4.24.2013

I Am My Husband's Girlfriend

picture from a weekend in vegas

Men are simple.

As this post is going to be.

I am my husband's girlfriend. Not just his old hag wife of 9+ years. And I have concluded that in almost twelve years of being together, there are three key ingredients to a successful relationship.

1. Feed him.
Make him a damn sandwich, and don't make him ask twice.

2. Have sex with him.
Often and don't use it as a tool.

3. Don't bitch.
Ever.

So what did we learn today?

Feed him, f*#k him and shut up.

You're welcome.

*post originally published on Sabrina's blog

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62 comments

  1. Bahahaha!!
    I see the makings of a t-shirt there with 'feed him, f€ck him and shut up' in front and 'how to be happilly married' on back
    Bam!

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  2. Very cute - I like it! I'm going to send it to my husband.
    My mama's advice, "Don't get fat and keep the home fires burnin."

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  3. And this probably sums up why i'm not married. I've been doing it wrong.

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  4. haha...amen! Getting married next weekend, but have lived with my future hubs for the past 9 months. I always make sure he eats (he usually doesn't even have to ask), he gets plenty of you know what ;) and I try not to bitch (that's the hardest one! ha).

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  5. For a simple as these rules are, they are very true. Hanna

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  6. You know how I feel about this topic... Dr. Laura, what what!!

    My mom used to be a hospital chaplain. She was once visiting with a dying woman in her 90's. She had been married to the love of her life for OVER 70 years... My mom asked her how? How did you stay so happily married for soooooo long, etc. etc? (my parents have been married for nearly 40) Her answer "KEEP HIS BELLY FULL AND HIS BALLS EMPTY!" A 95 year old woman... on her death bed!!! Bahahaha... best. advice. ever!

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    Replies
    1. HAHA! "Belly full and his balls empty." Best advice indeed.

      Raven, you are so wise, my friend. So wise.

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    2. Oh my....love that! Belly full and balls empty - best advice eva!

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    3. Belly full and balls empty -- perfect! So funny!

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  7. Men are very simple and I love your rules!

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  8. You need to call your boy Dr. Phil. You could be a guest star with this relationship advice! I would be the first in line for tickets to the show.

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  9. hahahah this is AWESOME

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  10. you are spot on. love it.

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  11. haha love this! So true! Love what Kate had to say, ha!

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  12. Ha! Perfect! I am not much of a bitch-er, so I am doing stuff right.

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  13. All sound advice. Too bad it's not always that simple!

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  14. Seriously? I think you're a fly on the wall in our home. [SCORE!]

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  15. this is perfection.
    except sometimes i ignore mine.
    tends to get me more attention. which isn't exactly what i set out to get.

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  16. I cannot explain how hard I laughed at this. Shown to husband, he says "I like that girl."

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  17. Sooooo true!! No wonder you have been married for so long ha ha love you Raven!!

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  18. This is so freaking true hahaha Love it.

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  19. You're a better wife than me! I don't cook, f#@k, or keep quiet. It's a wonder my husband hasn't left me yet. I do bring home the bacon though. That's gotta count for something. Although I can guarantee that if I promised to f#$k every day he would let me quit in a heartbeat. Just like you said, men are simple.

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  20. Great post! I'm pretty sure this is how my fiance fell in love with me and why we are still together! He would totally appreciate this post and thank you! I do make his lunch everyday.. his breakfast on the weekends (and although it makes me mad-- I let him sleep in when I know that our beautiful beaches are calling our names), and his dinner almost every night!

    ugottahavehart.blogspot.com

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  21. HAHHAHA the last line, I die.

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  22. I am absolutely in love with your blog. You somehow say everything that is on my mind. Trying to get my blog going more and you are my inspiration.

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  23. I am single because:
    #2 is pretty much the only one of these I'm interested in.

    Bye.

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  24. Having been happily married now for 28 years I can tell you, with this advice, you're bound to be married a long time to this lucky guy! "Don't bitch" doesn't mean don't say what's on your mind though...just do it with respect and ask for what you want. Men can't read minds any better than we can! :) Keep up the good work. Oh, and just to add, we had only known each other for 3 months before we tied the knot. Score!

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  25. these comments are so great. i looooooove it

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  26. I love that you simplify it like this! It's really not hard to make your husband happy and it's something you should never stop trying to do!

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  27. Absolutely LOVE you!! I mean, seriously, no one gives better advice. As a single girl trying to figure out why my relationships fail...I'm usually only interested in #2, do too much of #3 and can't get #1 right to save my life! But with the new motto, "Feed 'em, F**k 'em, and shut up" and "Keep his belly full and balls empty" this new relationship should be a breeze!! ;)

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  28. Awesome and so True!

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  29. hahah I just laughed so hard...sad to say but it is true!

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  30. This is hilarious, but I have a hard time imagining that you are able to take your own advice on the last one very well ;)

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  31. LOL, no wonder my man hasn't put a ring on it (yet) -- I've fallen short in all three categories.

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  32. but it just seems so complicated.... jk :) you are a smart woman! xo

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  33. I just read this out loud to my husband, and he has the biggest shit eating grin I've ever seen.

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  34. Yep, that just about sums it up.
    Cortne
    cocoinmagnolia.com

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  35. Just read this out loud to Chris, he chuckled and said,
    "yeah. she's got that spot on."

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  36. Ha ha! This definitely hits the nail on the head.

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  37. Totally laughing!!! You are an honest mama - love it!! So refreshing to see a blogger that isn't afraid to drop a bad word. Hee hee!

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  38. AMEN!!! If this ain't the truth, I just dont know what is :)

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  39. So this post just earned you a new follower. HAHA!

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  40. Hahahahahhaha & this is why I love you

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  41. Hilarious. And probably true.
    Being your husband's girlfriend really is the way to go to keep the relationship from going stale. I have a friend who has been married for 10+ years and has this philosophy. Go Raven!

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  42. Love your honesty!! I'm pretty sure you know what you're doing ;) should show my fiancé!

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  43. this is why you are awesome! love it!

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  44. Haha.. This is awesome! Definitely need to work on all these three things. Maybe I'll start tonight ;p Great post!

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  45. I just forwarded this on to all of my female co-workers. You got a big thumbs up from everyone.

    I'm so glad you didn't get any backlash on this. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to keep your man happy. If your man has nothing to complain about, you probably wont either because he wont be messing with your stuff.

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  46. Have to say that my guy & I share that same philosophy. And it works both ways for us. What I find curious is the surprising number of women to whom it doesn't seem to apply. Enjoying the blog. Thanks for the humour! :-)

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