Gunner: Can I say bad words?
Gunner: Well Tanner cusses, I hear'd him. So if he can, then I can.
Me: That's bullshit. And if you say that again, I'll pop your ass.
Gunner: Can we go to McDonalds and get a happy meal?
Me: Because McDonalds will kill you.
Gunner: He will?!
Me: I mean the chicken nuggets will kill you.
Gunner: They will?!
Gunner: But…the chicken nuggets are so…small.
Me: YOU EAT THEM YOU DIE.
Colt: Ummm…mom? Mom?
Me: My God WHAT kid spit it out!!!!
Colt: Nuffing. I mean, I just love you.
Me: Oh. Thanks.
Colt: That's all I wanted to say.
Me: (hangs head in shame)
Gunner: Today in school we learned about fairness.
Me: And what did you learn about being fair?
Gunner: That we all have a job to do and it's our job to do our own job and we shouldn't expect anyone else to do our job for us because we need to do our own job.
Me: Damn I love Republican teachers.
Gunner: I want to play soccer.
Me: Soccer is boring.
Gunner: You're boring.
Me: No, watching you play soccer would be boring.
Gunner: Watching you watch Dr. Phil all day is boring.
Me: Touche. Soccer it is.
Colt: Mommy, I'm a kitty.
Me: Awww. I love kitties.
Colt: Mom, kitty wants a cookie.
Me: Son, mommy wants a Ferrari.
Gunner: Mommy, what's breakfast?
Me: What do you mean?
Gunner: Some of the kids in my class talk about breakfast.
Me: Breakfast is a fable. It's make-believe. Breakfast is for kids whose mommies get up at the ass crack of dawn and make them nasty lumpy pancakes and give them gag-inducing pulpy juice and then those mommies are monsters all day long because they are over-stressed and over-tired and are just bad, evil people.
Gunner: Is that why you are the best mommy ever? Because you sleep 'til lunchtime?
Me: God bless you child.