean you called your mom out on quite a few things here but hey I guess the truth comes straight from the kids mouth...I don't know who to believe anymore!!! Also, I am the baby of the family and trust me, being the baby of the family works out SO much better in the long run....you just have to work on your fake cries and blaming things on your brother, etc... It will come in time, you are kind of a little dude yet but you will learn soon enough and then it will be more like "Gunner who"!!!

  13. Sorry colty First borns always rule!

    You'll love those curls when you are older, trust me! Xoxo

  14. This.IS. PRICESLESS!! I love it, Colt is awesome! I'm the baby of three && let me just say, what it seems like they get all the attention, you can just sit back and watch & learn. They wil mess up... A LOT as the years go && you just take it all in. Older siblings are the best teachers! :)

    Awesome post, Raven - loved it!

  15. Raven... I'm CRYING over here. Seriously I have read this about 5 times, it's too damn funny.

  16. Hahaha!! Someone finally calls you out on your kids sleeping until 9!! Wait until gunner starts getting him up, or he does himself. If he weren't afraid it was a big black pit below him (since he can't see a thing) he probably would already! =)

  17. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhaha. That is all.

  18. And again, you are hilarious! Let's get real here Raven, those cute little boys are the star of your blog ;) Totally kidding but they are pretty dang cute!! Also, I chickened out on the vlog yesterday but I've decided that if ya'll make it a monthly thing then I will do it next time. Pinky promise :)

  19. Colt hunny....thank you for this post. It just further proves that Boomer needs to be an only child. However now that she sees that both you and your brother have a post, she is going to want to post on mine. So poo on you for that :)

  20. HAHAHAHA! Colt is precious!!! :) This is seriously literary gold. :)

  21. Colty, you can come to the East Coast and stay with me! Just make sure you bring your cowboy boots!

  22. Freakin hell Raven, you kill me. I LOVE This, Colt is hilarious!!! Seriously perfection.

  23. I look like I'm hyperventilating as I read this at my desk because I'm trying not to laugh out loud hysterically!

  24. This is amazing!!! I'm dying over here... "I'll wake you up by smacking you with the pancake paddle. Get up sugart*ts and make me some breakfast!"

  25. Hilarious. Just hilarious!!!

  26. Colt you are just as cute as your big brother. Just wait until you grow a little more the first born will be talking about mommys boy. I know I'm the youngest of my sisters and they always said not fair that I hit my way because I was the youngest. Good luck. I'll adopt you if need be. Zaiden would love you. You need to guest post more often!

  27. Aweee colt you are a doll! Too cute!

  28. HA-LAR-E-US! seriously funny! you've got some mad writing skills girl! I'm still laughing! xoxo

  29. OMG. Colt- I will SO adopt you. I don't even want kids {yet}, but for you I would make an exception. PS. I keep mac'n cheese stocked. It is a necessity. Haha.

  30. Dear Colt,
    Pants are overrated.


  31. Dear Colt,

    Between u and me u know u love going pantless! My girls do too, they LOVE it!! I'm sure!! I'll totally come adopt you!! That way u won't b suffering alone... Tell your Momma I love her and she can visit u whenever she wants, ya know as long as its after 9am. XOXO

    Your WannaBe Momma

  32. hilarious! your kids are so dang cute!

  33. OH M G I love this, I just found apparently the best mac'n'cheese recipe ev, so once I try it if it's really delish I'll share! Maybe.


  34. HYSTErICAL!!!!!! If Colt had speech bubbles in all the instagram pics I feel like he would be saying EXACTLY all of these things!

    Now go off and DON'T put pants on your kids. They've got the rest of their ever-loving lives to wear pants lol

  35. I hope you got the message loud and clear that this lil blog o yours makes my day. I might have peed a little. Not to mention my coworkers look at me like I am a full blown freak when I am tucked away in my cubicle busting up at your posts! Keep at it girl you are awesome! Not to mention I think you are raising two rock solid gents!


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