'Sup boo thangs.
Ok so check it. The other day I woke up extra super early, like nine in the morning, and I've learned enough in my four short years not to wake the beast, so I tiptoed downstairs, quiet as a mouse and made myself a bowl of cereal: one bag of M&Ms I mean two and a half bags of M&Ms plus a little splash of milk and there you have it a breakfast of champions.
After I eated all my cereal, I decided I had to pee. So I went outside and let her fly off the deck patio. It was a nice morning, relaxing, the view was a'ight and for once, the neighbors weren't staring at me like I was some reject boxcar child or somefing.
After I did my bidness, I decided I wanted to watch some cartoons, so I turned on South Park. Cartman is my fave, obviously, because of this episode, but also because he's extremely politically incorrect. I'm not even sure what that means, I've just heard mommy say it's what pays the bills around here and I love me some dolla dolla bills -- holla! -- so by default he's my favoritist.
After my morning slash afternoon cartoons, I decided I wanted a mommy, so I reluctantly shimmied the padlock on her bedroom door, bracing myself with my plastic Batman shield and face mask. I slowly pandered up to her bed, shaking like a leaf, thinking, "damn Gina! If something goes wrong, I can claim 'child prop!' and hopefully get sent to a non-mommy blogger home."
Except, no. Mommies who don't blog are weird. They are like, ashamed of their kids or somefing. I pooped three times today and wiped my own butt. And you better believe that is newsworthy!
But what happened next is the clincher. See, as I was inching closer and closer to mommy's side of the bed, I was just about to wang chung her ass when I spotted it.
The cheetos!?! Under mommy's bed?! But! But! She said they were all gone! Blasphemy! The shame! The lies, all the lies, and the hurt and anger and disappointment that is now my life.
All those times I asked if I could have some cheetos with my flamin' hot cheeto puffs…
That's it, I'm moving to grannies.