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5.10.2012
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what? he wanted to be in there...

It's no secret that we live in the boons. So when those people go door-to-door selling God knows what, I often try to act like I'm not home. Especially if the hubs is out. Unfortunately, on this certain day, I was eagerly waiting for something from UPS, so when the doorbell rang, I sprung it open and there he was, Edgar, in all his shining glory, holding a vacuum cleaner, wanting to "clean a stain in my home for free. No obligation to buy anything, no pressure, no nothing." 

No pressure my ass.

I know better. I knew that if I let him clean my carpet, it would be all, "see how well that stain came out? This is the most magical formula in the world, it's like, top secret. It usually sells for $250 but I am going to give it to you for the bargain basement price of $49.99!"

no.

Ok, so will that be check or credit card?

I said no.

Well, I guess I can make an exception this time and accept cash.

I said no you moron.

No? NO?! Why not? Why you gotta be so rude? I see two nice cars out in the driveway, you're saying you can't even afford $49.99 to help out the less fortunate?

I swear to you, that above statement? Totally happened to me in real life. Dimwit actually tried to guilt me into buying his crap by pointing out that I had a nice car sitting in front of my house. And then he called me rude! A salesman at his finest.

Anyway. Back to my story. Edgar did indeed want to clean my carpet (hey now) but since I am older and wiser, I wasn't letting him inside my house. But here's something about myself that you may not know. I tend to be a people-pleaser (gasp! shock! I know...) and instead of telling Edgar to just flip off and go get a real job, I nicely said "actually, now isn't a good time. My husband is gone (crap Raven! Crap! Why would you say that?!) and the kids are in the bath (really?!) so I'm kind of busy."

But you know Edgar. He wasn't giving up that easy. And so it began...  

"Are you sure? It won't take me long, just a few minutes, and then you'll have clean carpets! Ok, so if now isn't a good time, can I come back later today? What time works for you? You just let me know, I can come back whenever."

And since I'm so brilliant (and a people-pleaser, remember?) I said, "fine. How about 4 pm?"

Four? If you say 4, I'll be back here then. You sure you're gonna be here and you aren't just telling me this to get me to go away, and then when I show back up no one will be home?"

You're a f#@cking genius.

"Nope! I'll be here at 4. Swear."

You all know I planned to be long gone by then. Would have worked out perfect, right?

That darn Edgar. He came back at 3:30 pm sharp. Right as I was starting to get the kids together to walk out the front door. Gunner looks out our floor-to-ceiling front window, spots him and says, "hey! Who is that man out there?"

And right then and there, it happened.

My defining moment. 

Time where I had to choose: sink or swim.

I knew he had seen us through the window, but I didn't care. I grabbed both kids by their shirts, ran into the master closet, turned off the lights and said in my most scary mom voice ever, "we have to be very, very quiet. There is a very bad man outside and we need to stay here and not move until he goes away."

Of course, inquiring minds want to know, so little Gunner asks, "why is he here at our house? What does he want, momma?"

"He wants to vacuum our carpets. But daddy isn't here so we can't let him in, because something bad could happen to us if we do. He might hurt us real bad."

"Oh..... Ok."

And we sat there, in that closet, while Edgar rang the doorbell, over and over, yelling, "Hello! I saw you in the window! Why you gotta do this to me? I had to drive a long ways to get out here! Are you kidding me right now?"

All the while, I'm constantly reminding my boys, "don't say a word! Don't make a peep! I'm serious. You know those monsters you are scared of in your closet at night? This is way worse."

Thank the good Lord above that the door was locked, because I honestly was thinking he might just walk inside and force himself on my carpet, demand that I let him get out a stain and never leave until I paid him for the magical formula.

Sidenote: That whole entire above sentence could totally be taken the wrong way.
End sidenote.

Finally, after about five minutes, Edgar gave up and went away. I slowly peaked out the window just to make sure, and sure enough, I saw his van pulling out of the driveway.

I would love to say that this was the end of the story, and all was well from then on.

But I said this was another example of how I screw up my kids. 

How, exactly, did I manage that?

Well, for weeks after this incident, Gunner would wake up in the middle of the night, crying, because he "had a nightmare that the bad man with the vacuum was coming to get him."

Eff. I totally sunk that one.


65 comments:

  1. I HATE sales people. I hate it even more that my boyfriend is one.

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  2. Raven!!! HAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!! We need to start a support group for us "people pleasers" I'm the same way! Damn them rude salesmen! XOXO ;)

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  3. Bahahaha. Poor Gunner and his nightmares. Well, he should know that door to door salesmen are scary peeps.

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  4. HAHAHA!!!! OMG That is hilarious.

    I'm such a people pleaser too. Just yesterday, I was home alone with the dog and a guy comes by and asks to cut our grass. I said, my husband wasn't home (I have NO idea why I said), and that I would have to ask him. He said, should he come back and I told him in 30 minutes. Well, my husband got home and was in army uniform and the doorbell rang. HAHAHA! Hubby said the guy was so nervous and couldn't talk without mumbling.

    Get this. We have a mower and I know this. LOL

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  5. I hate door to door sales people. I'm good for just letting them knock until they realize I'm not answering. Unless of course one of the boys sees or hears then they will yell at the top of their lungs that someone is at the door!

    The Jehovas Witnesses are worse though. I have one who comes to my house every couple of weeks. I made the mistake of answering the door one time and as we were talking I said that I had cancer. Now she comes all the time. She comes to my block just to come to my house. I've watched from the window she'll park in front, just come to my house then get back in her car without going to any other houses and leave.

    I really need to get one of those cleaver no soliciting signs that say something like "I love my vaccum, I love God and my kids are selling the same crap yours are"

    xoxo

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  6. you should talk to my mom....
    when sales people call our house she says...

    "me no speak english"

    or

    "my parents aren't home"- hahahah

    or

    "i'm just the housekeper"

    buahahaha

    she kills me.

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  7. OH.MY.GOD. this is awesome! Your poor kids! I cant wait to have kids so I can do these kinds of things to them!

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  8. hahahah if i had kids I would totally have done that too! Just wait to see the mess I can make one day

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  9. ROFLMFAO! I totally hate sales people that come door to door. They will sit there and RIDE YOUR ASS like its no tomorrow. Ugh. We had hardwood at our last house and at 9pm {yes that damn late} this older woman comes to our door with a fucking kirby.. I said, I have no carpet. Oh, I can do hardwood too. Finally I said, I AM NOT GOING TO BUY ANYTHING SO YOU JUST NEED TO LEAVE. Thank you!

    I love the closet act though. I did that one time with the police.. bahaha!

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  10. Oh my gosh that is amazing. I totally hide from any salesperson or door-knocker all the time. Problem is they see me but I still don't answer the door. The worst is when they ring/knock/ring and then peer into the windows in the house - seriously?! How more of a creepster can you be?!

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  11. Can you please please please have a reality show!

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  12. OMG I'm dying. This is hilarious.

    My dad taught me well- when he'd see the Jehovas Witnesses coming he'd roll off the couch and then start hissing at us "GET AWAY FROM THE WINDOW! GET DOWN! SHUT UP!"

    A week or 2 ago M and I were eating dinner with the door open and I saw a little girl bounce up the sidewalk of our neighbors. I told M "GET IN THE OFFICE" but we didn't move fast enough and they'd seen us. Turns out she was hawking cookies, which I can get down with, but I cannot say NO or be RUDE for the life of me! M turns it on like it's a switch. Sometimes unecessarily so. but Oh god.. poor Gunner..hahahaha..

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  13. Love this story! Sounds like something I would do, and Bree would totally have nightmares about it.

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  14. i cannot breathe i am laughing so hard. OMG

    you are the best...seriously hahahah

    i can just picture the 3 of you sitting in a closet! LOl

    xoxox

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  15. bahahahahah. Seriously, just made my day!

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  16. Haha genius! I HATE when salesmen come to the door when my bf isn't home! Why are they always so creepy/ drive creepy vans?

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  17. Seriously laughing out loud at work...OMG, Raven your stories are THE BEST!!! That is some funny stuff right there. I think I would love to spend a few days with you and your boys as I am sure I would die laughing. You are too funny! I would have done the same thing, no lie...would not have let him come in, told him to come back later and then hide my ass! Your kids are young, they won't remember this stuff so really you are not screwing them up!!!

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  18. Hysterical... and this is EXACTLY what I would have done. Exactly!!!

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  19. This cracks me up! Poor Gunner though! & I had some guy tell me one time that I was a horrible person b/c I didn't want to by magazine subscriptions from him to "help the less fortunate". I too was home alone & was terrified after he came back the 2nd time. I wasted no time & called the cops on his sweet, polite a**! (& come to find out I wasn't the only one in the neighborhood that called the cops on him!)

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  20. This is too funny, haha! Oh man I am cracking up right now :D Poor Gunner though, I'm sure he will laugh about this when he is older!
    On a more serious note: those door-to-door salesmen don't give up! I won't let anyone I don't know in the house if my other half isn't home. But they never stop insisting.

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  21. Hahah this is too funny! Poor Gunner- he is probably envisioning this horrible rapist/murderer outside but I agree- that guy would have been in your house for hours. Plus who knows- you can't trust everyone.

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  22. SAlespeople are so annoying!

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  23. Oh my gosh. This is HILARIOUS! I would totally have done the same thing! I can't say no to people! I always feel so bad! I love that Gunner thinks there's a bad man with a vacuum coming after him now! Poor kid! HAHAHAHA

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  24. That's Great! Is your child called Gunner after Guns N Roses?

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  25. I can't believe people still do door to door sales these days! I keep meaning to get one of those no soliciting signs. What is even worse is that I live in the ghetto. I clearly can't afford a $700 vacuum, I have a piece of crap car in the driveway and I'm pretty sure we're the only people in our neighborhood who speak English so when people roll up to sell us stuff I'm thinking they must not be very bright.

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  26. If it makes you feel any better, Eli crawls into Teddy's crate all the time. And one time I got suckered into $1100 worth of meat. Meat! I blame the lack of sleep since the babies had just been born.

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  27. Every single time I read your posts, they crack me the eff up. Your amazing, this story is priceless! Oh and speaking of which, I had some random "construction worker" pull up to my door yesterday asking me if I wanted 2 tons of concrete. Random, I know. And we live in the boondocks too, so I RARELY ever open the door to anyone when hubs isn't home.

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  28. LMAO. I hate sales people & my hubs isn't home I don't answer either & while I'm telling the girls to be quiet we don't the sales guy to hear us one of them screams & then the door bell goes off like crazy. Poor gunner!

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  29. I'm laughing so hard I'm crying. Which makes me feel really guilty because your poor son is scared now. I graduate with my PhD in like six years. So I'll just come counsel your children at that point and that'll even everything out, right?

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  30. Omg I hate those guys!! I even put a No Soliciting sign on my door, and they still show up! I have every right to get pissed at them for ignoring my sign and knocking anyway. But I don't. I'm a damn people pleaser too. So I always listen to their stupid speech, and use the same "Now is not a good time" excuse. I usually end the conversation asking for their business card so I can "call when it's convenient."

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  31. I kind of just died laughing at this, too great!

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  32. OMG this is too funny! Thanks for the morning laugh.

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  33. I can respect the hustle of salespeople.. but seriously its 2012, who doesn't have a vacumn cleaner? And why in 2012 am I going to let a stranger in my house for a "demonstration". And I love how they sell random stuff.. like vacumns and knives. We live in a military town so thankfully people get the message that we don't buy $700 knives.

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  34. Raven! My stomach is killing me from laughing so hard!!

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  35. Raven! I'm dying of laughter right now. I think it's so funny because I tend to do the same thing when I'm home alone and there's some random at my door trying to sell something. I don't care if they heard me. Too funny...I totally relate.

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  36. Seee!!!! Crazies are out there!! at least he was trying to give you something. I am getting hit up for gas money from someone that looked like he wanted to talk to me about Jesus!!!

    and I think I would have let him talk about Jesus with me rather than throw a tantrum on my front porch that I don't carry cash.

    Seriously, I would have at least gotte nthe company's name of fhis creeper van and called and said he was super uncomfortable and scaring my children

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  37. hahaha my mom did that to me and my brother. As soon as a salesman would come to our door she would yell "quick, run, hide!! It's a salesman" I remember being totally terrified. I then learned my babysitters husband was a salesman and I wouldn't go back to the babysitters without balling my eyes out in fear. lol

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  38. I. Feel. Your. Pain. I hate saying no to people going door-to-door!

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  39. hahaahha, poor Gunner!

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  40. On the subject of messing up your kids...

    So Boomer was being really naughty one day and I just couldn't take it anymore. I was cleaning the house and I don't know why I told her this, but I said if she didn't stop misbehaving I was going to vacuum her up. She FREAKED...ran into her room and hid. I thought she was hiding on her bed so I went about cleaning and vacuuming her room. Turns out she was in her closet, working herself up into a full on panic attack while I vacuumed the floor near where she was. I turned off the vacuum to hear here screaming in the closet. I picked her up to try and comfort her and explain to her she wouldn't fit in the vacuum anyway. Long story short my hysterical child made herself throw up. *sigh*

    Two days later her father threatened her with the trunk of his car. We are gonig to pay for therapy for YEARS.....

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  41. I hate creepers like this! We live out in the boonies too! My hubby was home with us one time and told they guy if he didn't leave he would get to meet the revolver that was our second child! haha! He ran like hell!

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  42. Oh gosh, the last line just killed me! So, so funny!

    And I didn't know sales people still went door to door. Hmm, why doesn't anyone stop by my house? Hahaha ;)

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  43. OH MY GOSH. This story is priceless. I was actually afraid reading it.

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  44. haha gosh I HATE high-pressure sales! I went to a timeshare presentation lately just to get the "free trip" with my girlfriend and even though I went in knowing that, I still felt awkward as they pitched me.

    Hilarious that G-man is going to make you pay for this for awhile, haha.

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  45. Oh crap! That totally seemed like a good idea too! Poor Gunner and his nightmares :(
    I guess I should learn from this and not do it to my kids in the future.
    Or...I'm sure I could try it and claim it as a social experiment! Aren't nightmares character building or something anyway??

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  46. hahah i have tears in my eyes - this story is hysterical! i love reading your stories about your kids. :)

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  47. I would love to have you as a mom! You are so darn funny! Poor children! Ha!

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  48. totally lol'd at poor little gunner.

    You crack me up!!

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    Replies
    1. Ummm what? I would have pisses my pants and never answered in the first place!!! I hope you learne a lesson from this. Don't ever ever ever open the door to strangers. Poor gunner!!!

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  49. hahahha omg I would of done the same thing!!

    Poor Gunner though! :(

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  50. youre a people pleaser?!? I would have never thought.

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  51. Is it bad that I laughed at the end of that? I really do feel bad for Gunner, but this story is just too funny!

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  52. I am surprised that everyone finds this so funny. Normally I love your sense of humour, but this...not so much. Just keeping it real. Poor guy. I don't like reading about people getting treated badly. And as far as "real" jobs go? Who knows...maybe he also ditched college to go snowboarding, and selling door-to-door is the only job he can get at the moment.

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  53. ahhh this is amazing raven! and don't let anyone tell you differently---- that man was ASKING for it because no means NO! its his own fault when they keep pressuring you~ so annoying, I would have done the same thing! haha

    xo,
    ashley

    Lindsay------don't be so self righteous, clearly he deserved it. NO MEANS NO the first time!

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  54. I honestly think door to door sales should be against the law now!! They are clearly targeting a certain market and I know I am NOT answering my door with two babies and no husband home. Yeah right!! And most the ones that come to my house have been pushy, rude, and entitled. So if that is a "real job" to them, then good luck but I am not risking it! I will do my own research on what to buy! "anonymous" who created a profile can keep their self righteous opinions, because while I wouldn't have told him to come back (I am more blunt than you), I wouldn't have answered the door! Especially where you live!!

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  55. Now...your scare tactics with gunner...you know my opinion on that!! ;) just keep remembering how you now have to administer medications. ;)

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  56. Omg I don't ever answer the door I am such a scardy pants!!!! Poor little Gunner but this made for a funny story :)

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  57. I laughed out loud reading this. I know it must have been nerve-racking at the time. I could see myself doing the same. I rarely go to the door if I can avoid it either. It's unfortunate your kid had nightmares about it, but I'm sure it'll pass soon enough and only the funny story will remain.

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  58. OH. My. Gosh.

    Thank the good Lord above that the door was locked, because I honestly was thinking he might just walk inside and force himself on my carpet, demand that I let him get out a stain and never leave until I paid him for the magical formula.

    I love it.

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  59. BAHAHAHAHA! Omg I was literally laughing out loud reading this! I got suckered into letting one of those damn Kirby vacuum salesmen into the house when my husband was deployed. I almost bought that damn $2500 vacuum just to get that guy out of my house! I wish I would've thought to hide in the closet :)

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  60. Holy. Hell. that was too funny. I will never forget the time my mom bought a $500 encyclopedia set from a door-to-door salesman. She was cursing up a storm when he left. Haha

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  61. Raven Raven Raven....next time call me and put me on speaker phone! We ALL know I'm not a people pleaser! I got yo back!

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