1.09.2014

Attack of the Husband

I have often wondered, what is it with husbands? What is their main malfunction, anyway? I mean, trying to get mine to stop at Starbucks to get me a coffee is harder than physics, and that's even when I'm in the car with him. If I call from home and ask him to bring me one? Forget about it. (I wonder if he forgets occasionally who his sex partner is...) 

Anyway, one of the hardest things to get my husband to do is take my damn picture. You'd think I asked him to fold the laundry or something but no, just please take my picture so I can, you know, put it on my blog. 

Sometimes he complies. Most of the time he doesn't. But when he does?

Well, let me just show you what results...

"hey hubs...will you take a picture of me and my friend?"

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"hey hubs, can you get a picture of me overlooking the caribbean ocean at night?"

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"hey hubs, could you maybe not take a picture of me in my bath towel?"

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"hey hubs, will you take a cute picture of me with my margarita?"

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"lemme see. that was horrible! Can you please try again?"

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"hey hubs, can you please take some pictures of me out on the dance floor? You know, those candid pics I love so much."

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no.

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no.

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no.

"hey hubs, can you take a picture of my friend and I since we are in Vegas and I want cute pics from the trip?"

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"can you please try to get my face in the next one?"

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"For crying out loud! Get my face in the picture this time!"

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"hey hubs, since this is our last night and I'm dressed all sorts of fancy, can you take my picture?"

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he was trying to get a shot from underneath my dress

"For the love! What do I have to do to get you to take a good picture? Can you at least aim the camera in my general direction?"

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That's it. No sex for you. 

Oh. And when he actually tries and gets a semi-decent shot?

IT'S ALWAYS BLURRY!!

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And then there's the self portraits. Of him and I.

Even then, I can't get a straight face.

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But the best part?

The best part is the pictures he takes himself. Totally unprovoked, unprompted.

When he takes it upon himself to photograph me without my asking.

Like the time I went in for surgery...

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or the time I fell asleep in the car...

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or yeah, that time...

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What an ass.

Him, not mine.

141 comments:

  1. Haha! so funny! My BF has the same malfunction... he tries when I ask him to take pictures, but when ever I do not pay attention there is another picture of my boobs or behind... not okay ;)

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  2. HAHAHAHAHA I know, right?! Men are the WORST when it comes to picture taking. I never have any good photos of myself from vacations if it's just the two of us. This post absolutely cracked me up! Your commentary (along with your hubby's photos) is spot on! Loved it.

    Hello from a fairly new follower! :)

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  3. This post just MADE MY DAY!!
    So so funny!
    Hi from a newish follower, Nic x

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  4. Hahaha this had me laughing so hard! What a great way to start Tuesday! Thanks Raven :)

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  5. haha, I love this. My hubby always gives me attitude when I want pictures, and he's terrible at using my iPhone for pictures! They always turn out blurry.

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  6. Too funny...but you better believe that if he wants me to take pictures for him (of a gun...of something he hunted...) he'll have me stand on a chair and take multiple pictures because "there are shadows and we need to take another one." LOL

    The worst (or best?) time was when my little boy and I fell asleep in the recliner and he took pictures! Not just one either...FOUR.

    Our joke that is if he didn't pick on me (or take funny pictures) that I would think he was up to something and/or didn't like me anymore.

    Thanks for the laughs!

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  7. Hahahahaha. Well it's clearly provocation to go buy an awesome DSLR camera, with tripod and remote.
    Problem solved.

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  8. Mine is the SAME way. I mean, wtf!?

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  9. Lol!! You are too funny!!

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  10. Haha... I always liked Rob. But to be fair, you didnt mention that you are living in a constant photoshoot. ;)

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  11. this really made my morning! haha, so funny. Thanks for sharing and not being so candid! It really is great when we can all just chuckle with each other.

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  12. hahahahahahaha! That was a good life for my morning read! Maybe you need to do 101 photography with him. LOL xoxo

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  13. Men are horrible at taking pictures. HORRIBLE! Even worse to try and get him IN one. I just tell him that some day he might be overweight and balding and he should want to take pictures now. I'm so sweet. Haha. As for taking them, I just gave up! Haha. Those pics are too funny!

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  14. oh sweet lord I laughed so hard at this!

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  15. Haha this was so funny! I laughed the whole time I was reading this. I have the same problem! I swear, men should not be allowed to have the camera!

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  16. Chad does that too....wtf?

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  17. It must be a husband thing because mine does the exact same thing!!!! And then wonders why I just do the "outstretched" arm pose and take my own damn picture!!

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  18. I am laughing so hard right now! My husband is the same way!

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  19. LOVE that you're totally cool with posting not-so-flattering-yet-hilarious pics of yourself. You just got yourself a new follower ;)

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  20. This is hilarious, but oh so true! Boys take the worst pictures! And mine totally photo bombs all the time when I ask him to be in a picture. What can do you with them though??

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  21. Oh Raven, this is probably one of my favorite posts to date. HILARIOUSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!! :D :D :D :D I love it! My boss is probably wondering what the heck I'm giggling at right now. Bahaha. Day IS MADE.

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  22. I laughed so hard at this post. My BF has the same problem!

    Oh well!

    XO Lourdes

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  23. Hahaha...hilarious!!! LOVE this post! My hubs takes the worst pictures too, it's just a husband thing I guess, lol!

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  24. My favorite is when he expects me to document everything else that HE wants documented ... askin me, "Hey, will you take a pic of this, this, this..." That, and wanting me to carry half of his shit in my purse.

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  25. omg I thought I wrote this post hahahha. My husband is THE WORST.

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  26. HAHAHA! My hubs insists on taking all the pics but they have to be perfect and edited and artsy fartsy or they cant go online...so I have to wait forever! So I just use the iphone or the snap and shoot...which annoys him because of the "poor quality" Oh husbands :)

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  27. bahaahahaha. Typical guy! I'd say you have quite the collection of horrible pictures taken by him from throughout the years!

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  28. oh my gahhhh hahahaha this just made my day!!!

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  29. hysterical. i feel your pain....I did not marry my husband for his photog skills, for sure.

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  30. I. Died. This is HILARIOUS! BAHAHA!! what a shit! M's pretty good about it, he'll even comply with the self photos of the 2 of us, and it's always him, because he has long orangutang-like arms. :)

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  31. That is hilarious and my husband is the same way... It pisses me off more than anything else he does, and all of our pictures together he has a pist off face... So 90% of my photos with him he looks mad... My son has even asked many times "why is dad so mad all the time" ha ha.... Men?

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  32. I laughed so hard! This was pure awesomeness :)

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  33. Pretty sure you just wrote a post for me, lol!! I was cracking up. My husband isn't into pics so when I ask him to take one of me and friends or whatever, he just starts firing away and I end up with about 10 unflattering, mouth open, mid-blink pictures and MAYBE one halfway-decent one!

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  34. HILARIOUS! At least he isn't the opposite-- armed and ready with a camera at all times ready to be your paparazzi-- that would be a little frightening. Sounds like you have a good man with a sense of humor :) loved this post!

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  35. I am rolling! Oh my gosh this is so funny.

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  36. RAVEN I AM CRYING. Holy crap I love your husband. and you of course hahahah this is perfect and the captions for it!! DAY MADE.

    this is like Kurt. he hates taking pics and hates being nice about being in pics and will mostly always have a grouchy looking face if provoked too much to take pics hahah

    and i was actually wondering/hoping you put the bum pic up there. save the best for last hahah HOTTIE BOOTY!!

    the towel pic kills me hahahah your face!!

    okay is your texting back?!?! I MISH YOU.

    xoxox

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  37. ahahahaha I LOVE this post!

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  38. hahahaha. this is my husband EXACTLY. I feel for you.

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  39. Ha. Story of my life. Except for ure hot buns!!

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  40. hahaha amazing!! and yes, i cannot get my bf to EVER make a normal face in a picture. whyyyyy do they do it???

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  41. Woman, you have got some balls of steel for being brave enough to post all of those pics of yourself! I literally burst out laughing (and ended up spitting all over my screen) at the asleep in the car pic. HILARIOUS!

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  42. OMG! This post is so true! My hubs hates taking pictures, and finds SO MUCH JOY in wrecking them. WHY!??!?! HAHA

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  43. Oh my goodness you are too funny!! I got a laugh out of your post. I stayed at the Encore last time I was in Vegas and it is my favorite hotel!!

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  44. My hubby bitches and moans, then takes a crappy picture! My 4 year old does better! I bet Gunz takes badass shots! Pictures, not drinks! ha!

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  45. This post made my morning!
    Thank you!!!

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  46. You are hillar.
    PS: Nice ass. Jealous, esp because you have had TWO kids. Giiiirl you fine!

    xx
    Liz

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  47. hahahahahah this is absolutely hilarious and so true. Guys are awful with a camera.

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  48. Bahahahaha! I'm dying! This is my husband too! It's like pulling teeth to get him to take a picture (without complaining anyway)! I really don't understand the big deal. And if they would just try a little harder to get a good one the first time, we wouldn't have to go through these photo shenanigans every.single.time! BAH!

    What I'm trying to say is, I feel you, dawg. Word.

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  49. so funny! I cannot believe you posted all those pictures. good job! I've read it twice today already. =)

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  50. HAHAHA Perfect! Sounds like my husband!

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  51. Haha that is too funny! At least your hubs has a great sense of humor :D

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  52. I have the same issues. 9 times out of 10 my bf won't take photos for me, but when he does, he messes them up, on purpose, badly BUT he always wants me to take photos of him and his friends. I then, purposely mess them up as well, but usually he's too drunk to notice, until the next day, when it's too late for a retake. Karma, my man, karma.

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  53. haha AWESOME post..... my husband does the exact same thing. Except he actually likes taking pictures.... of inanimate objects. But people? No way. ~Stephanie

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  54. Um…….. this was seriously awesome. So clever and funny and I LOVE yall!!! and it really is the worst when you finally get them to take a good picture and its blurry. SUCH A TEASE

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  55. Hahaha that post was amzing and so true of every husband im sure! I love that you shared those pics! I love your blog as always, always look froward to reading what you have to say!!!

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  56. Has to be a man thing.

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  57. This is fantastic. <3

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  58. My husband does the same thing, but worst part is... He thinks he takes great pics!

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  59. LOL

    All husbands must do this, mine sure does!

    That 2nd margarita pic of you is great!!

    xoxo

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  60. This made me giggle...a lot.

    We suffer from the same things...but I just delete all of the terrible ones he gets of me. Boob shots included haha...

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  61. Hahahaha Classic! So glad you shared and so true. I must admit, my boyfriend is slowly getting better. Now he just jokes and says he's going to create "art", yeah, because that's exactly what I sound like, not.

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  62. You have written some funny stuff before but this one made me laugh HARD and out loud. I can relate.

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  63. Mine is the same way. I have resorted to setting the camera on a damn timer.

    Nice ass btw! ;)

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  64. Oh my gosh, this need to go viral!! Ha ha! So hilarious!

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  65. This post is hilarious.

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  66. This was seriously hilarious. His pictures turn out like Reagan's .... haha.

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  67. HAHAH oh my gosh. I always seem to find myself taking a work break and reading your posts. I'm holding in my laughter about to piss my pants! This is too funny and something I'll also never get.

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  68. That has got to be the funniest, most hi--lar--ious blogs you've ever written!!! OMG! I was busting up laughting!!!!

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  69. The best post I have seen on a blog yet! This made me lol, I know the ladies at the office are looking at me all kinds of crazy. Thank you for sharing

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  70. SO freaking hilarious!! You sure can make me laugh!!! Love it!!!! ;)

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  71. Hahahaha oh my gosh you crack me up!!! This is so my husband lol!!! Great post! :)

    xo

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  72. This just made my day! My husband doesn't like taking pictures of me with my girlfriends either, and they turn out similar to yours! Ugh. Thanks for making me laugh!

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  73. bahahaha! hilarious!

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  74. This post seriously made my day!! My bf is a photographer so it's the exact opposite for me. I'm always like okay, enough with the pictures :)

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  75. hahaha ok the starbucks part is literally my life with my boyfriend & my mom. They loath going there. I literally have to bribe them to take me there if I happen to be with them & want a drink! Thank god the refreshers are back bc my mom is alllll about it now. Youd think she was miss starbucks are something now. my bf will take pictures of me with other people but getting him in the picture is like trying to hold an ice cube in 100 degree weather. its not gonna happen. at all. i really dont know what were going to do when we do get married w pictures, he literally hates it & to be honest every picture hes in he is NEVER looking at the camera. ahh it drives me crazy bc i LOVE taking pictures haha! but what blogger doesnt!?!? ok im writing a novel. im done. xoxo Kelly

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  76. this is amazingly hysterical. Like seriously, LOL funny...

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  77. This is too freaking funny. While it is freaking funny, It is SO damn true! Why are men like that. At least your hubs will take pictures with you I have to plead,beg,borrow and promise ridiculous favors to get my Hubs to take a picture with me and then after all that it is still a horrible picture. Ha!

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  78. This made me laugh out loud!!!!!!!

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  79. omgggggggg, I'm going to get fired for laughing so loud.

    boss: what are you laughing at?
    Me: UHHH nothing this excel spreasheet it hilarious!

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  80. RAVEN EFFING SMITH- this is the epitome of what I deal with!!!! I always get tons and tons of lovely pics of my BF doing all the things he does... and I get exactly these images in return. I even just sent him this linka nd said "this is SO YOU!" and he said it made him laugh out loud.

    I might have to do a post inspired by this... love it. Glad to know i'm not alone! :)

    muah!

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  81. L to the O to the L!!!!!!!!!!!! I totally know what you mean, but you have WAY better pictures to prove your case!! OM!!!! I am rolling here! Those pics are great! Tell him well done ;) Or, maybe not, that might encourage him!

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  82. That is too funny. That is quite a compilation of pictures you got there lady! I feel your pain!

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  83. hilarious!!! this cracks me up. love the dynamic between the two of you.

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  84. Yes, exactly. Sometimes I see these men following there woman around snapping thousands of pics of her, and I think what does she do for her man that I don't do for mine? MINE SUCKS in the pic departnment. Plus every single picture I have of the two of us together, he looks like he is in physical pain. I once had a friend ask me if he hated me, or if I was keeping him prisoner. It's bad....real bad.

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  85. Bravo to you for posting all of those! I immediately delete them if they suck. No sense in adding blackmail material to this world. And this reason (minus the husband) is why I bought a camera with a swivel screen. I snap that puppy around and pose away. :)

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  86. ahahha c'mon Raven, you know men are only good for sex! You have to get a good gay friend to take good pic of you!!

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  87. Omg I laughed... out loud... through this entire post.

    You're my favorite person on the planet.

    http://rissyblogs.blogspot.com/2012/07/dapper-dan.html

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  88. maybe my husband and him went to some sort of weird photography school together

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  89. this was NONSTOP laughter!! maybe he needs to take notes from u?

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  90. AnonymousJuly 18, 2012

    This made me laugh because my husband is the EXACT same way. He refuses to take nice normal pictures yet always seems to have the camera ready when I'm doing something embarassing or looking awful. Husbands, I tell ya!

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  91. This post is hilarious & so very true! :)

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  92. 100% true! Hilariously written! Love ALL the pics! Oh...and nice buns. New follower!

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  93. LOL...... omg I thought it was only my husband with the problem..... thank goodness I'm not the only one... love your blog :)

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  94. This is definitely a shoot-coffee-out-the-nose funny kind of post! Thanks for that! I needed to dust around the computer anyway. Still giggling..."Ass, him not mine"...bwahhahaha... (p.s. followed the link from BlogHer on Facebook)

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  95. This was so funny! T&A all day!

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  96. Best post I've read in a long time. Love it.

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  97. This is hilarious!! My husband does the same thing. He won't even look at the photo after he takes it and I'll be looking through the pics the next day and they will all be blurry!! Ahhh men.

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  98. AnonymousJuly 18, 2012

    so funny!!! The best ones are the photos taken without asking me....like hundreds of photos of me getting pounded by waves at the beach...love this.

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  99. ugh. i know what you mean... and THAT's why i'm divorced. ; )
    on another note. love this blog.
    and yet another note: do i get bonus points for being the 100th comment? maybe? no? eh.

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  100. Hilarious! Best post eva!

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  101. Oh this is priceless. I think it's a man thing. My boyfriend does the exact same thing, and getting a normal face out of him? Not gonna happen!

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  102. I popped over from the BlogHer sidebar, and I have to say, this is so hilarious, and also SO TRUE of my husband!

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  103. oh, I haven't laughed that hard in a while. Hilarious! Thanks I needed that!

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  104. literally cracked up over this :)

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  105. You make me laugh!! :) Miss you and your blog ... I promise to not be a stranger! xoxo, hot stuff!

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  106. This was hilarious!!! Totally sounds familiar!

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  107. Thanks for the good laugh! New follower :)

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  108. hahahaha, hilarious! sooo funny ... what is up with husbands? you would think since they are married to bloggers now they would know better. but no.

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  109. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!! Best post ever.

    My husband is the exact same way!!!! When I hand him a camera, you would think I had handed him a tampon. You are awesome for posting these pictures of yourself.

    And holy hot ass!! Hello?!?! Your ass is hot!

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  110. Beau is a HORRIBLE photographer too! It's like pulling teeth to get a decent picture from him. Men are jerks. That's all. I think I have a BAZILLION pics like yours but I am far less brave to post them. I am the most awful candid person ever. EVER. At least your boobs look good in all of them ;)

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  111. Bahahha! Hilarious! My husband is the same way! He always gets pictures of me talking or he misses my head or he points the camera in a totally different direction as if he doesn't see what he's supposed to be shooting!

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  112. HAHAHA OMG Raven. Seriously one of the best posts I've read. Men just do not get pictures and the ones that do honestly scare me and I wonder if they are gay. Not many manly men take non blurry photos. SERIOUSLY. SO ANNOYING. I have Billy on the "if you take a GOOD one first try then I'll stop" thing. seems to work for now. Until tomorrow...

    xoxo

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  113. Best laugh I've had in days!

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  114. I'm dying laughing right now. So priceless. I think that in #8 from the bottom you legit look like B. SPEARS!

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  115. This literally made me laugh.out.loud!

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  116. You. Are. Hilarious.

    And very photogenic.

    Obviously.

    :D

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  117. Omg Raven, I just died laughing reading this post. You are too funny!

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  118. Men are fucksticks. What more is there to say really.

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  119. Just found your blog! You are super funny!! This post is exactly how I feel about my husband when it comes to taking my pic!

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  120. OMG I love this! hahahahaha

    And this is basically what it's like when you give my mom a camera, except when she takes the picture she always looks at it after and says, "Ohhh that's a good one!". Then you look at it and one person isn't looking, someone has their eyes closed, and another has a mouthful of food. It's fun, really...

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  121. This post had me belly laughing. Why does he have to look like an axe murderer in his pics? Oh man, I don't blame you for cutting him off. I think I would too. No wonder we always end up with the self shot, from up above pics. So so funny, I may just have to subscribe after this!

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  122. OMG, not to be redundant but that is also my husband. For years when I handed him the camera he would hold it like a bomb and ask where the "picture button" was.......

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  123. Raven, I love your blog so much! Haha this post is sooo relatable! And you are just so real. Usually when I read blogs, I start feeling bad about mine and Steven's marriage because we usually aren't very blog worthy and perfect, but you make me feel sane!

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  124. Found you via Blog her! Love this, my husband SUCKS at taking photos!

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  125. Epic!!! Oh geez, how much do I love this post. I just had a baby and did I get a good picture of that special moment when I first held her?? No, it's blurry. Or there's the one I have a double chin and my eyes are closed. Vagina pics?? Oh yes, I have twenty.

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  126. im dying of laughter. the ones of you with your eyes closed are priceless. love them all.. love you Raven!!

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  127. This is my liiiife! Completely. My husband cannot take pictures of me, and as a blogger, I'm sort of relying on him to take at least decent ones sometimes. I've even framed a picture exactly correctly with him as the subject, told him exactly where to stand, switched spots, and it still turns out a blurry mess. Love him, love him, but damn, why is it so hard?

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  128. LOL! What a special guy he is! My husband is the same way with a camera. I love the photo of you sleeping. It made me snort. And the last photo is just priceless. HA!

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  129. this is hilarious! and you are a brave woman....I mean we all have these pics (NUMEROUS!!!) but to post them...I mean, blogger of the year. I am standing up and doing a slow motion clap for you right now! ;) XOXO

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  130. Yes you are right about men and cameras. The last picture is the kind of candid shot they really care about. Now if you ask them to take some pictures in the bedroom they become Andy Warhol, they will even correct the lighting and direct your poses

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  131. Priceless...just priceless. I totally want to bite your ass! I see your hiney, all white and shiny, you better hide it before I bite it ;)

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  132. I think we are spending too much time together by looking at these photos lol

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  133. LOLOLOL. dying.
    as my baby sleeps on my chest, my laughter is disturbing him.
    this is toooo good.

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