An I Confess Sesh: By Gunner

11.27.2012


Ok so here's the deal. I'm only four, obviously not old enough to get in a car and drive away forever from this madness that is my life, (but apparently old enough to know what a hangover is, side eye mom) however, I do have a few years of wisdom under my belt. I know my mom has come here a few times with her "I confess sesh" malarky, but now it's my turn. And I have a few confessions I would like to get off my back. 

Forgive me father for I have sinned*. 

I confess: I'm having major mommy issues. These days, I can't even recognize her. I go to bed with a blonde haired mommy and wake up to a black haired one. That shit is scary for a tyke my age! Bangs, no bangs, Snooki tan one day and Casper the next? Wtf mom? Can we say identity crisis? For the love...

I confess: Mommy tries to trick me into eating healthy by mixing spinach into my pusghetti. Who does she think I am anyway? I'm a little smarter then that, lady. How about I "trick" you into putting lemonade in your drink instead of vodka? See how well that works?

I confess: Listen up fellow four year olds, this one's for you: never, ever, under any circumstances, admit fault. If you have a dog? Blame the dog. A younger brother? Better yet. Even if she saw you? Blame it on the invisible friend you have been forced to create as a result of mommy's extreme insanity. Trust me, if your mommy is anything like mine? She'll give you a kiss and smile at your imaginary friend on the way out. 

I confess: Skittles are not m&m's. I repeat, skittles are not m&m's!

I confess: I'm really a bleeding heart liberal. I mean, free toys? Sign a half-pint up! But please, please don't tell my mommy. I'm scared that she will erase all my tivoed South Park episodes to make more room for Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew. You know how them republicans can be greedy selfish &#$^@%*#.

I confess: I honestly think that Dr. Phil is my real dad.

*and by sinned, I mean I ate one too many double 
stuff oreos and throwed up in my bed. Twice.

One more quick I confess: Mommy had to clean it all up. Twice! lol!

Babies and Marriage: My Take

11.19.2012

Kauai circa March of this year. See you again in three weeks baby.

If the age old question can you really have it all ever applied, I would say never more so than when it comes to marriage and babies. The inspiration behind this post comes from Jenni's blog, where she wrote about exactly this topic. And it got me thinking. Marriage and babies, babies and marriage. Yes, I have both, but the good Lord up in heaven knows I have no idea when it comes to managing both well.

So I'm not here to tell you how to "have it all." Because I fail at that every single day. I'm here to tell you my experience, my journey, and my struggles. I'm also pretty sure this post will go off on many different tangents, so stay with me if you can.

I've been married for eight point five years. I always said I would wait two years before having babies. Two years seemed perfect to me: enough time to have sexy alone time with the hubs, get to know each other more, live in newlywed bliss before adding the granted stress of tiny human beings to care for. Two years somehow turned into four years, and on March 1st, 2008 (only three hours short of being a leap year baby) Gunner James Smith came into our lives. Trust me, no matter what they say, adding a baby to the mix changes things. Drastically

Exactly two years and two weeks later, Colt Daniel Le Smith arrived. Two boys. Our family of four was complete. We can dance into oblivion. Unicorns! Rainbows! Except not exactly. Don't get me wrong, when it comes to my kids? I am in love. I am over the moon to be a full-time mom to them. I think it's one of the most important jobs in the world (post on this to come later this week) but when it comes to juggling a husband and kids? Successfully? I still have yet to figure that one out. 

But let me start with something I think is supremely important when it comes to this subject. And that is priority. Not only is it biblical, but every good therapist around will tell you that your spouse comes before your kids. Our counselor in particular said it was absolutely crucial for Rob and I to put each other first, and our kids second. And this? I have had a very hard time with. In my little mind, I tend to think that the kids come first, always. But with this thinking? Puts my husband on the back burner. When it was him to begin with that made our family happen. Because the truth is, by putting my husband first, I am setting an example for our kids, and showing them what a loving relationship looks like. Kids need to see their parents loving each other. Kids need to feel the security of their parents being there for them, and therefore, being a solid unit. I asked our marriage counselor one time if it damaged our children to see us fighting in front of them. Her answer surprised me, when she said "no. They need to see you guys have conflict and then see you resolve that conflict in a loving way, so they can learn how real relationships work." 

And here's this: Rob comes home from working all day and immediately turns his attention on me. He will walk in the door and walk straight past the kids, go to me and hug, kiss, touch, etc. I would (and sometimes still do) get so mad him, and be all, "really? You walk past your own kids and don't even say anything to them? Don't even acknowledge them? What is wrong with you?" when what he is doing is exactly what it takes to have a successful marriage with kids. He is putting me first. Rob has always said to me that I come first, his kids come second. And my jerk reaction is to get angry, and go right into asking him stupid idiotic questions like "if Gunner and I were both dangling over a cliff and you could only save one of us, who would it be? Huh? Huh? Would you save him or me? You better say him!" (For the record, he would save our son.)

But here's the thing. Rob may come in the house after work and bypass the kids to head straight to me, but after that? His immediate second move is to pick up his boys, hug and kiss them and tell them both how much he missed them. And then to play with them for the next few hours before bedtime. I have never, not once, witnessed a time where his kids needed and or wanted him and he wasn't there. Rob is a sucker for his boys. Rob lives and breathes for his boys. He would die in a heartbeat for his boys. 

But he would also die in a heartbeat for me. And this is where I can admit I can be a total bitch at times. With complete honesty, I can say I have neglected Rob. He puts me first yet I put the kids first. Rob constantly wants to be touching me (earmuffs mom and dad!), he constantly wants to be around me, messing with me, grabbing my butt and other parts (ahem!) and I get SO ANNOYED and tell him to just back off but gosh damn, I should be thankful that after almost eleven years and twenty pounds gained, my husband still wants me fierce! I've talked to enough people to realize that what I have in a husband is pretty rare. Because if he can love his kids half as much as he loves me? Well then. His kids are pretty damn lucky.

Don't get me wrong. My husband isn't perfect. He can piss me off with the best of them. Like when he criticizes the way I cut up onions, or when he says I'm being lazy for not getting up and working out (ok that one may be true) or when he uses my expensive hair conditioner as body soap (insert super angry face here!) but when you look at it as a whole, and consider the "war versus battle" thing, I'm pretty sure I'm coming out ahead. 

Because my husband puts me first. And in turn, my kids benefit tremendously. And it has taken me a while (and a few hundred dollars worth of counseling sessions) to figure this one out. 

Now if we want to talk about what babies do to a sex life?

That is a completely different post for another day.

But The Greatest Of These Is Love

11.16.2012

It's the holidays, and everywhere I look in my personal life, I see so much love, family, support, kindness and so much good. My kids are happy and healthy and they will have a Christmas filled with all the aforementioned and presents. We didn't go all out this year, in fact we kept their gift giving pretty small, but the fact is, unlike so many other children, my kids will have something to open. So many kids will have nothing this Christmas. 

And that breaks. my. heart.

So many people won't have anyone to spend the holidays with. They will be home alone on Thanksgiving, eating solo at a diner or standing in line at a homeless shelter. We may pass these people every day and not know it. They could be the person in front of us in traffic, driving too slow, too fast, maybe taking a few extra seconds to realize the light in front of them turned green, so if we could all think about that before angrily honking our horn or driving by and shaking our finger at them. They could be the person who bumps into us in a crowded store and makes us drop all our gifts we were taking to the register. Before yelling at them to "watch where you're going," we could instead smile and say "pardon me." A little kid who is acting up at the childs play area could very well be a little kid who won't see a single present this Christmas and won't get a chance to sit on Santa's lap. We should remember that, and not be quick to judge or act in anger or frustration. 

I think this holiday season we should go even further then that. To not just stand back and stop ourselves from acting in anger, but to reach out more. Say hello and smile more to strangers we pass, offer to return someones cart in the grocery parking lot, pay for the persons order behind us at the Starbucks drive-thru, hold the door open for someone even if they are just far enough away that you could let it close behind you.

To extend grace

To realize that maybe, just maybe, the person who seems like they deserve it the least, need love and compassion the most. Actions are powerful, yes, but words are paramount. Watch your words. You never know what it could mean to someone. I can tell you there have been very specific times in my life, that I remember vividly like it happened yesterday, where I was completely overwhelmed, felt like I wanted to curl up in ball and cry myself into oblivion, when a complete stranger said something to me, reached out and said something. They didn't have to, but they did. It may have been simple to them, but it meant the world to me. There are people out there who feel like no one in this world cares about them, and as someone who has no idea what that feels like, I don't want to contribute to that feeling for anyone. It literally hurts my heart to think of the deep, deep pain and loneliness that others feel (except murderers and child molesters, I hope they burn in hell. Just had to throw that one out there) and I think we as human beings have a responsibility to be good people. To build others up and not tear them down. 

It's important.

Because as one very wise person once said, BE KIND. FOR EVERYONE YOU MEET IS FIGHTING A HARD BATTLE.

ps. Want to read another awesome blog post on this subject? Check it out here.

pps. I'm still getting lots of amazing comments on my "If You're Crazy And You Know It Shake Your Meds" post. If it's something you're interested in, you can read here.

If You're Crazy And You Know It Shake Your Meds

11.12.2012


Who, me? Crazy? I wish I could blame my meds, but no, just like a third of the population, I have a chemical imbalance that needs assistance to function properly. My story starts about eleven years ago. I've had eleven years to accurately explain how I felt, and why I decided to go on medication, and the best way I can describe it is to say that my brain felt like it consisted of clouds. Brain fog, I like to call it. I remember sitting in a chinese restaurant with my mom and just feeling completely out of it. We were having a conversation at the table, but it was like an out of body experience. I was there, but I wasn't. It was that brain in the clouds thing again, and it was starting to happen more and more frequently. 

It wasn't only the brain fog that was hindering me. There were true moments of anxiety also. For example, there were times I would be driving down the highway and would suddenly feel like I was going to pass out at the wheel, and I would have to pull over as fast as possible. There were times at night when I was trying to fall asleep and my heart would be pounding so hard and I just felt so...uneasy. So weird. So not right

So not right is a pretty good way to put it.

Now let me tell you, before all this started to happen? I was so against illegal legal drugs. I did not want to take any kind of "mood altering" medication. I thought it was for weak people who just couldn't deal with life. How wrong I was. After the first week or two of taking an anti-anxiety? Huge difference. The brain in the clouds thing disappeared. The feeling like I was going to pass out while driving thing disappeared. I could sleep at night without freaking out. I was little more, shall we say...normal. More right.

I continued taking my anti-anxiety meds until I became pregnant with Gunner. I quit cold turkey and honestly didn't have any side effects. I'm not sure if it had to do with the influx of hormones and other things going on in my body from being pregnant, but I didn't have that let-down from getting off the medication. After Gunner was born, I went back on the meds off and on, and by off and on, I mean I wasn't very disciplined in taking them properly. I missed a day here, a few days there, etc. From what I can recall, my anxiety was minimal during that period. Two years later I got pregnant again with Colt, went off them completely (I didn't trust taking any drugs during pregnancy) and all was well.

Not exactly sure when it started up again, but a few months after Colt was born, the anxiety kicked back into high gear, so back to the doc I went and got back on my trusty ol' pills. It's been two years since then, and I can't imagine I will ever go off them again. My doctor told me that most people who start taking them for extended periods of time usually never get back off them. Which is totally ok with me, considering I am a total basketcase without.

There have been a few times I went off them for a couple days, not on purpose per say, but I just didn't refill my prescription in time and a few days lapsed and let me tell you, by day three? The effects were OMG whoa. I felt out of it times ten. When I stood up/sat down too fast, it felt like I was coming down from a rollercoaster, the whole stomach dropping thing and all. It was horrible. There is a reason the doctors say not to stop abruptly, and it's a good one.

There was an instance about a month ago. My insurance suddenly changed policies on me at the last minute, and with doctor scheduling conflicts, I went four whole days without my meds. It. was. brutal. I'm not a crier, and by day four? I was crying over everything. My mom called me and when I saw her number on caller ID, I couldn't answer because I knew she would nonchalantly ask me how I was doing, as she does every day. The lump in my throat was so huge that I knew I would bust into tears the second I answered. My husband came home and asked what was wrong. I could barely get the words out because of the crying. I was watching TV and cried over a Pantene commercial. You know that part at the end where they say "you're worth it?" Yeah, ugly tears pursued. It was insane to me. I was so incredibly over the top emotional that if I wasn't a hard-core believer in the power of *crazy meds before, I was now. For life.

Side note: my sister made a little comment about how when I was off my meds for those four days, I was actually capable of feeling real human emotions. That maybe the pills had pushed all my emotions and feelings into oblivion and once off them, they were able to come out and I wasn't a non-caring cold-hearted b*#ch. My response? I'd rather be an emotionless wench than a wacko sympathetic freak who cries over shampoo commercials. End side note.

As for side effects? There is a whole list of things that could potentially go berserk, but for me, I don't really experience any side effects. Besides being sane. And the fact that drinking on my meds makes me get buzzed twice as fast. Which is a good thing if you ask me. 

And there you have it. My experience with the crazies. If you have any other questions, leave them here and I will answer in the comments.

What about you? Any good/bad/life-changing/shampoo-commerical-crying experiences with the magic pills? Please share! We can all be crazy together.

shake shake shake!


*I don't really think they are crazy meds, nor are people who take them crazy. It's something totally 
uncontrollable and a legit imbalance in the brain. I just like to make light of things.