me: I'm a homebody.

gunner: what does that mean?

me: it means I would rather be at home most of the time rather than any place else.

gunner: I'm a homebody too. I'm definitely not a schoolbody.

*******

Colt: well, he will follow anybody around if they have a treat for him.

me: le sigh. 'Tis true, Colt, and not only for male dogs, but for male humans as well.

Colt: what does that mean?

me: it means boobs.

me: I'm a homebody.

Gunner: what does that mean?

me: it means I would rather be at home most of the time rather than any place else.

Gunner: I'm a homebody too. I'm definitely not a schoolbody.

me: put your socks on.

Gunner: I don't want to wear socks.

me: put them on now, or your feet will stink when you wear shoes.

Gunner: I don't care if my feet stink.

me: well I do, because I have to smell them.

Gunner: well I have to smell your gross cooking all day --
me: you little shit, it's called vegetables! If you would just TRY them and not only eat carbs and sugar and oreos all day maybe you would grow up and work at NASA instead of McDonalds, which I'm sure you would love since then you would get free chicken nuggets every day.
Gunner: free chicken nuggets??

me: Colt, put your coat on.
Colt: I don't want to put my coat on.
me: I don't care what you want, put your coat on.
Colt: I don't want to put my coat on!
me: well I don't want to wake up every morning at the crack of the damn sun rising just to make sure I have enough time to argue and pick a fight with you over whether or not you wear ninja turtle underwear or where the one pair of socks are in the entire drawer that doesn't hurt your wittle feet or why your OMG favorite shirt you have worn non-stop for the last three weeks suddenly makes you super itchy the very second we walk out the door to school or why my entire life is now ruined because I decided to have children so PUT YOUR GODDAMN COAT ON NOW!!!

both my kids: you're mean.
me: Don't care.
kids: well you should, cause mean people suck.
me: what, did you read that on some lame tshirt or something?
kids: no you're just mean.
me: kids, make no mistake...I wear it like a badge of honor.

+two days later:
both my kids: you're mean.
me: ok I'll bite. Why am I mean?
kids: 'cause you won't let us have an Xbox or a tv in our room.
me: in that case kiddos, your dad is mean cause he won't buy me an island in the caribbean or replace this chinsy diamond with a GOLF BALL sizer.
one of my kids: but dad bought you a new car and let's you sleep all day and --
me: Go to your room! You're in timeout.

+pointing to my vodka bottle:
Gunner: mom what's that?
me: it's so I can survive the day.
Gunner: but what is it?
me: survival juice.
Gunner: but what does that mean?
me: it means stop asking so many damn questions.

Gunner: I love you mom.
me: I love you too. More than anything in this entire world.
Gunner: Colt!! Mom loves me more than you!

I give up.


Read more Shit My Kid Says HERE.

Gunner: Can I say bad words?

Me: Gunner you need to stop eating so much crap. It will make you throw up. Remember that one time on the boat when you ate too much crap and threw up all over daddy?

Gunner: No. Can you show me a picture of me throwing up all over daddy?

Me: I didn't take a picture of that.

Gunner: What?!?! You take pictures of everything!!

::After I picked Gunner up from school, and his teacher took me aside and said how Gunner had declared he was "going to work" and then walked over to her and...ahem...popped her ass.::

Me: Gunner. It is very inappropriate to pop your teachers ass. You can pop ass at home, but that's it. Everywhere else is off limits. Do you understand?

Gunner: Well what if teacher comes to our house? Can I pop her ass then?

Me: No.

Colt: Mom I want to play a game on your phone.

Me: No, not right now.

Colt: But mom I want to. You're playing a game on your phone.

Me: It's not a game it's Candy Crush and if you make me lose one more time I will orphan you.

Me: So Gunner tell me, what did you learn in school today?

Gunner: Nothing.

Me: Oh. Wow. Sounds pretty interesting.

Gunner: It wasn't interesting! I hate school!

Me: Ok then.

Gunner: I didn't learn about the planets and the earth and the solar system and teacher would only let me have one snack and I'm mad!

Me: I'm mad too. Starbucks was out of their spinach feta wraps. 

Colt: Mom I want some juice-y.

Me: No honey you've had enough juice-y for today.

Colt: Mommy I! Said! I! Want! Some! JUICE-Y!!!

Me: Then get a job and go buy your own juice-y!

Colt: No mom! I can't get a job 'cause I'm still a baby... {whimpers}

Me: Yes my little angel, you're right. Here. Drink the whole juice-y.

Gunner: Sometimes I don't like sharing my toys.

Me: Well, then you won't have many friends in life.

{short silence}

Gunner: Is that why-

Me: Go to your room! You're in timeout.

::When I was in a pinch to get Gunner dressed and out the door as we were way late for school::
Gunner: I hate this shirt! This is a girl shirt.
Me: No it's not, it's a unisex shirt.
Gunner: What is a unisex shirt?
Me: It means it's appropriate for both girls and boys.
Gunner: But it has a princess on it.
Me: That's not a princess. It's just a really pretty boy who grew his hair out long.
Gunner: He has boobs.

gunner: I hate these pink pants.
me: they aren't pink, they are light maroon.
gunner: huh? what is maroon?
me: maroon is an offset of pink. a distant cousin of sorts.
gunner: I hate these pink pants!

me: before I met daddy I lived in a house by myself.

gunner: you lived by yourself? you didn't have any friends?

me: I had friends but I lived alone.

gunner: oh. that's really sad.

as I was styling gunner's hair before school:

gunner: I don't want a mohawk.

me: too bad. you have to make yourself look presentable before you go places.

gunner: but you never make yourself look pretty before we go places?

colt: werkjdsf lfdv lzdfkgjubfdgh dkjebzx
me: what?
colt: oisdfb wiu fkjhsdbwe vkjzsd
me: what??
gunner: he said he wants some juice and a waffle.
me: oh. ok. thanks.

gunner: can we fly my kite today?

me: no, it's too windy.

the next day...

gunner: can we fly my kite today?

me: no, it's not windy enough.

gunner: mom now I think you are just being lazy.

colt: I'm mad at you!
me: that's ok.
colt: I don't like you!
me: that's ok too.
colt: I don't want you to be my mom!
me: haaaaaa!!! sucka you go boy! you go find someone else who wants to be your mom and tend to your snot nose and wipe your butt. good luck!

me: so gunner, what did you learn in school today?
gunner: I'm not telling you.
me: ok. so what was your snack today?
gunner: I'm not telling you.
me: ok. so we have to stop by Target and I don't want to hear a word out of you.
gunner: we learned about the republic of Mississippi and how many stars there are in the sky and I chose chocolate pudding as my snack now do I get to pick out at a toy?



Just a day in the life.

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So after Gunner guest posted last week, and after all the positive comments he received, he has been walking around the house with his chest out and nose upturned, kinda like he owns the place. Of course, he has been incessantly bragging to his brother about how "all mommys friends like him best" and how "better" he is now that he has a book deal in the works.

So Colt came to me and demanded to write a guest post of his own.

Apparently, second children have something to say also...

******************************************************

Hi. My name is Colt.


As you can see, I have no pants on, and I'm soooooo cold right now. Someone call CPS!

You may recognize my little legs in the above picture, seeing as how mommy tweets and instagrams a billion pictures of me without clothes on. She says I like being naked. Let me ask: do you like being naked? Outside? In the cold? It's not the best feeling in the world. I can't talk much yet, but if I could, I would say "the hell, woman? Put some damn pants on me!"

I mean, really. Too much to ask?

It probably is. Considering the social status I currently hold in the house. Talk about being second rate. It's always "Gunner this" and Gunner that," and then when or if she does remember that she birthed a second child, I might get a few leftover scraps of macaroni and cheese.

I loooooooooooove macaroni and cheese.

Back to my brother.

Why does the oldest have to act like that? Like he's all high and mighty, and that his shit don't stink. I've smelt it, and trust me, it stanks. It doesn't matter what toy I had first, if he wants it, he's gonna get it. It has to be alllllllll about him or he will make my life hell. His way or the highway. Selfish, that's what firstborns are.

I think that mommy is a firstborn.

Explains a lot.

Oh, and by the way mom? I hated my long curls. I'm glad granny cut it off when you and daddy went on vacation. I know you have plans to grow it long again, but make no mistake...as soon as I learn how to use the scissors? Your precious curls are going down.

Boo-yah.

Oh, and one more thing? When you hear me in the monitor at 6 am? I'm ready to get up. I know you like to brag to all your girlfriends how "both your kids like to sleep 'til 9," but I only sleep 'til 9 because I get bored after 2 hours of doing nothing in my crib, so I drift back to sleep.

You just wait 'til I can crawl out of my crib.

I'll wake you up by smacking you with the pancake paddle.

Get up sugart*ts and make me some breakfast!

Like daddy says...maybe instead of drinking half a fifth and staying up late watching "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant," you could get up with my early cries and sweat it out on that dust machine aka the Treadmill.

That ass ain't gonna work itself out...

................................

It's late.

I gots to go to bed.

My mom is MIA so can one of you sweet sugar britches adopt me?

Please?

I'll reward you with long walks in the park and a few sips of my juice box.

Not to be mistaken with my macaroni and cheese.

Don't touch that.

Or I'll go all firstborn on your ass.

Hey bishes! I'm here today guest posting because let's face it, this blog could use a little spicing up. While my mom is still crying into her wine glass over my little brothers haircut (it was months ago! get a life!) I'm gonna share with you a few nuggets of four year old wisdom. 

yeah, I have pink toes. Gotta problem with it?

But first, let me introduce myself. My name is Gunner James Smith, but you can just call me The Big Gunz. My favorite food is chocolate pudding and if you try to get your hands in my snack pack, well, let's just say it didn't work out well for the last guy who tried.

That last guy being my brother.

He's now missing a finger, but shhhh....don't tell my mom.

Not like she would notice anyway. She's too busy "working" aka blogging and photoshopping herself so you all think she's some hot stuff or something.

Trust me sweeties, she does not look like that.

Talk about an optical illusion.

And she teaches me not to lie. Hypocrite.

You know how my mom always says we love to be naked? Well, that's true. But do I need her splashing those pictures all over the interwebs for all to see? No, no I do not. I'm eventually going to get a serious girlfriend (like in a year or two) and I don't need her googling me and seeing photo after photo of my nekked booty. So inappropriate, mom.

You know what else is inappropriate? My mom's bizarre obsession with Britney Spears. Really? How old are we again? Isn't she a little...immature for a grown woman with two kids to idolize? Grow up mom. You should listen to someone more age appropriate... like Barbara Streisand or Bette Midler.

I really wish I could watch Spongebob Squarepants, but my mom says it's the work of the devil. Oh yeah? I think you trying to shove that j.lo of yours into jeans two sizes too small is the work of the devil. I may be young, but I know what "muffin top" is and it ain't cute.

Speaking of muffins, did I mention that chocolate is my favorite food? My mom always tells me that "it's unhealthy to eat chocolate all day long" and that I can only have it "in moderation." So that's how it is? You really wanna go there? Because I also believe that drinking vodka "all day long" is unhealthy. BAM!

I think I'm gonna grow up and marry a liberal just to piss her off. 

Peace out sugartits