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2.28.2014

I am not the kind of mom who:

*wakes up early and makes her kids breakfast. And I don't feel the least bit guilty about it. My kids are my alarm clock and even then, I usually banish them to the freeway until I'm good and ready to get up.

* is sentimental. My kids bring home all sorts of papers and "crafts" from school every day and it's "oh how cute!" and then straight into the garbage it goes. No I don't keep them and hang them on the fridge and no I don't have a special drawer for them to go. I mean… egads! Clutter!

* gives a shit if my boys want to paint their nails: pink, glitter or glittery pink. 

* enjoys playing board games with my kids. I would rather scrape my eyes with toothpicks than play Candyland. That's what grandparents are for.

* goes by the "rules" that "those people" profess. No bottle after age one? No paci after two? Kids shouldn't mix your cocktails and don't lock them in their rooms with tin foil over their windows so they don't know day from night? Only one person makes the rules in my house and it isn't Dr. Spock. (Real quick, with the tin foil, make sure you get every single inch covered so not even a sliver of light shines through. Trust me, it makes a huge difference.)

I am the kind of mom who:

* will always rush to my kids when they are crying and hold them as long as they want. Their dad can be the one to say "brush it off, throw some dirt on it and you're fine."

* will not let my kids puss out. They don't want to go down the ski hill? Too bad. They don't want to ride the inner tube? Too bad. They want an easy ride being pulled behind the 4-wheeler? Not gonna happen. Scare the life out of them on purpose? Absofreakinglutely. I've said it once or twice but mama ain't raising no pussies. 

* sends them to timeout in their bedroom and then accidentally forgets about them on purpose.

* will never allow my child to get bullied. If you are the parent of a child who is bullying mine? You better handle it chop-chop or I will.

* has a zero tolerance rule in our home for bullying. If I find out one of my precious angels is causing another person strife in that way, life as they know it will be over. Like a bat outta hell…

* tells my boys "I love you" about fifty times a day, kisses them on the mouth still and stares at them while they are sleeping. 

* finds it just a littttttttttle bit easier to love my kids when they don't look like total dweebs. Sorry not sorry but it's true. See

* reads my boys two books every night before they go to bed. Every single. Never miss a one.
 
* uses my kids to get out of speeding tickets. Whenever I get pulled over (not that it happens, like, a lot or anything) I say to them real quick before the officer approaches, "now, as soon as you see the police man at my window, start shouting 'we love the police! I want to be a policeman when I grow up! Blue is a good color on you! Please don't give my mommy a ticket, she can barely afford to take me to Hawaii again this year!'"

Works every time.

Curtsy. 

29 comments:

  1. I feel like I'm going to have the hardest time pretending the construction paper crafts and the handprint paintings are even remotely impressive.

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  2. I have read your blog for quite sometime but never have commented. This post was amazing! I love the way you raise your kids. I know they are going to grow up to be the sweetest boys ever who don't take no shit ;) just like you!

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  3. OMG this was hilarious!!! I had to read it outloud to Tbone!!!!! Looove it!

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  4. Hahaha Hawaii again this year. Love it. I like your style. People should MYOB when it comes to other peoples' kids.

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  5. I looooooooooove reading them books at night when I'm there! and I'm happy they want me to read to them =) =)

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    1. oh and gunz must have learned how to put his shorts on from dad or I guess to him it's grandpa. ;)

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  6. Adore! We seem to have very similar parenting styles ;)

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  7. I'm with Kenyon, I read your blog often and never comment but I connected with you so much on so many of these points! I'm seriously going to try your tactic for getting out of tickets! Thanks for sharing.
    Brittany @ Everyday Thoughts

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  8. I ABSO-FREAKIN' LOVE YOU!!!

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  9. You and I have a lot in common, parenting wise.

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  10. All those temporary tattoos are hilarious! -Hanna Lei

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  11. HAHA this is hilarious!! I want to be a cool mom like you with my kids, I love that you are teaching them to be strong for themselves and don't take any crap either!

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  12. Yes to the bullying!!! I mean, along with everything else :) my children will never have chalk or chalkboards. Just the thought of those two things gives me chills.

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  13. It takes a lot of balls :-) to put yourself out there like this, the truth is we all have our own different views as how to raise our children and the most important thing we give them plenty of love....I am not a perfect mom either, I am kinda a lazy mom, They play with each other I dont have the patience to play with them :-(

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    1. Seriously? That's sad. When you're old and their all grown up, I bet you'll wish you had played with them. And they will remember that you didn't.

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  14. So... no bullying, unless the other kids have red hair and should therefor kill themselves. Got it. ;)

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  15. You don't want your kids to puss out but then you are against people bullying them? Yeah going down a ski hill without fear is so much more important than learning how to deal with assholes. And "dweebs"? Honestly, I love your honestly, but your kid either looks like he's going to grow up as a 40 year old perv offering little girls candy or a future douchecanoe...depending on which snapshot you look at. I do suppose that he will make out better as a douchcanoe seeing how his dad obviously knows how to make money and will impart that onto him...so that will all cancel out...

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    1. Really? You put down a CHILD??!! Shows what kind of person you are. Who are you to say that a CHILD looks like either a future child molester or a future douchecanoe? Shame. On. You.

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    3. She's the one saying she doesn't/wouldn't love her kids as much if they looked nerdy or ugly. Or if they had red hair...I just hope with all of this bragging about outfits, her kid isn't the one with the annoying sounding lisp pronouncing words wrong and unable to read. No excuse for that, especially with her ass home all day.

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    4. Well then attack her, don't attack the child! Geesh. What kind of an adult bullies/talks crap about a child?! You are an adult, come on now!

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    5. I was commenting on clothing. Obvs the kid was too young to dress himself and she dressed him like a lil asshole. No reflection on the kid.

      What kind? Probably Raven, over cocktails. Most parents probably make fun of other people's kids. If you aren't that type, you probably shouldn't be reading this blog, because it isn't for "nice" people.

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    6. I've read the blog for years.... but I have never heard of an adult refer to someone's child as a douchecanoe or a child molester. Regardless whether it was about clothing, maneurisms, the child themself or whatever.... and I am a parent.

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  16. Love the way you M-O-M :)

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  17. OMG, you crack me up all the time. I too HATE board games and going to the park...ugh!!!!

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  18. I love this. I laugh so hard at everything you write. You seem to be raising great boys!

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  19. I'm all for your type of parenting! You should write a parenting book, lol.

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