A Guest Post. By Colt.

6.13.2012

So after Gunner guest posted last week, and after all the positive comments he received, he has been walking around the house with his chest out and nose upturned, kinda like he owns the place. Of course, he has been incessantly bragging to his brother about how "all mommys friends like him best" and how "better" he is now that he has a book deal in the works.

So Colt came to me and demanded to write a guest post of his own.

Apparently, second children have something to say also...

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Hi. My name is Colt.

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As you can see, I have no pants on, and I'm soooooo cold right now. Someone call CPS!

You may recognize my little legs in the above picture, seeing as how mommy tweets and instagrams a billion pictures of me without clothes on. She says I like being naked. Let me ask: do you like being naked? Outside? In the cold? It's not the best feeling in the world. I can't talk much yet, but if I could, I would say "the hell, woman? Put some damn pants on me!"

I mean, really. Too much to ask?

It probably is. Considering the social status I currently hold in the house. Talk about being second rate. It's always "Gunner this" and Gunner that," and then when or if she does remember that she birthed a second child, I might get a few leftover scraps of macaroni and cheese.

I loooooooooooove macaroni and cheese.

Back to my brother.

Why does the oldest have to act like that? Like he's all high and mighty, and that his shit don't stink. I've smelt it, and trust me, it stanks. It doesn't matter what toy I had first, if he wants it, he's gonna get it. It has to be alllllllll about him or he will make my life hell. His way or the highway. Selfish, that's what firstborns are.

I think that mommy is a firstborn.

Explains a lot.

Oh, and by the way mom? I hated my long curls. I'm glad granny cut it off when you and daddy went on vacation. I know you have plans to grow it long again, but make no mistake...as soon as I learn how to use the scissors? Your precious curls are going down.

Boo-yah.

Oh, and one more thing? When you hear me in the monitor at 6 am? I'm ready to get up. I know you like to brag to all your girlfriends how "both your kids like to sleep 'til 9," but I only sleep 'til 9 because I get bored after 2 hours of doing nothing in my crib, so I drift back to sleep.

You just wait 'til I can crawl out of my crib.

I'll wake you up by smacking you with the pancake paddle.

Get up sugart*ts and make me some breakfast!

Like daddy says...maybe instead of drinking half a fifth and staying up late watching "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant," you could get up with my early cries and sweat it out on that dust machine aka the Treadmill.

That ass ain't gonna work itself out...

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It's late.

I gots to go to bed.

My mom is MIA so can one of you sweet sugar britches adopt me?

Please?

I'll reward you with long walks in the park and a few sips of my juice box.

Not to be mistaken with my macaroni and cheese.

Don't touch that.

Or I'll go all firstborn on your ass.


Blog Snobs

6.12.2012

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"I'm sorry that people are so jealous of me...but I can't help it that I'm so popular."
quote from the movie Mean Girls


A definition of "snob" I found recently was this:

a person who believes himself or herself an expert or connoisseur in a given field and is condescending toward or disdainful of those who hold other opinions or have different tastes regarding this field.

The "field" we are talking about today is that of blogging. As I'm sure many of you know, blogging can be a wonderful thing. You can find other bloggers with similar interests as your own, you can get feedback, you can laugh, connect, be entertained, and if you're an emotional type of person, you may actually find yourself crying over at someones neck of the virtual woods. You can see a blog friend turn into a real life friend (ahem) and you can feel like you are a "part" of something. It's true when they say that blogging is a community, a comradeship, a stomping ground for us all who have something to say.

But just like every other group of girls that get together, there are bound to be cliques, the cool crowd, the mean girls...

or in this arena

The Blog Snobs.

dun dun dun

In my never to be humble opinion, there are a few things that qualify someone as a blog snob. In no particular order...

BE SUPERIOR. And make sure everyone else knows it. I followed a certain blogger on twitter one time (names withheld for shame purposes) and this person tweeted something to the effect of "why do certain bloggers have to be so pretentious" to which I kiddingly replied "well that isn't a very nice way to describe me." (If you even semi know me? I am a heap of sarcasm. I kid all the time.) Her response? "I wasn't talking about you, nor do I have any idea who you are or what your blog is even about." Talk about not being able to take a joke. And for the record? That snotty blogger? At the time, she had hundreds more followers than me, so I assumed she thought I was a nobody. I just checked a few days ago and I currently have 500+ more followers than her...

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THE FOLLOWING GAME. Allllllll the bloggers say it: "Blogging isn't about the number of followers." I'm just gonna call bullshit on this one. Every single blogger wakes up and logs onto their page, hoping to see their follower count go up. I honestly cringe every time I read a post about how "followers are not important whatsoever, it's all about the writing." I cringe for two reasons: a) they are lying sacks of sh#t and b) yes, it is all about the writing, but how come we can't just come right out and say that if you suck as a writer, your follower count won't go up, but if you have a gift and can make people laugh/cry/connect/feel something...than you will be successful and see the fruits of your labor? Not everyone can be a pro-athlete, just like not everyone can be a pro-blogger. 

THE FOLLOWING GAME PART II. No one starts out with one thousand followers. Every single blogger starts out with the humble number of one. single. follower. I did, she did, and that person who has twelve thousand followers did too. I can't tell you how many times when I was just starting out, I commented some blogger who had a million and one followers. I commented and commented and commented. Not only because I liked what I was reading, but because I hoped that yes, one day this blogger might take notice and come by my space on the interwebs and maybe comment my blog too. Most of the time? They never took notice 'til my follower count went up. As if I wasn't good enough, as if I didn't start out exactly where they did...needless to say, I no longer comment them.

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LET'S TALK ABOUT SPONSORS, SHALL WE? First things first, I have no problem whatsoever with making money off your blog. But more times than once, I have come across a few uber-successful bloggers who say that their sponsors come first, and then their readers. Excuse me? If it wasn't for your thousands of readers, you wouldn't have those high paying sponsors. How about giving credit where credit is due...respond to your readers, engage with them, comment them back...talk about forgetting the little people...and while we're at it, no one likes to read "sponsored" posts every other day. Go back to your roots, stick with what made you successful in the first place.

A LINK-UP ANYONE? HOW ABOUT A GUEST POST? Like I stated earlier, everyone started out small. But it seems that when a blogger gets successful, they suddenly think their blog is sacred...and that maybe they don't want to "congest it" with a link-up button. Think about it: most big bloggers don't participate in link-ups. But when they host one themselves? You better believe they expect everyone and their mother to link-up with them. Why is this? I can only assume that they think their shit don't stink, and that they are "too good" to link-up with someone hundreds of followers beneath them.

About that guest post? Don't even think about asking someone who has a ton more followers than you. They will think you are either "using" them or "trying to get their readers for yourself." Don't you know that they are way better than you??

YOU CAN'T SIT WITH US. And then there is the cool girl blog circle where they won't let anyone new in. You know 'em when you see 'em...every time one of them has guest bloggers, they always have each other. I can't tell you how many times I have been passed over for a guest post because I didn't have near the amount of followers as the blog host. And now that I am creeping up in the follower arena, slowly but surely? Those "bloggers" are reaching out to me and asking me if I would like to guest post. I politely turn them down.

I'M SO UGLY/FAT/STUPID PLEASE REAFFIRM ME. You know the ones, the blog posts that are so beyond self-deprecating that they are just begging for positive comments. Please tell them how gorgeous/skinny/smart they are and they will love you forever, and if your comment is super good, they may even link to you in the future!

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Basically, if you are a decent person, an honest blogger and someone who just has a passion for writing, you may well be on your way to succeeding. 

And if not?

You may very well be........

A BLOG SNOB.

dun dun dun


A Guest Post. By Gunner.

6.06.2012

Hey bishes! I'm here today guest posting because let's face it, this blog could use a little spicing up. While my mom is still crying into her wine glass over my little brothers haircut (it was months ago! get a life!) I'm gonna share with you a few nuggets of four year old wisdom. 

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yeah, I have pink toes. Gotta problem with it?

But first, let me introduce myself. My name is Gunner James Smith, but you can just call me The Big Gunz. My favorite food is chocolate pudding and if you try to get your hands in my snack pack, well, let's just say it didn't work out well for the last guy who tried.

That last guy being my brother.

He's now missing a finger, but shhhh....don't tell my mom.

Not like she would notice anyway. She's too busy "working" aka blogging and photoshopping herself so you all think she's some hot stuff or something.

Trust me sweeties, she does not look like that.

Talk about an optical illusion.

And she teaches me not to lie. Hypocrite.

You know how my mom always says we love to be naked? Well, that's true. But do I need her splashing those pictures all over the interwebs for all to see? No, no I do not. I'm eventually going to get a serious girlfriend (like in a year or two) and I don't need her googling me and seeing photo after photo of my nekked booty. So inappropriate, mom.

You know what else is inappropriate? My mom's bizarre obsession with Britney Spears. Really? How old are we again? Isn't she a little...immature for a grown woman with two kids to idolize? Grow up mom. You should listen to someone more age appropriate... like Barbara Streisand or Bette Midler.

I really wish I could watch Spongebob Squarepants, but my mom says it's the work of the devil. Oh yeah? I think you trying to shove that j.lo of yours into jeans two sizes too small is the work of the devil. I may be young, but I know what "muffin top" is and it ain't cute.

Speaking of muffins, did I mention that chocolate is my favorite food? My mom always tells me that "it's unhealthy to eat chocolate all day long" and that I can only have it "in moderation." So that's how it is? You really wanna go there? Because I also believe that drinking vodka "all day long" is unhealthy. BAM!

I think I'm gonna grow up and marry a liberal just to piss her off. 

Peace out sugartits