Shit My Husband Says

4.29.2014


Rob: I have an idea for a blog post for you.

Me: what.

Rob: Well, I'm sitting there at the stoplight, and you know how when you sit at stoplights, you don't make eye contact with the other drivers next to you? Like, it's kind of uncomfortable to make eye contact?

Me: ok.

Rob: And then when the light turns green and everyone starts driving again, if you and the person next to you is going the same speed, one of you will usually speed up, because it's like, uncomfortable to be right next to someone else?

Me: ok.

Rob: That's it.

Me: How do you expect me to write a decent blog post about that?

Rob: I don't know, you can spin it or something or whatever it is you do.

Me: That seriously is a terrible idea for a blog post.

Rob: Oh, but you writing about your boobs and ass all the time is good blog material, right?

Me: YES.

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Me: Hey, remember when you took that mexican viagra and all it did was give you a massive headache for 12 straight hours?

Rob: Yes. Why?

Me: No reason. I just freaking love that story.

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Me: Remember when we used to make out like teenagers?

Rob: Remember when you didn't suck the ever living life out of my soul?

Me: Yeah, I actually do. Guess you shouldn't have sold that Mercedes convertible now, huh?

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Me: Can you buy me another Mercedes convertible?

Rob: No.

Me: Why?

Rob: Because.

Me: Because why?

Rob: Raven stop asking me stupid questions.

Me: Well actually it's not a stupid question. You lured me in with a Mercedes convertible and then once you got me pregnant, you sold it.

Rob: I sold it because you were pregnant and we needed a bigger car. And I bought you an SUV.

Me: Well I'm not pregnant anymore and I want a convertible.

Rob: Bite me.

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And if you missed it or don't follow me on instagram… a quick convo between me and the hubs...



Circle of life.

#truth

Shit My Kid Says

4.14.2014


Gunner: Can I say bad words?
Me: No.
Gunner: Well Tanner cusses, I hear'd him. So if he can, then I can.
Me: That's bullshit. And if you say that again, I'll pop your ass.

Gunner: Can we go to McDonalds and get a happy meal?
Me: No.
Gunner: Whyyyyyyyyyy?
Me: Because McDonalds will kill you.
Gunner: He will?!
Me: I mean the chicken nuggets will kill you.
Gunner: They will?!
Me: Yes. 
Gunner: But…the chicken nuggets are so…small.
Me: YOU EAT THEM YOU DIE.

Colt: Mom?
Me: What.
Colt: Mom??
Me: What.
Colt: Mommy?
Me: WHAT.
Colt: Ummm…mom? Mom?
Me: My God WHAT kid spit it out!!!!
Colt: Nuffing. I mean, I just love you. 
Me: Oh. Thanks.
Colt: That's all I wanted to say.
Me: (hangs head in shame)

Gunner: Today in school we learned about fairness.
Me: And what did you learn about being fair?
Gunner: That we all have a job to do and it's our job to do our own job and we shouldn't expect anyone else to do our job for us because we need to do our own job.
Me: Damn I love Republican teachers.

Gunner: I want to play soccer.
Me: Soccer is boring.
Gunner: You're boring.
Me: No, watching you play soccer would be boring.
Gunner: Watching you watch Dr. Phil all day is boring.
Me: Touche. Soccer it is.

Colt: Mommy, I'm a kitty.
Me: Awww. I love kitties.
Colt: Mom, kitty wants a cookie.
Me: Son, mommy wants a Ferrari.

Gunner: Mommy, what's breakfast?
Me: What do you mean?
Gunner: Some of the kids in my class talk about breakfast.
Me: Breakfast is a fable. It's make-believe. Breakfast is for kids whose mommies get up at the ass crack of dawn and make them nasty lumpy pancakes and give them gag-inducing pulpy juice and then those mommies are monsters all day long because they are over-stressed and over-tired and are just bad, evil people.
Gunner: Is that why you are the best mommy ever? Because you sleep 'til lunchtime?
Me: God bless you child.