Shit My Kid Says

4.14.2014

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Gunner: Can I say bad words?
Me: No.
Gunner: Well Tanner cusses, I hear'd him. So if he can, then I can.
Me: That's bullshit. And if you say that again, I'll pop your ass.

Gunner: Can we go to McDonalds and get a happy meal?
Me: No.
Gunner: Whyyyyyyyyyy?
Me: Because McDonalds will kill you.
Gunner: He will?!
Me: I mean the chicken nuggets will kill you.
Gunner: They will?!
Me: Yes. 
Gunner: But…the chicken nuggets are so…small.
Me: YOU EAT THEM YOU DIE.

Colt: Mom?
Me: What.
Colt: Mom??
Me: What.
Colt: Mommy?
Me: WHAT.
Colt: Ummm…mom? Mom?
Me: My God WHAT kid spit it out!!!!
Colt: Nuffing. I mean, I just love you. 
Me: Oh. Thanks.
Colt: That's all I wanted to say.
Me: (hangs head in shame)

Gunner: Today in school we learned about fairness.
Me: And what did you learn about being fair?
Gunner: That we all have a job to do and it's our job to do our own job and we shouldn't expect anyone else to do our job for us because we need to do our own job.
Me: Damn I love Republican teachers.

Gunner: I want to play soccer.
Me: Soccer is boring.
Gunner: You're boring.
Me: No, watching you play soccer would be boring.
Gunner: Watching you watch Dr. Phil all day is boring.
Me: Touche. Soccer it is.

Colt: Mommy, I'm a kitty.
Me: Awww. I love kitties.
Colt: Mom, kitty wants a cookie.
Me: Son, mommy wants a Ferrari.

Gunner: Mommy, what's breakfast?
Me: What do you mean?
Gunner: Some of the kids in my class talk about breakfast.
Me: Breakfast is a fable. It's make-believe. Breakfast is for kids whose mommies get up at the ass crack of dawn and make them nasty lumpy pancakes and give them gag-inducing pulpy juice and then those mommies are monsters all day long because they are over-stressed and over-tired and are just bad, evil people.
Gunner: Is that why you are the best mommy ever? Because you sleep 'til lunchtime?
Me: God bless you child.
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31 comments:

  1. The Girl who Loved to WriteApril 15, 2014

    Best round yet.

    ReplyDelete
  2. The Grits BlogApril 15, 2014

    OMG DYING AT MY DESK! HA! Thanks girl for daily dose of laughter.

    ReplyDelete
  3. ChloeApril 15, 2014

    Thank god it's not just my child that doesn't eat breakfast. I feel terrible about it but shit there's no fucking time in the morning!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Cupcakes and CrossbonesApril 15, 2014

    HAHA! This made my day! I think we need to be friends

    ReplyDelete
  5. Janna ReneeApril 15, 2014

    Sometimes I feel like these have to be made up, because your kids are too smart. lol

    ReplyDelete
  6. CathyApril 15, 2014

    "Watching you watch Dr. Phil is boring." Best comeback ever by a kid.

    ReplyDelete
  7. JennyApril 15, 2014

    This is more like shit Raven says

    ReplyDelete
  8. Meredith @ Barbell WardrobeApril 15, 2014

    crying!

    ReplyDelete
  9. BeccaApril 15, 2014

    The breakfast bit is killing me. So funny.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Kellee the CaffeinatedApril 15, 2014

    I about just pissed myself!!! Hilarious!

    ReplyDelete
  11. RachelApril 15, 2014

    Ha! Me: did the boys have breakfast? You: not the one that went to school today

    ReplyDelete
  12. jessicaApril 15, 2014

    I am dying. This is my favorite one to date. More like "Shit Mommies Say"

    ReplyDelete
  13. Kenzie SmithApril 15, 2014

    These are hilarious!

    ReplyDelete
  14. BamawhitneyApril 15, 2014

    This is FANTASTIC!

    ReplyDelete
  15. slayerApril 15, 2014

    This is not really related to your post subject, but a previous one to the woman who said that being a stay at home mom was a pathetic job. Watch this video...

    http://youtu.be/HB3xM93rXbY

    ReplyDelete
  16. Kristen @ The Saltwater CureApril 15, 2014

    Love it. :P Kids are so smart/clever/funny.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Kym @ Travel BabblesApril 15, 2014

    I think you need to Vlog with these little McNugget ;)

    ReplyDelete
  18. Hanna LeiApril 15, 2014

    These are so funny -Hanna Lei

    ReplyDelete
  19. PamelaApril 17, 2014

    bahahah! The soccer/Dr Phil one is hilarious!

    ReplyDelete
  20. Kay R.April 19, 2014

    Too funny! Both you and your kids haha

    ReplyDelete
  21. Julia D.May 20, 2014

    It's posts like these that make me wonder why you don't already have your own show. TLC get on thisss.

    ReplyDelete
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