* the last photos taken of my son and his long luscious hair

Just in case you are new here, before you go on, please read my original post, SPEECHLESS, to get exactly where I am coming from, deep, deep in my soul.

I once had a little boy, who had long spiral curl surfer-ish hair. 

It was amazing. I loved it. I cherished it.

And then my mom cut it all off when I went on vacation. I was devastated. It grew back, and then my husband chopped his bangs. To the scalp. And I was devastated once more. See, I kind of hung onto the notion that my little angel baby was "different," a little "hipster,"... maybe sorta could live on the beach in San Diego. So I kept it long. I refused to trim it. I didn't want a "normal" little boy hairstyle and I was just hanging on...however his hair didn't curl anymore, it kind of frizzed out and if I didn't brush it in the morning, he looked a little homeless.

So finally, just yesterday, after looking at him longingly from the breakfast bar, I said to myself "Raven, let your fantasies go. It was once curly, it is no more, and now it just looks like one big hot mess." And I decided right then and there, today would be the day he got his hair cut. However, it would be on my terms.

Before we headed to the hairdresser, we had a little fun with the 'do.

and then one salon photoshoot...

and what are we left with?

We are left with this.

A little boy grown-up hairstyle that makes his mommy cry.

The kind of tears only an episode of Grey's Anatomy could produce.

He's growing up. He's getting older. I can now see his neck.

And for that reason alone, I am speechless.

Speechless because my youngest little angel baby is growing up.

I'm so happy, yet I'm so sad.

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I've been thinking of writing this post for a while, but I wanted to make sure everything I was feeling came across how I intended it to in my head, and I didn't want to leave anything out nor speak too soon. So for the past few months, I have been writing things down as they came to me, and I finally feel I'm able to articulate exactly what it is I want to say, so I'm going to share that with you now.

Blog this, blog that, don't be too controversial yet don't be too boring, you don't like it, don't read it, it's my blog and I'll blog whatever I want to. That seems to be a running theme lately in this wonderful thing we call the blogging world. Everyone has an opinion, that's for sure, and how you run your blog is entirely up to you, and I'll definitely never try to tell you otherwise. Sh*t, I have enough problems as it is with my own.

Such as...

Blog controversy. If you've been a reader of mine for a while, I'm sure you know what I'm talking about, so let's just start with the most controversial post I have ever written titled I Dress For Men. I wrote this post back in September of 2012, and I still regularly get comments from readers...mostly negative. Like, really really really negative. That post went semi-viral (it is my most viewed post to date) and at first, the comments I received were nice, respectful, sure some disagreed with me but nobody really crossed the line, and then, oh and then did the outrage begin. Some of the nastiest, most vile comments I have ever received started pouring in, to the tune of 200+. Go ahead, read them, I'll wait.

Not only that, but other bloggers were writing their own posts about me, telling people to contact my sponsors and voice their displeasure over what I had written, I'm sure with the intention and hope that those sponsors would drop me. (No one did, btw.) I was getting so much backlash, so much negativity directed towards me, I was being called the most nasty names and a question I kept getting asked was "why don't you moderate your comments to keep the nasty ones out?"

Here is why: this is my blog, and it is my choice what I choose to put on here. It is my choice to come across the way I do, to word my posts the way I do, and it is my choice to say whatever I want. And I think I owe it to my readers to comment whatever they want, even if it's negative. Just as I write uncensored and openly, I allow my comment section the same freedoms. (Again, this is how I choose to do things. Just because I do it this way doesn't mean it's wrong or right, it's just what works best for me.)

However, the question I got asked the most by far was "why don't you just take the post down?"

And here is why.

Because I have always, always said on this little space of the internet I call mine, that I try to be as real and authentic as I possibly can. I never want to come across as trying to be perfect, I never want others to think I am better then them, and if I make mistakes? I want my readers to see me admit it.

I wrote that post, I published that post, I owned that post and I stand by that post.

And I won't take it down because others disagree, are offended, or because it was received poorly. What would that make me? A coward? Hypocrite? Inauthentic? Three things I definitely do not want to be seen as.

What I can do, and what I will do, is admit when I am wrong. And in regards to the previously mentioned post, are there things I regret writing? Things I am now embarrassed about? Yes. I regret lumping all feminists in one big "men hate them all" category. I was trying to get a point of view across, and I f*cked that part up. Do I think some feminists have done great things for women and their progression? Absolutely. Do I think some feminists need to chill the f*ck out? Absolutely. Do I think some feminists give women a bad name, and on the topic of men, completely turn them off? Absolutely! Just like not all "mommas" are good people, not all Christians are good people and not all doctors are good people, not all feminists are good people nor do they help women and how we are perceived. Are there some feminists out there who do help women and their rights and also make fantastic wives and mothers? Absolutely. There are always bad seeds no matter what group of people we are talking about, and that is what I was trying to get across in my I Dress For Men post, however I can look back and admit how I wrote that part came off as offensive and poorly worded, and for that, I sincerely apologize. (I still stand by my opinion of cardigans, and that I still like to dress for men, and good for you if your opinion differs. If we were all the same, this would be a very boring world!)

Were parts of that post a mistake to publish? I think we can all agree that it was. But by taking it down, it's like pretending it was never there, that it never happened. However isn't that what life is all about? Making mistakes, admitting them and learning from them? What's that saying, "all my mistakes have made me stronger and into who I am today?"


I like to think so.


I have another part to this post, where I reference my second most controversial post of all time, written for a completely different reason, but since this was getting a little lengthy, I'm going to share that part with you tomorrow.

Seriously. It seems like just yesterday I pushed this little tadpole out of my fish whistle (sorry had to) and now dude is five. Five! It's so bizarre to me, as I still feel like the 21-year old who wants to go out and have fun (minus the DUI on my 21st birthday part) yet I also have this overwhelming desire to be a total momma bear. As in, this is my kid and if you mess with him? Push him around on the playground? Exclude him?

I will bust your ass. 

Usually I use asterisks for such words but when it comes to my children, no asterisks allowed! I feel a super fierce protectiveness over them, and if you never knew before what it would feel like to give your life for another, you will know once you have children of your own. 

A few reasons that make my first born extra special:

- His heart. I swear that his main goal in life is to make others happy. 

- The way he loves. He can't go to bed without his nightly hugs and kisses.

- The way he makes friends. He can meet someone for three minutes and suddenly, they are his "best best friend."

- When we are driving in the car, and I hear him talking to his stuffed animals. He has full-on conversations with them, telling them how much he loves them, how he will protect them, how he won't let anything bad happen to them. Be still my heart!

- The way he runs to me, hugging and kissing on me, telling me how much he missed me...even if I have just been gone for two hours getting my hair done.

- Whenever we walk into my sisters house, he goes directly to the hand sanitizer and cleans his hands so he can go straight to the baby and check her out. He knows the drill.

- The way he loves to cuddle. I know it won't be long until he wants nothing to do with me, so I try to soak it in and take advantage of the times he says "momma? will you lay with me?" Everything else in the world can wait.

- The ways he says things like "you've gotta be kidding me, baby!" and "well hellfire, save matches, f--- a duck and see what hatches!"

Ok ok, so maybe he doesn't say that last one (side eye Steven Tyler) but his little sayings pretty much melt my heart. Gunner James Smith is precious. He really does have a heart of gold and he loves his mommy, daddy, brother, granny, poppa, aunties, uncles, cousins, doggies and anyone else really who has a living heartbeat.

So today I wish a very happy birthday to my first born angel baby, Mr. Gunner Smith.

And when we go to the toy store and he gets to pick out any toy he wants, I won't be surprised when he chooses a tinkerbell doll, and I'll love him extra hard because of it.

My five year old is amazing.

************

ps. I am part of an amazing giveaway (the LAST ONE I will be participating in for a while) and this one is a goodie: $400 to Tiffany's! Check it out HERE!