Sh*t My Kid Says



Me: Gunner you need to stop eating so much crap. It will make you throw up. Remember that one time on the boat when you ate too much crap and threw up all over daddy?
Gunner: No. Can you show me a picture of me throwing up all over daddy?
Me: I didn't take a picture of that.
Gunner: What?!?! You take pictures of everything!!

::After I picked Gunner up from school, and his teacher took me aside and said how Gunner had declared he was "going to work" and then walked over to her and...ahem...popped her ass.::
Me: Gunner. It is very inappropriate to pop your teachers ass. You can pop ass at home, but that's it. Everywhere else is off limits. Do you understand?
Gunner: Well what if teacher comes to our house? Can I pop her ass then?
Me: No.

Colt: Mom I want to play a game on your phone.
Me: No, not right now.
Colt: But mom I want to. You're playing a game on your phone.
Me: It's not a game it's Candy Crush and if you make me lose one more time I will orphan you.

Me: So Gunner tell me, what did you learn in school today?
Gunner: Nothing.
Me: Oh. Wow. Sounds pretty interesting.
Gunner: It wasn't interesting! I hate school!
Me: Ok then.
Gunner: I didn't learn about the planets and the earth and the solar system and teacher would only let me have one snack and I'm mad!
Me: I'm mad too. Starbucks was out of their spinach feta wraps. 

Colt: Mom I want some juice-y.
Me: No honey you've had enough juice-y for today.
Colt: Mommy I! Said! I! Want! Some! JUICE-Y!!!
Me: Then get a job and go buy your own juice-y!
Colt: No mom! I can't get a job 'cause I'm still a baby... {whimpers}
Me: Yes my little angel, you're right. Here. Drink the whole juice-y.

Gunner: Sometimes I don't like sharing my toys.
Me: Well, then you won't have many friends in life.
{short silence}
Gunner: Is that why-
Me: Go to your room! You're in timeout.

::When I was in a pinch to get Gunner dressed and out the door as we were way late for school::
Gunner: I hate this shirt! This is a girl shirt.
Me: No it's not, it's a unisex shirt.
Gunner: What is a unisex shirt?
Me: It means it's appropriate for both girls and boys.
Gunner: But it has a princess on it.
Me: That's not a princess. It's just a really pretty boy who grew his hair out long.
Gunner: He has boobs.

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  1. hahahaha,,
    man, candy crush. i'm addicted too.

  2. "A very pretty boy with boobs. And you don't even have girls!! Where did this shirt come from!? "Popping ass is only appropriate in our house." And by the way, I'm sort of in love with this term, "popping ass!" Gunner looks A LOT like you. I saw pictures of your immediate family from your sister's wedding photos you posted and you all share that similar look.. Gunner has it too.

  3. But seriously...when Starbucks is out of spinach feta wraps!!!!

  4. I die. Your kids are the CUUUUTTEEESSSTTT things EVER!!

  5. You have some great kids! How funny!

  6. hahahhaha dying. I'd be mad if Starbucks ran out of spinach feta wraps too. They should plan better.

  7. Hahaha this cracks me up!

  8. bahahaha on the shirt with boobs...really to everything. ah, kids...

  9. This needs to become a weekly thing. Gunner's sass needs to be shared with the world.

  10. I just stumbled across your blog and I won't lie, this post had me hooked and I read another 3-4 straight away! And that is saying something as I did initially think 'eeekk kid stuff, how can I relate?'. But it didn't even matter, you had me chuckling away!

    Gunner sounds hilarious, I hope my future kids have this kind of personality and relationship with me.

  11. Omg....can you please have a reality show???
    I'm the same way about candy crush. "Lennox I'm reeeeeally busy doing something important on my phone!"

  12. I want to be an orphan so you can adopt me! I want to be cool like your kids ;) I'm.dying. ova'ere!

  13. It ruins my day when Starbucks is out of the Spinach Feta Wraps

  14. The last two literally almost made me spew liquid out of my nose! Thank you for the MUCH needed laugh.

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